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Why do I clam up around her?
Comment from niecey41
I used to also be very shy....i was known as shyest in school!....i loosened up by going out and having few drinks....now when i tell people i used to be very backwards...they dont believe me...i started this 7 years ago...im 41 now...my life improved....no! i ain't no drunk...i can now even soberly socialize like everyone else....have one or two drinks...it will make you talk......you wont be afraid you'll bet made fun of!......i totaLLY RELATE TO THIS GUY....i was there where he is for way too long.
Comment from Sammy
Dear Steve, shyness happens when your mind is not set on what you are to do. The moment you decide that you will kiss her, it definitey will happen. And know if you keep too far away from her, she might end up thinking that you are not for her and in the long run she'll give up and the friendship will die. Hold you head up man, and do as a man. Rather to overcome shyness, frequently do things that you did'nt think or imagine you could do, and dont live to regret the future.
Comment from ipojan
Steven, just do it. Kiss her. That's the hurdle to overcome first. If you both like it, do it again. Get on solid ground with the kissing and everything else will fall into place. A kiss is something intimate that two people share and if you and she kiss a few times, I think that you will feel that you can begin to share with her things that come to mind in a very personal way, since you say that you are in love with her. So Steven, a kiss is in order. You will like it. She will like it. and something will happen that you least expect. You will feel that you have known her for longer than you have. And that's good. This way the relationship has just taken off on a jet and you're both ready to fly with it. Try it. It's well worth a try. Talking just naturally comes after a few good kisses. I have nothing but your best interest at heart, I am eager to hear if this works for you. I know it will if you do as I told you. So, write and tell me what happens.
Comment from Marijane
I also am a former shy girl, so I totally understand what Steven means. It probably would help to get a couple of drinks one night (don't make it a habit, that's no way to come out of your shyness permanently) and let this girl know if you are interested and attracted to her by kissing her! That is a sure way she'll understand, without words. And, I was disturbed about Steven having to change. Why? Shyness is a personality trait just like anything else. Embrace it! I am not completely outgoing now, but have mostly grown out of the shyness, just kind of reserved now, cautious. There is nothing wrong with it. What gets on my nerves is people who feel like they have to talk ALL the time. They are usually full of it! So, all I want to get across is be yourself no matter what that is. If this girl cannot handle it, move on to someone who can. They are out there! Good luck.
Comment from bella2004
Dear Steve your shyness is a big problem in communicating with your woman especially most women prefer that the best step to show interest is the man step to feel satisfaction. So you must realize that 100% you can loose her if you won't overcome your shyness. So if you start to overcome it by showing interest and to clarify your situation towards her you have a chance 50 to 50 to succeed. So why don't you start by now!
Comment from smileye
Tell her how you feel or she will keep wondering with hurt or she will move on never knowing.
Comment from Kilmer101
Steven, I feel your pain. I too am a shy person by nature. However, I am also a comedian at heart - enjoy and dare I say even fall back on laughter as a tool in communication. You just need to "Find your natural tool" and you'll be all right. The trick is this... your goal must be, to "find your natural tool" and Not, "to find your natural tool in time to make this relationship work". Because the fact of the matter is, this one - may not be right. You have to find your path, because it's right for you, and then have the patience to wait for someone to come along that will enjoy walking it too. Easier said than done I know. But when you consider the other option... of changing yourself to match the expectations of another... well, let me save you some time... there's nothing good down that road. You'll be changing and altering yourself for every potential that comes along and catches your eye and when you do that often enough... you lose yourself. And that isn't an easy thing to undo. Good Luck - it'll work out the way it's supposed to ... even if that ends up contradicting what you think you want, right now.
Comment from acat
My advice would be for Steven to write this lady a long and romantic letter, all about how he loves her and how she makes him feel (excited/nervous/anxious all at the same time). My guess is that she needs to hear from him - but hearing it in writing is better than not hearing it at all. He clearly expresses his feelings in his letter, so it could just be that writing is easier for him than speaking. If that is so, then he should go for it. If he can't make her know what he is feeling, he will lose her for sure - so if that isn't what he wants - he must find some way to communicate.
Comment from BrokenSprit209
I have gone out on a date with this very fine and kind hearted woman I have deep feelings for her and want her to know that and I want to let her know I like to see her more and to start a relationship with her but am to shy and to scared to ask her due to afraid it might push her away or be rejected what should I do?
Comment from jovelyn
Well... the only thing I can advice to Steven is that he should talk anything, ask her more about her life and stuff like that then maybe that way the conversation will go through, Steven just practice more on talking.. Open up!!! That’s all I can say!!! Hope it works.
Comment from erinalexander
It sounds like you are asking Steven to do the same thing that his girlfriend is asking him to do, which he can't do. It also sounds like he's got his girlfriend on a pedestal. Pedestals are a dangerous illusion. I would say he should continue being who he is, but he's got to either raise himself up to her level, or bring her down to a level he's comfortable with. This is easier than he thinks. Suggest that he find an event of some kind in which he's got a clear advantage. Camping? Some sport she's not familiar with? Some way for his confidence to build, but not at her expense.
Comment from williewms26
I think it is easier to talk online than in person, that is why she thinks he has changed. Steve should just remember that she liked the guy she met on line, and he needs to be that person in the real world as well. Sometimes it is hard to read a woman's body language or clues to really know if she likes you or not, or if she is ready to be kissed. I heard that if you brush a woman's hair back, and she doesn't freak out, she is ready to be kissed. Sound Accurate?
Comment from NotDrPhilM
Man, isn't it funny that the whole thing is changed and you are being crapped on because you are actually having a good kind of problem? When was the last time you heard of a guy that is afraid to kiss a woman? I'll tell you: right now. Are you shy around her but comfortable every where else? Do you stagger sometimes looking for words to say, but nothing comes out? Do you feel like you don't want to cheapen the whole relationship by wasting it on a little kiss? You're in love with her and you don't want to ruin it. Shame on any girl who talks down to you for having respect and wanting to keep respect for a woman. All this chivalry dying talk and how there are no more good men around. Please, if you don't want to kiss her, you don't have to. No where in any book does it say you better or you will lose her. And if she can't wait patiently for you to do it, when it's time, then she doesn't have the same respect for you, too. Sounds like the tables have been turned. You are getting pressured into doing something physical that you don't want to do. If she can't wait for you to make the move, let her know that you're not that kind of guy. You're a romantic and some stupid kiss at the end of the night isn't good enough. You want to wait and make even the kiss special. I am in love with a girl right now and I have known her for 15 years and haven't made a move on her ever. And I won't until the day that we get married. I guarantee, you wait, and when it's time, it will be the Perfect time.
Comment from ManOfCloth
A lot of us have this problem. I did too. Unfortunately the Brenda Ross lady missed the main problem in her advice. Your problem, the one many of us often face, is that you are in the wrong frame of mind when you go out with her. Let's analyze the important parts. 1. The beginning of the relationship went well. Your girl said that the start wasn't like this. You didn't know her or care much about how well things turned out so you relaxed and had fun. Now that you care you are sitting there worrying instead. 2. She agreed to go out on a date (and another and another) with you. Know what that means? She already likes you. You don't need to worry about making a good impression. She's already been impressed. All she wants now is for you to move in. Solution: Brenda mentioned alcohol as a way to loosen up. This may or may not be a good idea. I recommend against it in general unless you were going to a bar anyway. Instead you just need to say to yourself: "Stop being a wuss. She already likes me. She will continue to like me no matter what I do because she likes ME not my actions." When you're out and you want to kiss her count down in your head from 3, then turn to her and say in a firm steady voice, "Come here; I'm going to kiss you." Then start in for the kiss (practice a couple times by yourself if you have to.) After you do this a few times you will be relaxed and confident enough to handle yourself in any situation with any girl. If you feel like wussing out again, he-bitch man-slap yourself. You are a grown MAN. Act like one. If you really want to get good at handling relationships, make friends with men who already are and start reading. I recommend the following authors. David DeAngelo - www.doubleyourdating.com (the free news letter alone will get you a long way)Dr. John Gray - of 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' fame; has a dating book too.www.realsocialdynamics.com - Good but a lot of jargon that takes getting used to. When you're done with Dr. Gray and David DeAngelo's ebook, read everything in the bibliographies. This is a skill. You can learn it. No more excuses. Go. Now.
Comment from farid paneza
Hi Steven ! How are you? Don't feel shy OK, this is your right. Understand her and enjoy your self. This is your personnel life not the others, ok. In future you will be a successful person in your good aims, may GOD help you in your task, wish you best of luck. Good bye.
Comment from cakefiend
Get the "love" idea out of your head. If you have only known the person for a month, you can't even kiss her, and you are still shy around her, you haven't even begun to find out about who she is or what she needs. There's also no way that she can know you if you have trouble opening up to her. Be ready for a few surprises once you do. Real relationships don't begin until you open up honestly. They are also the most rewarding when they work out.
Comment from moha22
I also have the same problem, but I think this is the best way out. Therefore Steven should go for this advice.
Comment from getbusylivinnow
There is nothing in this world like diving into the water not knowing whether it's cold, hot, or just right. But no matter what it is, it will be an experience to remember. And once you're in the water, you adjust to it and will realize that dreading it was a whole lot worse than doing it. Quit dreaming your life and start living your dream. You're burning daylight! Like the famous line from Moonstruck: "Snap out of it!" It's time to be somebody. Either that, or live on sidelines. If I may quote the famous Teddy Roosevelt, "Far better it is, to dare mighty deeds, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits that live in the gray twilight for they know not victory or defeat." Your woman is not going to care why you won't kiss her, love her, whatever. All she knows is that you don't. And believe me, in a woman's mind, it's not the one, it's the one who will. So, if you don't, she'll just find someone that will. Don't you get it man... women want to be loved... that's why they like men... men will love them. Some better than others. They will end up with the one that does it best for them. And one more thing. If you don't kiss this girl, and soon, it will effect your relationship with any other woman in the future. It will also come to control how you feel about yourself. And you don't want to live with those feelings of inadequacies. For if a man can't do it for his woman, what good is he anyway. Those will become your thoughts, and that is what you will become. So, kiss the girl for crying out loud and start living.
Comment from WhatsMissing
Steven, I hope you read this. I have much insight to share. You wrote, "I am unable to kiss her", and "I can't always say what’s on my mind, but she can", and "Could it be I don't know how she feels about me?" Do you need her permission for a kiss? I think that she would be delighted if you asked her. You are at the point where you had better ask soon, or she may just look elsewhere. Women, in general, do not need to love a person in order to kiss them. There are many types of kisses, and you are going to give many "pecks" that have no sexual-demand component. These "bad kisses" have a morale function that is crucial to long-term relationships. You are going to have to learn all types of kisses, and you desperately need this opportunity to learn. Do you remember that kiss in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where the German blonde kisses Dr. Jones and pulls a bit of his lip away when they part? Yes, you will have to learn that kiss, too. You have also remarked, "I'm not much of a conversationalist but she wants me to talk and I'm unable." It may be that she is like a nurse and she feels that she needs to attend to your emotional wounds. If that is the case, then she may not be interested in you, but sees herself as needed. What do you need to be much of a conversationalist? A values bias to get you to defend a position, great examples of conversation, practice. Your willingness to "jibber jabber" with this lady can be interpreted by her as trust and interest in her. At any rate, conversation both deep and frivolous will help you to grow and mature inside. Eventually, she will guide you to become more articulate regarding facets of yourself that you do not understand and do not know if you want criticized and analysed. Women are generally gifted in skills of the soul that us men are oblivious to. The internal and interpersonal rewards of a relationship with a good-hearted woman will transform you and enrich your perspective. To your words, "She's great but I need to change" I say, the new you will not be recognizable by the old you.
Send her flowers with a card that said you admire her.
Comment from liv4now2005
If you're not comfortable with ANY physical intimacy after a month of dating, it would seem that you're not really attracted to her. Either she's just not your type or you're not into women. Have you ever had this problem with other women? Even shy people come out of their shell when they are with a person for a while - and a month is certainly long enough to know if you feel any attraction or not. Personally, I can't imagine her going that long without any signs of affection from you - if I were her, I would feel very unwanted at this point. You need to face up to what you're looking for and pursue that - whether it be a different type of woman or a relationship with a man. You're not doing yourself or her any favors by continuing along with this. Being emotionally and physically close isn't a "hurdle" to overcome - it should come naturally if it's the right thing.
Comment from animel
There is an old saying of closed mouths don't get fed, and while the shyness thing is cute sometimes, it also can cause you to miss out on a wonderful potential relationship. Shyness is only cute the first meeting, however once the initial meeting is over you do need to communicate now with this person; only because communicate is they key to long lasting relationships and if you can't communicate now, how is she to know if you'll be able to keep her attention later. One more thing, indulge her with a kiss always even if it is just on the checks.
Comment from jademd2004
I wouldn't advice Steven to have a few drinks to loosen up, because he may find it helps him relax enough to get over his shyness and that could become a crutch he will continue to use in the future, resulting in alcoholism. He is a strong candidate for that if drinking helps him communicate. I would advice him to talk an assertiveness course or something that teaches him in a safe environment to communicate better. Or he could join Toastmasters which is the best way to improve your communication skills. Lose your fears of public speaking and learn skills that will help him be more successful in whatever path he chooses in life. Maybe this is not the girl for him either, due to the fact he is still not feeling comfortable around her to talk and he used the words "I think I am attracted to her". That is something you don't have to think about, either you are attracted to the person or you are not. Even a shy person would know whether they are attracted to someone or not. This relationship sounds like more of a problem in his life, as opposed to something that is enhancing his life. Good luck to him in finding the right girl.
Comment from cupman
Steven, you have got to be a man. Take hold of your sack and just do it! I know it's hard, I was that way for many years myself. Then one day I was so tired of being afraid, I was at my lowest point and didn't really care what happened so I just did it and damn the consequences. What do ya know? It worked like nothing ever has before. It was then that I realized this is the way all those smooth operators do it so easily. They just do it and have had so much practice at it that they stopped being afraid when they were still a teenager. So my advice to you is stop whining and looking for someone else to "help you" and just do it! Take a hold of her and tell her that you've been a fool and kiss her. Everything will change.
Comment from SOSERIOUS05
Steven, my name is Jackie and right now I'm going through something quite similar in my life. I met this guy on Feb. 14 of this year and fell completely in love with him, but because I'm shy as hell towards men & not to mention, a lot older I couldn't tell him how I felt. My life has totally changed since I met him I've moved because someone was stalking the hell out of me and in my heart I believe it was him, because I didn't know how felt and wanted to find out if I had someone else due to me not expressing my feeling at the time. He doesn't knows how shy & how much I love him. Despite my inanimate moments that we've had together I am so weak when I’m around him. I know he feels that I am just playing mind games with him but everymen I rehearse what I am going to say, when I see him or talk to him the words would seem to slip away. I just recently told him how I felt but I think the love has gone. So from my experience stop wasting time and open up to her. If you like her stop making her guess what you feel, I'm sure that's horrible feeling, "Not known if someone you adore, adore you 2. Words of wisdom from Ms. shy herself.
Comment from Clif
Get over yourself. You are not the center of the universe. Whatever you say will not ruin the relationship, it is what you don't say that will - this was the advice I was given some time ago to get over my shyness with women. Guess what? It worked. I also found out that if you ask women questions and become a good listener that is important too. Women are, for the most part, just as unsure about us as we are about them. If you think that you are not worthy of her attention then that is what you will get. It is always better to tell her how you are feeling, either one way or the other. Women like and appreciate honesty; even if it hurts it still can make the relationship stronger.
Comment from soonerdy
Go to Christian counseling so they can usher you out of self consciousness - not simply "have a few drinks" that's how addictions and crutches start.
Comment from Cordrick
Steven, relax, maybe many girls just don't like to be kiss, so soon. Look at it this way, I am still having trouble in getting to know just ONE of them, in order to even go out on a date. And there you are, already out on dates. What more do you want, Slowly lahhh, at least you're better than me. Be happy with her first.
Comment from Norman
It is ok to be shy initially. That expresses your modesty. That says you are brut. That you are soft and sweet. But you cannot continue to be soft and shy all the time. A time comes when one has to lift that skirt or put hands in right place. Virtually all animals have to reach the spot, without fear, without feeling shame or shy. The bliss of shedding shyness is fun of sex.
Comment from keyboardguy
Get over the shyness immediately!!! You don't want to end up like me----40--no prospects---and a complete idiot!!! Yep...that's me...don't let it happen to you dorkchop!!!
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