Miscommunications Between the Sexes,
or... Why I Can't Get a Date

"I've been a relationship coach 10 years and I've never seen things so bad. The misunderstanding between the sexes is tremendous. The women are very tough on the men. They're constantly finding reasons to not like them. And the men, who are some of the nicest guys in the world, think that women just don't want nice guys. Actually, the women think there are not too many nice guys around, and vice versa."

            - Julie Paiva, president of Table for Six Total Adventures and Entertainment (quoted in The New York Times "In Man-Rich Silicon Valley, It Seems Like Strikeout.com")

This article is brought about by recent comments that I've heard from several young women, and the corresponding prevalent attitudes I witness among my male peers. Specifically, the sexes are becoming more and more alienated in their expectations and their viewpoints.

The Howard Stern Syndrome

Let's start with a concrete example, my friend Mike (not his real name). Mike is a successful attorney in his early thirties who is single and has never married. He's fun, opinionated, very bright, and quite successful. He's also 6'2, 245 pounds, and refuses to consider dating any woman under 26 who's not supermodel thin. Mike doesn't date anyone, he goes to strip bars, sometimes two or three times a week. Basically, Mike could be described as the bane of all women. (but he doesn't see it that way) Every woman I've met who knows him can not stand him.

Mike's problem may be that he still wants a women primarily based on her looks. He doesn't want to relate to her as a long-term partner, and has unrealistic expectations that he hasn't applied to himself. Like Howard Stern, Mike only wants to talk to attractive women who don't challenge him, and allow him to act like a buffoon.

Nice Guys Don’t Dance

The flip side of Mike is Larry. Larry claims that he’s a “nice” guy, who’s eternally “shy” about talking to women. In reality, Larry is just as committed to his own world view as Mike is to his. In Larry’s case, his main goal is to prevent any chance of rejection. Which explains Larry’s modus operandi for dating women, which is to wait until they practically fall into his lap. Larry’s favorite technique is to be “just a friend” with a woman until he can convince his “friend” that she wants to date him.

The main motivation for Larry, above all else, is to prevent any chance for rejection by women. If asked, Larry can happily say that he “can’t remember” the last time he was rejected by any woman. The reason for this? He’s never put himself in a position to be rejected. Needless to say, this doesn’t help communication one bit.

Two Cats, No Kids, Big Problems

My next example is Cindy (also not her real name). I stopped talking to Cindy, because all she ever did was complain to me how there were no good men, and how all the men she met treated her poorly. Each time she called, I swear she had another slight to document. But Cindy had very, very detailed criteria. Her perfect man had to be (i) as old or older than her, (ii) the same religion as her, (iii) successful, (iv) understanding and "emotionally available," and on and on.

Cindy had two cats, and sat at home documenting the injustices imposed by the men of the world. She did date (unlike Mike), but was never quite satisfied (or at least, when she was, she never told me).

The European Paradox

A final example is Rudy, (you know the drill). An ardent feminist, Rudy went to school at an elite Ivy league college, Rudy constantly complained about how the boys at her school acted horribly, and how they weren't any good.

Upon graduation, Rudy spent the next couple of years in Europe. Why? Well, one reason was because the Mediterranean men paid attention to Rudy. It didn't matter that these men thought abortion was a sin, or that women should stay at home and raise children. They paid attention to her, they were stylish, they were aggressive in contacting her, and hey, she was going home in a year or so anyway.

These Behavior Pattern Shut Down Communication

By now some of these personalities have struck home with you, the reader. Can any of these people talk to each other? Hardly. Will Mike ever approach Cindy? Will Larry ever take a chance on Rudy? The chances are slim.

Like Mike, some men only want (or are only able) to relate to women like sex objects. Stated differently, many men are probably operating from a game plan with its origins in high school or college. However, most women are unlikely to want to re-live the "Me football player, you cheerleader" pattern prevalent in high school and college.

Women, like Cindy, build high walls around themselves, both in their expectations, and in their reluctance to be approached by strangers. As pointed out by some of you, this creates a self fulfilling prophesy. Only jerks are going to have enough courage to breach these walls, and conversely, most women only see the jerks, and generalize from those experiences (and that's a normal reaction).

On the other hand, the reaction of members of both genders of the middle class is to go outside their peer group, like Rudy. American society has come quite a way in leveling the opportunities for men and women. As a matter of fact, unwanted sexual advances in the workplace are frequently grounds for lawsuits and termination, as they should be, in my opinion. This probably has a chilling effect on potential flirting and courtship. But people outside of American society don’t follow these “rules.” So who can blame someone like Rudy, really?

And of course, Larry isn’t talking to anyone anyhow. He’s at home writing this article about miscommunication between the sexes while thinking up funny names for his friends (hey, I’ll call him “Mike”, heh heh heh).

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