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Home > Dating Advice > Ask Brenda > Question/Answer > Readers Respond |
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 READERS RESPOND |
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Help! I'm in love with my best friend
Comment from paul
A friend is a friend no matter what.but friendship can evolve into love relationships. That notwithstanding,thieir must be common attributes. For example you two may be having too much in common as friends than lovers.If you realise to the contrary then, keeping her as a friend may pay off than if you were lovers. If she doesnt have (or atleast not now)that attraction towards you,please back off and keep her as indeed a friend. Plus if she doent feel jealous that you are dating ather babes other thgan her,then that is reason enough to keep her as your friend.
Comment from lovely205
Choose (A).But b honest with her & let her know how your feeling. Always be honest ive been in your shoes & I am glad the day I told the person how I felt about them cause it worked out PERFECT!!!
Comment from notjustbrowsing
Dear Pete, Please note your excessive use of the plural. Why "we" ?... it is very worrying because you make it sound like you are a couple, especially the anniversary bit. No such thing, you are nothing but friends, you have a flirt, she is being used, and enjoying it out of being stubborn, as you say yourself. Do you think making excuses for her will solve anything ? Congratulations on having pursued a successful platonic relationship with another human being of the opposite sex up until now. And don't blame yourself for falling in love with them, since we are biologically programmed to do so whether we like it or not. Ignore Brenda's shallow views on physical attraction. A slight physical attraction always exists when a boy and a girl somehow decide to be friends and yet one might fall in love and not the other. Or one might fall in love before the other. And even when you thought reciprocating such feelings would solve everything, you can always fall out of love at any given moment. [ We want each other to be happy, but it's frustrating as hell, because I KNOW what I really want. ] This is the most worrying part of your text because you actually put yourself in a position where she has absolute control over the situation by saying that you are frustrated because out of the two of you only you know what you really want. You also mention not wanting to sound obsessive but your frustration has reached that level. Sorry. Do you seriously think her so-called stubborn nature is the reason why your friendship hasn't wetted any sheets yet ? Being stubborn usually means that a person knows what they want. You will suffer if you carry on like this. You could stay friends with her and maximise your chances of meeting somebody else by dating anyone who you found vaguely attractive. And yet you would still be in love with her, and that means any development in her private life could seriously affect your well-being. Since you are in your late (and getting later all the time) twenties as you put it, I suppose that it is getting later and you expect something more like near marital status from relationship, perhaps with cohabitation in view. So are you confusing the cosiness of your friendship with material for such a relationship ? You probably would know what you really want even if you weren't friends with her. Are your needs as a maturing twenty something what you are projecting on your friend ? If you use words like "anniversary" to describe your ambitions for a shaky frienship in which you are suffering I suggest you find someone with whom there will be a real one to celebrate in a couple of year's time, which is as long as it might take for your friend to show any romantic interest in you, I am sorry to say. Love knows no force, and it always finds a way, believe me...
Comment from discreetdude
I think there's 2 important things in Pete's question: - "we've officially agreed that we are meant to be friends." - "we're both casually pursuing other romantic interests" So I would agree with Brenda: find someone else. If your friend likes you that much, she could feel jealous. If she does, then tell her to either find someone else for you, or tell her you want to date her... (I'm so far from being an expert on this, so that's sone kind of logical deduction... if such a thing can be applied to social interactions... )
Comment from mustangknight
Having good and bad experience with this same situation I'd actually tell Pete to choose A. Even if you never become romantically involved, would you rather live the rest of your life without her even as a friend? I have been in the situation where my best friend and I chose to take that step and it blew up in ourfaces and once it lasted several years. The fact is you HAVE to be friends if not best friends before going to the next step or it won't last in most cases. I actually am in a similar situaiton currently. One of my closest friends and I have had that conversation that right now things are best left as friends becasue my friend is happy in the current situation they are in. If things change then my friend is aware of how I feel (everyday) but it doens't have to be an ultimatum. I'd rather stay friends for 20 years then 20 years from now look back with enormous regret that we let a fabulous friendship go to waste!
Comment from shadiebebe
I would say he tells her how he really feels. who knows she may begin to see him in another light. and if she doesnt, then at least he would have gotten it off his chest.
Comment from Kirjumirju
I would suggest to talk about your feelings and be friendly, positive and not ask the lady to give her answer. Because love is not a business deal - if I give, you must give. It is more a charity - I give because I want to; I love because I want to and you have a freedom to recieve it or reject it and that is okay. BUT, if you don't tell about your feelings then do you really think you can be "just best friends forever", when she gets married, has husband and kids? I would really hope, that she would be best friend with her husband and not with some other man. Can you imagine a lady introducing you to other people at the party: "This is my husband Bill, and this is my best friend Pete..." So, all the advises here in the style "don't rock the boat and stay best friends together ARE UNREALISTICAL! In your twenties it may seem possible, but turn 30 and you realise that it is not so anymore, because in the thirties you want to have a family not "a playground with other lovely kids sharing their toys". AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST - you as a person have full right to feel love and be loved. Do not deny your feelings or try to play according to the other people rules, but consider, that as you have your feelings, which next steps you can take that you would find joy and peace of mind in your life.
Comment from AZRprman
Personally as a guy I would have to ask... is it love or lust? If you really believe deep down that it is love then you'll hate yourself forever if you don't tell her exactly what you feel. My opinion is that you can't fault a person for being honest. More often than not it hurts like hell, but at least it paves the way for a relationship (whatever kind it may/may not be) that has a chance to grow based on trust. The element of trust is built upon sustained honesty.I'm not any kind of counselor or guru, but I've learned enough over the years that a relationship without trust will inevitably fail. Trust your instincts.
I would say from past experience... There are plenty of more fish in the sea... Dont waste your time like I did.
Comment from abcd1
Just warch 'Kal ho na ho' and work on advice of shahrukh khan. you will definitely be able to make her yours.
Comment from WhatsMissing
Pete! I've been here, and it was very confusing. I had an unrequited love for a remarkable girl. After 10 years, we got drunk together and we went for it. Unfortunately, the next morning, she hated herself for it. She had unclear explanations about this, saying that it was inevitable that we had sex (?), that she had no regrets, but she wished that it had not happened. She explained that "Friends cannot be lovers, believe me. I've experienced this road before." That sounded like regret to me, I said, and I figured that she also meant that "Lovers can not be friends." She hinted that she wanted our relationship to continue as it was before, as if we had not had sex. At this point, all of her vague hinting left me with some mixed messages, and our relationship became creepy and forced. I often wanted to tell her that her rejection of me made me want to tell her to just get out of my life. She didn't want the role that I wanted her to audition for. Then she started dating other men and she moved away. I am going to have to go with Brenda's advice. Give the flake some room. Find out what you saw in her. Find other women who share interests with you. Enjoy life. Get a male best friend. Talk about this problem with your dad. Write some ultimatums down, about how your relationship with this girl is becoming complicated and incomplete and about how you need to fulfill your needs. In this world, you will find people who only like part of you. Sometimes that is just the physical or the mental parts. This girl likes the mental part of you. You must tell yourself that you need someone who likes all of you. Don't pine over this person. You may find that you have blinded yourself to the facts about who she is, only to be infatuated with small parts of her, like her perkiness, her cooing, her enthusiasm, her secret thrills, her style. You know, shallow stuff. And overlook her annoying traits like how much she drinks or smokes or sleeps around. Plus, Pete, You may be at a point where you are looking for a stable and long-term relationship (you would not be looking for a one-night stand with someone you figure that you will be friends with for a long time), but you have no right to assume that she is also looking for a more permanent relationship.
Comment from abel
Just be truthful and tell her how you feel about her.
Comment from oceana5
I would suggest being a bit more open with her about your feelings. 2 men I dated, 1 for 10 months and the other for 2 years, were "just great friends" for either 1 or 2 years before we dated. The first one had asked me out when we first met, but was willing to be friends when I said no. A year later, he was my best friend and I fell in love with him. He was even the one I went to about "the guy I was in love with that I couldn't tell". If he hadn't been pushy about finding out who the guy was, he would have just been the friend I turned to about the "relationship/unrequited love" problem! Then the second guy was classic! We were both great friends, buddies, for 2 years before we dated. Neither of us was ready for a relationship for the first 18 months of our friendship, and we were very open with one another about the platonic nature of our feelings, but then we fell in love. Everyone around us knew that we were in love, but we protested every time they asked when we had started dating: "oh, we are just friends"!!!! He even went out with some girl the weekend after he kissed my neck, thinking that I hadn't noticed him doing it and there was no chance I would be interested in him! Be a man and do something about how you feel, regardless of the two of you saying you only want to be great friends, unless of course you really believe those shared moments were only one sided... Shave, dress up a bit and hug her a little too long... If you get the feeling that she really only wants to be friends, then back off; but if she is worth it to you, you have to take the risk!
Comment from jeffy322000
I know somewhat how Pete feels, because I'm pretty much going through the same thing! Pete" all the power to yah" tell her you want her and don't give up. Also follow your heart and not your sub conscious!
Comment from Terri
With respect to Brenda I tend to disagree on the physical attributes being the sole reason for her decision to remain friends. It takes time to get to know someone, and after a year you can pretty much get an idea how values, strengths, and weaknesses of the other person could positively or negatively affect a relationship. I would suggest that Pete look a little deeper than just the physical stuff and maybe he will even realize that there may be some incompatibility issues there that she noticed before he did. I would suggest he does not remain friends but just neutral and move on, unless he is completely willing and able to maintain a friendship knowing there will be no chance for it to evolve any further in the future.
Comment from The-Apostle
Quit being a wuss and kissing up to her because you think that will make her want you. Pursue other interests and let he see what it really feels like for you to not be there for her. Quit catering to her and pull your head out of her butt and she will come around. You are not a challenge, you are plan B, if all else fails there will always be Pete.
Comment from f_ash
tell your bf how you really feel but be careful I myself was in your situation at one time I fell in love with my best friend and I told him but then after we stared dating he turned abusive so that ended right away but if I were your bf I would like to know if you loved me and face it you wont be young forever so why live any longer being in a relationship with someone else while your in love with your bf.
Comment from FPDAdam24
Stay a friend to her. I became involved with my best friend who happened to be my room mate. We fell in love and talked about the future.....for three weeks. Now a month later I still don't know what happened. Our friendship is in turmoil and she is telling me to pursue others. If it doesn't work you will have lost a friend forever. I'm trying to get my friend back, and yes she still is my room mate.
Comment from buttuurfly
I'm in the same situation with my best friend. He knows that I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for him, and I'll never stop loving him, but I have been in love with him for 14 years. That's a long time, and he's never said anything other than "friends" to me...and I refuse to push it. I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not in my life at all. and I've come close to loosing him a couple of times because I tried to push something that he wasn't feeling. That was a bad mistake on my part. I hope deep down in my heart that one day he'll come around, but if he never does, it's okay because I know I'll always have him in my life.
Comment from Kwt4007
If this was me I'd let your know just what is in my heart, how I feel about her, and how we need to do something about this.
Comment from joyce
I think the lady really love the guy to be the friend and nothing else. what the guy feels is normal cause the lady I hope does not have a boyfriend. the guy should just advice him self that the lady does not feel the same thing for him.
Comment from bogierfla
Do you really love her or is this some quest you're on? NEVER kick a friend to the curb, NEVER. This frustration will last as long as you two keep dancing around the issue. Talk to her , be open and honest.
Comment from Sidwell
YOU cannot beg for love it must all start with attraction and attraction is not a choice but a strong reaction of love not of friendship, bear in mind that you cannot convince a woman to love you but you can convince her to like you. It will be wiser to be JUST friends not such serious friends your friendship is not healthy now. Take her out of your mind before is too late, stop wasting your time with her, someone is waiting for your love out there. Just quit do not even think of her because that is going to ruin your love life. SHE is going to be jealous when she sees you with another lady but just ignore that as it will soon pass by. Keep meeting different ladies out there you will eventually meet your soul mate but that is not going to be easy. GOD bless.
Comment from yung40
well Pete I think its better u be persistent with her, Im sure she gonna be all yours. its just her way to reassure herself abt ur feelings towards her. Just be concern abt her well being as ever and she sure gonna fall to u. Its better to win ur best friend as ur partner in life ,best of luck... You will make it soon.
Comment from donaldmcbath
The same situation existed for me too. But I made a terrible mistake. I got jealous and she and I haven't spoken in over 3 months now. I destroyed the best friend relationship because I wanted more! Don't make the same mistake I did. Hang in there and date lots of women; let her date and pull back from her. The more you pull back from her and just stay her friend when she wants you to be there for her, you will see changes. If you truly are meant to be with each other, it will happen naturally. Don't force it.
What kind of advice is that, friends or walk away? Follow your heart as they say, not this sexual laws of nature crap.
Comment from rogerw550
He (Pete) could really confess to her how he really feels about her, being trueful about relationships is sometimes the best policy. As long as he just keeps his deep emotional feelings locked inside of him, he is only hurting himself and needs to be totally honest with her. If I were in the situation, that's what I would do. I know from experience how it feels to be in love with someone only after it's too late and all they want to do is just be friends and I had to let the Lord heal my emotions and over a period of time that is what happened and now I am ready to move on with my life and am looking for my soulmate as well.
Comment from pjazi
Why he just tell her, what he feels. May be she just wake up, right now instead of later. She could be shay to tell him, she loves him, may be she wants to hear from him first.
Comment from tafadan
Well, I am in the same predicament, with me its only that at times she is close and at one time she told me that she loved me or she was almost falling for me had it not be of a foolish statement that I uttered around our friends in a prayer meeting time. I confessed that I was attracted to this other particular girl. I did not know as that time that she was watching me and all along pretending not to even give a rip about me. I would suggest you stick around and as soon as you may have an interest in someone else, let it be that she is the first one to know. I tell you in the first days she would pretend as if it is not bothering her and she would even offer support to you on your moves and when you show that you are really serious about this other person (which you may not anyway) She will start to crumble around you and guard you jealously and she will start showing you how she really feels deep down in the form of actions (Actions speaks louder than words). She will even try indirectly to separate you with this other person indirectly and yet she will pretend to support you. That's when you strike and remember to strike while the iron is still hot. And Remember, this may not always work, she may genuinely be not interested in you that way so you have to be cautious and also leave room for disappointment
Comment from Ima
Pete. I am also in love with my best friend and I'm in my late twenties and he is in his late thirty's but we both have said to one another that it is best to stay friends and nothing more for the time being because I am in a relationship and he said no matter what he will wait for me to make my mind up. So my advise to you is continue being her friend and everything will work out in the end. Everything does happen for a reason. I feel for you.
Comment from geophys63
I think Brenda is right...but I also feel there is more ..I thought the question was being written by a woman. until I saw the first "she" ..there are also many other factors are they sexually active with others is Pete intimate with his flirt and is "she" being intimate with the date Pete refers to...If not there is a factor of inexperience and immaturity here...Plus I feel that Pete is not assertive...please I do not mean to imply Maco , which is the worst trait a man can ever exhibit... "She" is sexually immature experience wise and feels comfy with Pete because he is not perceived as a threat....Pete could also be a bit effeminate which would fit with his writing style...and his lack of assertiveness...All traits that any woman would like in a totally platonic friend.
Comment from chuckmaltbie
Move on Pete, as hard as it is , I married one like yours & believe me you will be disappointed at some time. mine took 19 years, chuck.
Comment from adlc
Pete, Let me ask you something, you think that whatever is you’re doing until now to get her to like you is working? Of course Not!! So what makes you think that trying even harder the same things is going to work? Somebody said (I can’t remember who) “No matter how far down the road you are, you can always stop and turn around” or something like that! What I’m trying to say is that if you really want to get this girl to like as a couple, you need to “stop immediately” what you’re doing and step back, it is obvious is not working. Stop being “a nice guy” to her, because I bet that’s what you’re doing. Now I’m not saying to become and abusive jerk, NO. You can be nice but don’t be a nice guy. Here is the deal, women are attracted to guys who are confident, independent, decisive, have initiative, have control of their life and surroundings, guys who are unpredictable (not to be confused with unstable), different (different is attractive to humans in general)..etc. I other words, they like a man who is a “man”, and remember, women can pick up body language 10 times more than men so they can practically sense this kind of stuff a mille away. And just in case you didn’t know this, body language and voice tone represent 93% of communication and only 7% is through actual words. And most of the times they are attracted to this qualities in an unconscious level. On the other hand, women get annoyed by guys who are needy, clingy, who are always kissing up to them, who are always asking for approval for everything, who are always trying to avoid things they think she might not like, etc.… Trust me; this is not attractive to women. How many times have you seen a very attractive woman with a guy that in your opinion is an arrogant jerk? And how many times have you seen a guy or friend saying things like “But I don’t understand why she dumped me, If I was so nice to her and I did everything she wanted”…. Think about it Bro!!! Personally, I’ve seen both cases a lot. Now here is my opinion: There are a dizillion women out there, so I don’t get why you want to spend all your energy and time on getting this particular one. I don’t think is worth the energy but hey, this is just my opinion. My advice if you want to get this girl: Get a life and stay busy all the time. Stop hanging out with her so often, stop calling her everyday and wait until she calls you and say you’re busy and hang up. Then call her the next day be brief and always be the one to end the phone call or any interaction (if you’re in person with her or online, whatever). Leave her wanting more, let her miss you; remember “people fall in love with other people when they are not around, when they miss them, not when they are with them”. Start dating other women immediately, be unpredictable and different, do things when she least expect them, like don’t talk to her for 3 or 4 days then leave a rose in the windshield of her car so she can find it the next morning saying something like “I saw this rose and thought about you, have a great day” or something like that. Be funny, if you’re not funny, learn (read books about comedy), I’m telling you man, funny guys get surrounded by women all the time, hell even by guys. Be confident in your self (confidence looks good in anybody, no matter how ugly they are, if you don’t believe me ask any of your girl friends). Stop thinking you want to be with her and just have fun. You are living your REALITY and she is a host, not the other way around Bro. Be cocky-funny, it has to be both, other wise you’ll come across as an arrogant bastard. Pretend she is your little sister, you love her but she annoys you so it doesn’t bother you to make fun of her (once again in a charming-funny way). Bust on her every time you can, make jokes about her insecurities in a funny charming way. This lets her know that you are not intimidated by her or what she might think of you (and translates into confidence) get it?. Relax and lean back, don’t get too physical with her, meaning don’t get to close to her when you’re with her. Anything that you can do in the opposite way of what you been doing until now, would help a big deal… because she will be like “what is going on here”. And most important, which in your case I think it would be a little more difficult since you seam to love this girl, try not to give a damn what the outcome of the situation would be. What other people think about you is none of your business, you’re living your own reality and the rest are hosts in it. I could go on and on, but it would take pages and pages, so all I have left to say is Good luck Bro.
Comment from runsane7
Pete, I have the same situation and am trying to make the same decision. What I have done is try to consider how I would feel if I press the issue and lose the friendship. For now, I've decided to keep status quo and retain the friendship; however, I am spending more time away from him. I am finding he does seem to miss me and my companionship and is very happy to see me when I return.
Comment from all_4_unc_2000
Pete your in your mid to late twenty's now is the time to sow your wild oats have fun be young and enjoy.
Comment from Gaurdian_Knight
I had that situation once. My best friend was a year younger than me and I fell in love with her, but she liked this other guy, ironically my other best friend. Anyway, I helped her as much as I could by just being there for her when times were hard and letting her talk to me as much as she wanted about anything. We were actually friends with benefits, if you get my meaning, though nobody else knew that. That didn't stop her from trying to go after this other friend of mine though, nor me from helping her do so. Anyway, the point is that once she realized that she was really in Love with me, rather than this other man, we got together. It lasted 2 years before we broke up, and that was my fault; but that's a long story, just so that everyone knows, I never cheated on her, lol. That's just what most people think when someone says it was their fault for the breakup. But my advice to you would be to stay with her, maybe let her know that your there for her, tell her that you will always be available for her to talk to you. Do fun things with her, be her best friend, and if it goes from there, then you'll know it's meant to be. She will just have to see that for herself or she won't be happy with you if you force her to choose.
Comment from grelle
Date someone she knows that will gush about you to her.
Comment from annie04
Well, sometimes people that have become great friends are afraid to take it to the next level because they would be risking losing that friendship if the relationship should fail. There may also be times when, if both are dating someone else, that not just him, but the woman as well, may feel that neither is interested in a romantic way. I feel that if it is important enough to him, he should say something without getting too heavy about it. Maybe make a comment about maybe they should just get together since they get along so well, and forget about the other people that they keep dating, and see what she has to say about that. It could just be the best relationship in the world! To be married to your best friend.... WOW! The communication level of the relationship has already been established, and the way I see it, communication is half the battle.
Comment from JFANDRZ
Brenda , I think you blew it with that one, where did you get your degree? I think Pete, should tell her immediately what he thinks and how he feels! He should make one last ditch attempt to win her heart, and if that doesn't work, then he can still try to be friends. the reason she wants to remain friends is obvious to me. She likes having him around. I think Pete should GO FOT IT
Comment from ab40
Pete, Explain to your friend how you feel. You could always use the "I have a friend who is attracted to their best friend, what would you do in this situation." type of approach. It may be difficult, but it would settle your head. While it is nice to have friends of the opposite sex in a plutonic way, it doesn't always work out, especially when a prospective partner could feel threatened. Then again there just may not be enough hours in a day to continue such a relationship and have a partner. Try to focus on your relationship goals. You may have to let friendship take a back seat.
Comment from Paul
Pete, keep the pure friendship for life And try to mate with another female who is more prone to do it with you, sounds difficult??? . Learn not to mix up love affairs and friendship. They are two different things. Good luck dude....
Comment from slmaesrro
hello Pete, my belief on this is she might feel that its too weird for best friends to be involved in a romantic way or not. REALLY have a serious heart to heart talk with her and lay it all down in front of her, letting her know how strongly you feel. Its happened once to me and it worked out fine, I'm with a great girl who knows everything about me and knows what I like and I know all about her. Its been great! Sex is outstanding by the way! Like I said, she KNOWS what I like. I say, pursue it. If it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be, if it does then all the more power to you!
Comment from kram777
I'M going thru the same situation, but we actually got intimate twice (first two dates), and we knew each other from a previous job for 6 months... Also, she's just going through a divorce (almost complete) and wants to make sure I'm committed completely to her and her kids, not just a casual thing. that's what I think anyways, so I'm going to do as much as I can as a really good friend, and try to figure her out; I'm going to give her 3-6 months I figure...after that I'll look seriously elsewhere, because you can't live by someone's else's timetable your whole life...
Comment from Gene
Hey Pete: take Brenda's advice I have been there and Brenda has hit it right on the head. There are other fish in the sea and I know you will hurt but time heals.
Comment from jcbr
Take her out for a nice evening dinner. tell her about your interests how special she is to you. that u love her as a friend but u would like to love her as your wife and ask her . if she says no #1 you can remain friends #2 get on with your life find your equal or #3 hope and wait till u die and lose .be fair to yourself check the world out maybe that angel hasn't knocked on your heart yet .right now your playing a mind game with yourself part of yourself holds back part wants to give .I cant make others to fall in love I can set the stage present myself (my actions trust honesty respect and being happy myself) good luck Pete oh if you win a wife treat her heart as you would yours its only my opinion Im searching too.
Comment from rogueperson
I was in a very similar situation that you were in. But instead of a year, it was 14 years. I eventually did end up with her and the relationship was great for the year and a half we were together. However, things didn't work out and we are barely friends now. It is through no fault of either of us. It is just the situation in her life (if it was up to me, we'd still be together). My suggestion to you is that if you really do love her AND she knows, is to use that love to be the best friend you can. I'll tell you now that if you do that, you'll appreciate her for who she is, and not what she could be. Who knows, it time, she may realize you are what she really wants like what happened to me, but once that gets let out, it can't be put back. I find it very hard to be her friend now, not because I have ill feelings for her, but because of other issues in her life. Despite the fact that I was seriously hurt in this, I still have deep strong feelings for her and want her back in my life.
Comment from wanderswithdog
Hey Pete, I can relate. I have been living in the same situation for almost 6 years now with my best friend and part time roommate and some times it is frustrating but if she is truly your best friend I would choose "A" and continue your friendship, you may never find another like her and she might "come around" or she might not, time will tell. till then keep your eyes open and continue dating while you enjoy the company of your best friend. I wouldn't trade the times we've had together for anything in this world, it would have been a shame to miss that. good luck
Comment from purengenuine
From my own experience with guys friendships, I understand what your friend is thinking. I have guy friends that could definitely treat me right, but I'm too scared to get close to them. I'm scared it will work out. As her friend, she is asking for only your friendship. That is so important and special. For myself, I know how hard it is to just find a guy "friend" who isn't concerned with getting me in bed. So good for you- you have an awesome friendship and even if she never realizes how awesome and special you are (or how great you could be together) know that you are a wonderful man for being simply her friend. As hard as it may seem, I would try to get your focus and attention off of her. The more you dote on her the more self pity you will feel -which won't get you the girl. Start branching out- meet new people, go to places on your own, live while you're still single! Being coupled with someone doesn't mean your life is just beginning, you are still young and there are so many people in this world to meet! So get out there and meet some while you have time! (before you're married with kids and all that good stuff...)
Comment from Ever-G
Pete as harsh as this may sound ..move one. sept,1 will be one year, to long to be without someone else. now is the time to put a little distance, between you and she.
Comment from jims64
I would suggest honesty is the best policy and tell her that feelings on your part have changed but there is no pressure and if that she is unreceptive, then that is it. Possibly you two could try a twosome for a short time with no strings and see what comes out of that.
Comment from dancinfool3
Level with the lady. Don't be pushy, just "share", as best friends do, your feelings. Who knows, she could be feeling the same way and not know how to tell you.
Comment from Steve
Hey Pete it really sucks that you are in this situation. I have been there and so have my friends. I am friends with girls that want more from me and I am attracted to them but I just am not attracted to them enough to want a relationship. I think that she could be attracted to you or maybe not. If she isn't it doesn't mean that you aren't attractive it just means there is someone else who is attracted to you. She might already feel safe and comfortable knowing she has you and doesn't appreciate it. My advice is find someone else but stay friends with here. If you find someone else you will get a reaction from her. I am no expert but I have been with many women and have had many relationships. I analyze this stuff all the time. Some women find me very attractive and some don't. Not everybody can be attracted to you. I think that she likes more like a friend but she could also be very confused. If she wanted you in a sexual way you would be with her already. Also right now you only have eyes for her, maybe because she is a challenge and you can't have her? I say full court press, tell her what's up, put the moves on, but have respect for her. If it doesn't work out then its not meant to be and someday you will be glad it didn't.
Comment from legs48
The easy affection you share with a friend can change drastically when it becomes more than friendship. What you think will be perfect can end up a nightmare instead. If he truly loves her, and she's made it clear that she doesn't want a romantic relationshiip with him, he should do what he knows will make her happy- let go. If he can't change his feelings then he needs some time and distance. He should also realize that friendships are valuable. Romantic partners may come and go but real friends are there forever. If she can't love him the way he wants her to, he should be happy that she loves him enough to offer him something as valuable as friendship.
Comment from Shaun
Tell her to f off. I wouldn't be around her anymore cause it would just upset me. cut her loose man and forget her she isn't worth your time
Comment from Chilvorous76
Women are messed up creatures. They say they want one thing and go for the complete opposite. Look I went through the same thing. I had to decide was it just a little crush, or was I seriously in love. If your in love tell her. She might feel the same and was also afraid. But your the man. State your case. If she spazs out, the to hell with her. Good luck bro
Comment from davidlee57
Hey Pete, Sorry to say, been there, done that, and unfortunately it didn't work out for me either, however I think I made a rather good poem outta it, I don't know if it will help or not, but here it is.
If you love something set it free
The fluttering butterfly of beauty I saw and then did catch,
Determined was I with all my strength to hold on to it,
But the pursuit has left me at love’s precipice and all to near to death,
And soon I realized if my love was true then I would have to quit,
So near to tumbling over adoration’s crag and dragging my worship with me
With one last mighty valiant toss unto the sky I didst set her free,
Falling, falling, falling for my love it was ever so true
Now that you are free I can only be saved from being blue,
With your coming back and liberating me,
And exorcizing my sorry life’s solitude decree.
- Written by David L. Grassel
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