He's playing mind games with me. Help!

Comment from mcloi
Hi Madeline. You are still young; you still have along way to go. There are a lot FISH in the ocean, so give yourself a chance to look a good guy for you. In relationships it takes two hands to hand to clap. If you have no trust in a relationship, you can't go far... and both of you become miserable. Lastly, think it over if this relationship is worth CRYING over. HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF. Good luck.

Comment from KaypeeDC5C
Madeline must ask "What is the real intention" Marriage, Friendship, Romance, Chatting or Courtship" His actions will clear the depth of love. If love is true, ask him to deposit 1000 dollars in your account just as a token love gift.

Comment from Loreen
From my past experiences with men I'd dump him real quick. He's a cheater, and it's quite obvious. Dump him real quick and look else where. There are a lot of fish in the sea.

It sounds to me if there might be some truth in the gossip. I would be prepared for this and also to end it all if this turns out to be true. It's probably painful, but you should be ready to start looking for another guy.

Comment from linedancer1964
Madeline, Life is too short to live with someone you can't trust. He sounds guilty to me since he first avoided answering the question and when he did he couldn't even say yes I did or no I did not, he just said maybe you should listen to the girl. I say dump him and get on with your life as there are a lot of good guys out there that will treat you the way a woman should be treated. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve. I did that once and will never do it again. I have been single now for 3 yrs and will search the world over until I find what I deserve, which is a man to treat me with respect. I wish you all the luck in your future.

Comment from Naperdad
There is no reason why a fight had to be started when she asked this guy about cheating. She should hire a private detective or give me a girl, as I'd show her how a guy ought to treat a woman.

Comment from whimsy1244
Find someone she doesn't have to stress over. An older man is fine if he can give you what "you" need. Beware of the bringer of bad news; she just might be in the mix. Good luck on your next relationship.

I say, think carefully what is it you get out of the relationship, nice treats, good sex, quality time every spare minute he has, then decide how desperate are you to have a man for the sake of having one, you are young go and enjoy life. He could be married, he could be in another relationship and you are his momentary escape from his boredom. Value and respect yourself and if he really cares for you in every other sense, he will shape up if not let him go.

Comment from bttwins
I think he's guilty. Give him the benefit of the doubt. But if you are meant to be together it will happen. Trust him, but be careful and look out and prepare yourself for the worst so you will not get hurt.

Comment from badbradj
Good advice. He sounds like the male version of my ex-wife. She was the one cheating on me with a "friend" of mine. Now we're divorced, she is alone (he ran when we split up) and I'm about to marry someone that I am truly in love with. Listen to Brenda. She is right this time. RUN!!!

Comment from jackygirl
There really isn't any question. She is obviously young, (not saying this is a bad thing) just saying a more mature person would not be this naive. The guy is older, and is playing games. He's taking advantage of the situation (younger girl, thinks he's wonderful). All you are doing is stroking this guy's ego. By the sounds of it, he doesn't really care either way if you're upset, and will just ride this out for as long as he can. Your friend is probably just that... "Your friend" and is seeing what you can't or don't want to see. Do your self esteem a favor, lose this guy...there are ton's of men not into playing games with younger woman who are genuine. This guy's a player. Good luck.

Run and dont look back.

Comment from deric
I would say that you sound too immature to be in a relationship if you can't figure out that this guy is a jerk and you should leave him right away and find someone your age. If you are looking for a guy that won't cheat on you, you will have to look at your age group because when an older guy goes out with a younger girl its either A: because he is a pedophile or B: because he is trying to take advantage of you and if you let him you are a fool. You need to look for someone your age who is a nice guy. He can't be popular or outgoing, they are always the ones most likely to cheat, here's why; the more popular and well known they are the more options that are available for them and the more chances they will have to cheat on you and if they do cheat on you and you dump them its not as big of a deal because of the fact that they will find someone else in a matter of days where as a person who keeps to themselves is more likely to fear losing you so he is less likely to cheat.

Comment from paulbowie
Sweetheart, without trust you have nothing you have been with hem long enough to have that trust. Start looking for yourself someone else. If you like the sex, use them until you find Mr. Right and he is out there. Or come see me...

#1 Run #2 Run #3 Run

Comment from carebear
Madeline I hope your asking because you want good advise .First of all you should never be afraid of losing anybody on a relationship level, If you think he's cheating then he is if you think he's blowing you off he is, would you do that too someone you care for [not[ Please listen to your heart its trying to tell you something. I know he seems so wonderful he knows what to say he has more money than most of the younger guys he makes you feel like a women when you're together. Think about his age in the long run and you know there will be know long run take this relationship as a learning experience and set your sites on some one that treats you with respect .I've known a lot of these kind of guys and they forget there dealing with another human beings feelings they cant get passed the score you are better than that you know it your friends know it - we all know it. Do not be afraid to lose this guy he may very well seem like a nice guy but you are not at his maturity level and he's playing you .Learn from this experience, and know never to play with someone's heart it wont take long to get over this guy trust me once you spend some time with someone who really cares. Tell him you don't want to see him for two weeks but you would like to talk with him on the phone for a few minutes every night Ill bet you won't hear from him very often or if you do you will feel like he's blowing you off. You can't lose what you don't have everyone goes through this one time or another were routing for you good luck.

LOSE HIM.

Comment from paradiseguy
Well normally I agree with Brenda and today is no different, BUT I'm not certain those are all the main points. The biggest one that raises the flag to me is the lack of communication. I mean meaningful and serious communication. If he is not able to answer your questions in an honest and in a forth right manor then I wonder about his maturity and how honorable he is if you were married. This is your seventh month and it's these types of things that we start to notice in a relationship and things we should notice. You hear the phrase trust your intuition. Well I think your intuition is starting to kick in as to what his flaws are and you have to decide what you can and can not live with. I personally would make another attempt to get a serious talk on this issue and tell him that this is important to you and not to make a mockery of it. If he continues, then I think you know how serious he is about your relationship. Tom

Comment from hopefindyou
She has to move on as soon as is possible. Love and fear are 2 different things, there is something wrong in this relationship and I think she have to pay attention to everything and see the reality...

Comment from WhatsMissing
Madeline? There is so much to say. You need to show this man your letter to Brenda. It shows some things that you may not have articulated to him. It explains the assumptions behind the mind games that you have been playing on him (not the other way around).
1. You get scared and angry when you are confused and feel that your fantasy (the romance of the relationship) is threatened.
2. You have an understanding about your relationship that he may not share. You see your relationship as exclusive, even though you have no promise, bond, or ring. This means that if he is seeing another person, it is "cheating".
3. If he is cheating on you, then the relationship is over. There has been a breach of contract, or you are not enough for him, so you must go elsewhere for experiencing your relationship fantasy.
4. You confronted him about the possibility of his breach of (implied) contract and he became cornered and defensive. Why doesn't he play the role you assigned him in your romantic relationship fantasy?
5. You claim that you both "made up" 3 days ago, but you didn't actually resolve anything. You are still confused, which means that you merely had a cease-fire agreement.
6. You ask for advice for what to say so that HE doesn't get mad at YOU. This makes little sense. You are an adult, and you did not get into the relationship under someone else's terms. You have the relationship for your gain, so you need to be explicit about what your terms are. If he thinks that you are being too deliberately vague about anything, then you leave room for his imagination to fill in the gaps in the rules of your mind games. You do not need to compromise with your terms in order to maintain your assumptions about a perfect relationship.
7. You are not being "inexperienced". We all make assumptions when we have no data to the contrary. Quite the opposite, HE may be too experienced, meaning that he can make you mad and find a replacement for you. He can assume that his relationship with you is as superficial as he is, like a rock star with a stupid groupie. His confrontational approach to you shows the pig-headedness of a person who does not expect to be in a long-term relationship. Or a man who is annoyed by your mind games.

Comment from wildbullrider23
If you can't trust someone, then why be with them? That is what makes a relationship work, trust me I know after five years of one.

Comment from kitty619
If he cares so much about you he wouldn't be blowing you off and getting mad when you ask if what that gal told you was true. I don't mean to sound harsh but you don't need to be with someone who is going to take like that it means he isn't a man he is a boy playing a man. But that is just my opinon.

Don't ever feel that you have to walk on eggshells when your with your man. That is so dumb! You need counseling to better your self esteem oh wait you don't have self esteem. Once you learn to love yourself, then you are ready for a relationship.

Comment from rosessslkl
It's a relationship not worth hanging on to...She will have more heartache in future if things persist.

Comment from sweetbaby
Madeline, your guy might not be cheating on you. And moreover you didn't tell us if he has ever given you reason to believe he is cheating on you. The girl that told you about him who is she and how close are you to her because these days there are many wolves in sheep clothing, enemies that pose to be friends you should be careful on what to believe or listen to and beside if you want your relationship to last and survive not only this one you have to stop listening to rumors and gossips. You said your guy said that he will only cheat on you if Dolly Parton comes around come on that's a general figure of speech I also say that to my hobby that the only way I can cheat on him is if Richard Gere propose to me which I know will never happen so u see its a figure of speech .But u should verify before asking the guy to have the facts with you before asking the guy. So my dear believe in your relationship with your man and don't allow any gossip to spoil your fun for you. Bye and I wish you luck.

Comment from areyouready4me
Dear Madeline, I know we shouldn't do what I'm going to tell you what you could do. But if you really want to know what is going on and you want to live in peace start spying on him. Snoop around. God will let you know the truth. Just be prepared for every thing girl. If he is cheating around on you, than it is his loss by being stupid. Be strong girl. I'll be praying for you. Good luck and God bless you.

Comment from venkat2005
Hi Madeline, Look, the best way to handle relationships is to look at what you have and what you want to preserve in it and then going about how you are going to deal with the negative side of it. You need to prepare yourself first, to face the worst or the best whichever, and then go about it in a manner that would affect you the least. Try to find the truth behind everything. We must also be prepared to make our choices and move on.

Comment from shoresweet
Leave him. You can do a lot better! It will be very hard but so worth it.

Comment from Amorosa48
Dear Madeline, I am 48 and was in a similar situation 2 years ago - who says experienced women don't make mistakes? It didn't have to do with cheating, but I was being blown hot and cold all the time. I too was confused. I didn't expect this from an older man. I didn't want to lose him. I was desperate, just like you. In the end, I had to leave him to preserve my sanity - and my dignity - I only wish I could have done it sooner, but I was too infatuated.
However, I have learnt a few things from this and other relationships:
- Women want it spelt out - it doesn't happen. Learn to read the signs - they are all there.
- Actions speak louder than words - always. But negative words like your boy-friend's speak loud too.
- Breaking up is hard to do. After 7 months, you are head over heels in love with him. The alternative is to wait until he leaves you which, in my opinion, is very much on the cards - which do you prefer?
- It sounds like he is already pushing you to leave him - the problem is probably not another woman per se, it's commitment phobia.
- Older men who go out with much younger women are afraid of getting old and trying to prove to themselves - and other men - that they are still young and can still "pull". I bet he knows exactly how much younger than him you are - ordinary men rarely bother with such things.
- The longer you leave it, the worse it'll get. You'll get blown from bliss to despair every time.
- I know it sounds like a cliché but you really, really deserve better.
- Gather your courage, rally your family and friends around you, plan some activities, invest in some therapy, get your support system in place and - leave him. I know you don't want to, but you'll have to in the end.
- Try to understand why you are so attracted to a much older man in the first place, and one who is rejecting you - you don't want to repeat this pattern.
Sorry to sound tough, but all the signs for a disastrous relationship are there. When relationships are true, there are no doubts about fidelity, the subject does not even come up. People who love each other want to be together and nothing, or very little, gets in the way. I wish you all the best, Ana

Say Good-Bye, too many red flags.

Comment from Gigifagon
Try to concentrate on other things in life to occupy your time and don't get so wrapped up in him. Take a class. Join a book club, go to the gym etc. You came here first and it is time to pamper yourself and do something to make you feel good not bad and wonder what someone else is doing or saying. Smile at other guys, flirt at someone. It's time to make a change for yourself. Give your relationship some space. You will see what happens.

Comment from Godwin Malya
Madeline it seems you are not to the heart of the guy. He has some one who is in his head. And as you have said he is lot older than, and he declared that he will lose you if he will gets a richer woman. So please take a look on this and decide to be aside to wait another guy of your right, because it seems you are still young, instead staying with a guy who does not make you happy. Not that love is not of one side.

Hey I have a 21 year younger girlfriend too, who's just like this woman, and I can't think of a polite way to not be her boyfriend anymore. By the way, we share a 2-person office at work.

Comment from miki70
Hello Madeline, He seems not to be so serious guy for his age, so, I think that instead of losing your youth with him, try to find another man, enjoy all the moments, because life is short.... you'll see the differences then...pray a lot and God will help you to pass all this confusion well.

Comment from classielass79
He is not treating you with respect. Look for someone else that makes you feel better about yourself, and someone closer to your own age. You have to respect yourself first and be confident. He is just having you tag along, and is this a lasting relationship?

Comment from simplylindylu
Dear Madeline, be glad u only have seven months invested in this guy. Move on, there are plenty of nice guys out there that won't put you on the defensive and keep you confused. One of the biggest things in a relationship is communication and it doesn't' sound like he does that very well. My advice is to kiss him good bye and find someone you can be happy with, obviously he doesn't do it for you in the whole picture of life.

Comment from mariahcharisma
Take it from a girl who knows. Get rid of the loser. Omission is just as much a lie as lying to your face. I had a guy just like this and he was screwing around all over town. If he makes you question his loyalty or can't make time for you, he is not worth it. Find someone who values your feelings enough to give you an honest answer and to make time for you. Trust me, the right guy will :)

Comment from smilinja
You may think he's worth it, but as an outsider looking in, he isn't worth it. What I have learned is communication and honesty are key issues in a relationship. If you don't have either one of those, you deserve better. And trust me, there is someone else out there that is better. Don't settle. And if you have to be by yourself for awhile that is ok too. You need to find and be yourself before you can be in a relationship. Don't sacrifice your happiness.

Comment from cathy31
Dear Madeline, I have the same experience with you. He is old 12 years than me while I am inexperienced. It is sad that the relationship lasts 3 years, although my friends who know me persuade me to give up, like you I do not want to lose him. Finally I broke up with him. After this we realize that I waste my time and emotion, as a woman when you are in a relationship with guy, it is very important that you should not be mad, confused, angry, and scared... the feeling is not right in a relationship. Being loved is happy.

Replace him with three others!!!!

Run as fast as you can because he is cheating!!!

Comment from jbphil4
Doesn't matter what the motivation of your "friend" (???) is - what matters is you and the feelings you have. You say you are confused and don't want to lose him. I have two things to say on that: 1) confusion is not a good feeling and a relationship should result in good positive feelings about yourself and the other person- when you are together and not together. You don't have that. 2) You don't want to lose him when he is obviously playing mind games with you and acting like he has something to hide!!!! When he responds to your genuine concerns with a challenge or a rhetorical question instead of genuine concern on his part and tries to make it seem like you are a trouble maker - this guy has something to hide. The way he responded was that of a "guilty person". He tried to deflect the problem back on you. Not a very nice thing to do to someone you care about. My advice in as small as a nutshell as I can manage is: take a 6 month sabbatical from all relationships (men) and go to a counselor and try to determine why you can not call a "jerk" a "jerk". His problem - whatever it is - is not yours. Food for thought: maybe you choose men who treat you in accordance with how you feel about yourself. Love your name by the way - reminds me of my favorite musical. I wish you the best.

Comment from sweetwvgirl28
Dear, Madeline, This is sweetwvgirl28 I thought that I would write you to say that I have read your letter to Brenda. I think you should dump him and find somebody that doesn't play mind games with you if he is playing games with you that means that he does not love you more than likely he is running around on you he just playing mind games to make you think that he is not cheating on you but he really is cheating on you. I know how you feel I was in a 1year relationship with my ex-boyfriend and he did me the same way he lied and told that never cheated on me and the next day a girl named jenny was going around and saying that she was pregnant for my boyfriends baby plus I found out that when he stayed up at her house until 5:30 in the morning with her i knew that he had cheated on me so he lied to me all the time whenever he gets a chance so my advice is rid of him and get someone else that does not play mind games with you or cheat or lie to you good luck.

Comment from Bill396
You had better get out or you will get smashed. This guy is not real.

Comment from Renda Cain
I am dating this man, and we get along wonderfully. He says he cares for me, and I know I care for him. We are very compatible in every way. The sex is great, everything is great. Here is the problem. He says that he has never had the capacity to love and that he only loves his son and his grandmother. He was married for l3 years to a woman whom he respected, but said that he is not sure that he even loved her. I do not know what to expect. He gets upset when I say that maybe we should not see each other again as that maybe I am wasting my time.

Comment from 4sundown
The only reason you should feel bad when you are not with him, is because you want to be with him; not because he blew you off. Get rid of him. There are a lot of older guys out here, if that is truly what you want, that do not play mind games. As for what Brenda says, the only thing I disagree with is the 1st warning. The only time age should be a factor is if you're a teenager (13-16) and he is more than nineteen.

Comment from san_luna
Check out from close friends of his records!!! If he is really looking for taking you for a ride, then best is to say Adios and be brave.

Comment from Patricia
Your friend is a bad friend. Stay away from her.

Comment from kimoanhninh
oh, dear, I feel u are a good woman and hope for a real love, is it? So why do you have to be sad when he is not for you? You need a real love so try to find a real love, don't try to keep something that does not belong to you, even if he loves you much, and so do you. But you never feel happy with a man like that when you can't believe in him. You should let things go and forget him; you shouldn't waste your time with such that man, you should spend your nice time with a real man for you, best wishes to you

Comment from san
If you love somebody let him or she free to go eo to stay with you when she or he left this means never was but when is back that is yours that is love.

Comment from irfan_151
Dear you please do marriage to any fair guy and live your life extending your family. best of luck.

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