Chat Room Cleverness

Oh, the cyber chat room, that warm, fuzzy glow on one's computer screen full of funky names like "Dial-Up Diva" and "Roger-Rabbit-69," where one can say anything and, more important, BE anything one wants, hopes, or dreams of being. Whether it be a CEO of your own dot.com, an entrepreneur with eighty-five inventions under your belt, or a buff beach bunny with perfect skin and measurements to induce metabolic meltdown, the Internet now affords any and all the ability to assume a whole other identity.

For who's to know if you're actually a pizza delivery boy driving your parentscar while sitting on a phone book or a salesgirl down at Spencer's who needs a foot stool to reach the cash register. And, after all, who cares?

If chat rooms are the Internet's answer to tall tales and fish stories told by the virtual campfire, then screen names must be the cyber-equivalent of cucumber-lined Levi's and tissue-stuffed wonderbras. What else can you assume, when every single name crowded into that steamy, sweaty chat room alludes to supremely masculine members (Power Tool) or well-endowed measurements (Truck Flap Model), usually accompanied by so-called "actual" measurements, which, if they were all to be believed, would make America the undisputed home to every well-hung, pinup-worthy hard-body on the entire planet.

Of course, there is no moment of truth more skin-crawlingly creepy or filled with hopeful (some cynics would say naive) anticipation than meeting a chat room romance live and in person for the very first time outside of cyberspace, that is. What do you wear to meet a self-proclaimed "perfect 10" when you are a simple single digit on the low end of the scale? Will you be able to be as pithy, sexy, or romantic (depending on the situation) as you were back in the chat room, where coy, witty, or ribald statements were scribbled out on scrap paper before being typed in on the keyboard? And what if those imported French lifts you'll need to place in your shoes so that you can live up to your statuesque proportions don't arrive in time?

To avoid such hard-drive hi-jinx, one must take a few simple precautions when combing today's cornucopia of chat-rooms:

PLAY DETECTIVE

Just because you're sitting down, wearing baggy pajamas and munching contentedly on stale Pringles, doesn't mean you should let your guard down when cruising a chat room. Okay, sure, it's easier to believe everything you read on that glowing computer screen. And, if you're going there just to "screen name" watch, fine. Watch away.

But if you're looking for love, or at the very least, a little lust, then try and read between the lines a little. Say you've started conversing with a particularly friendly fellow, who goes by the screen name BookWorm, and he's just invited you to "join him" in a quieter chat room without the "meat market" overtones of the one you just met each other in. Okay. Fine. So far, so good.

SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE

Certainly, chat rooms can be a completely innocent place to flirt, wink, and nudge your way through an otherwise boring weeknight. And that's fine. But if you want to extend your chat room conversation into a weekend activity that actually takes place LIVE and IN PERSON, why rush it? Does it just absolutely, positively HAVE to be THIS coming weekend?

This is a good way to test a newcomer's intentions, as well. If your new friend, ScarlettIDareYa, insists that it's either "this weekend or nothing," then chances are he's just another shady businessman looking for a quick romp while using the handy dataport down at the local La Quinta. (Either that, or a crafty con on an extremely liberal work release program.)

BE AN ENIGMA UNTO YOURSELF

Let him ask you questions and, when he does, give him cryptic answers. Don't be obtuse, but try not to be so forthcoming. After all, everyone "expects" to hear a little positive spin when they're in a chat room. That's what they're for.

So go ahead, spice things up a little. The great thing about chat rooms is their anonymity. You new friend doesn't know you're the shyest thing since carved stone. Be free! Let your inner you come out, just not all at once. Be coy, Roy. Set yourself free.

JUST THE FACTS, SIR!

So how does one win in this chat room of love? Simple: don't fall for the hype! The Internet is great. The World Wide Web is wondrous. But it's not an instant answer to your soul-searching questions of the heart. Treat it like you would a blind date (a really blind date) or a guy you've heard about from a friend of a friend. Take it slow, nice and easy, pay attention, stay focused and, just like anything else, don't rush into anything.

DO YOUR RESEARCH

Before you do anything for the first time, whether it be buying new tires or meeting an online suitor, do your research and ask around. Do you know any friends who've experienced chat room coupling or online dating? If not, try sending around an e-mail at work asking the same question.

Why not take a night off (it'll also make you seem like you're playing "hard to get") and spend some of those online hours scouring the Internet for articles by respected experts on the subject? What do they say? When all else fails, ask your mom. She may not be up on the latest techno-terms, but chances are she'll pick up on your vocal vibes just fine. If you sound all caught up in something "fishy," she'll let you know. But if you're gushing words that sound clear and sober, she'll probably be the first to tell you to "go for it." Just before she reminds you of your curfew, that is...

A CAUTIONARY TALE

And, in one last-ditch effort to stem the tide of hard-drive hysteria and chat room craziness, we offer up the following cautionary tale. Hey, you can never be too informed. After all, isn't that what the "information age" is all about?

"COOPED" UP IN CYBERSPACE:

I should have known better than to go into one of those "adult-themed" chat rooms. But it had been so long in between dates, I guess I'd gotten a little desperate. Amazingly, I found a kindred soul who said she "hated" having to resort to meeting people this way. We sort of paired off and she invited me to a less crowded "room," where we "talked" for hours. Still, I wasn't surprised when she didn't want to exchange phone numbers with me and actually talk for real. It's a cruel world out there, and I assumed she'd been burned once too often.

However, because of our intense "bond," she agreed to meet me that weekend at a bar of her choosing. Naturally, this gave me a couple of days to mull over my decision to actually meet this enchanting stranger. After all, the bar was foreign to me and I wasn't too sure about the neighborhood it was located in, either. But the more I thought of reasons why NOT to go, the more my heart&and jockey shorts, insisted I try something new and unique. After all, whatever I'd been doing for the past year and a half sure hadn't been working.

Naturally, I got "duded up" and went, despite my inner fears. I had a hard time finding the place and, naively, assumed that "The Chicken Coop" was just another western-themed bar. After all, there sure were a lot of guys in cowboy hats inside. Of course, there were all kinds of guys inside wearing all kinds of other hats too: biker helmets, baseball caps, and berets? There were even one or two guys wearing hats Princess Diana would have been proud of.

Sure enough, the only thing western about The Chicken Coop was its patrons undying love of all things San Francisco. My "date" scooped me up in a bear hug and ordered me a beer before I could retreat from his vice-like grip. Somehow, I managed to escape his tentacles and land safely on a barstool next to him.

"You're not serious," I said, too shocked to form more words than the bare minimum. "You told me you were blonde, stacked and built like a brick house."

"Dude," said the fifty-year old businessman who obviously "fancied" himself the hottest boy-toy in town. "I AM blond, stacked and built like a brick house where it counts."

I looked at the gray-haired, pasty-faced imposter across from me and sipped my imported beer. Not only had he duped me into thinking he was the "girl" of my dreams, but he didn't even make such a great argument for luring me over to his "side." I mean, even if I WAS bi-curious, was a guy who reminded me more of my dad than my sugar-daddy supposed to turn me into a&switch-hitter?

Needless to say, the next time I risk meeting someone from a chat room face to face, I'm getting a picture first. At least that way, I can make sure it's worth my while to head down to the Chicken Coop first.

 Back to Guest Writers