Wrestling with Desire

Dear Brian,
I am writing to you because I need some advice. I have been wrestling with a thought in my head that I might be gay or bi-sexual. I have had thoughts about women and over the past year have had dreams about them that I keep denying. But the more I try and deny it the more I find myself attracted to women. I know the way my parents are against gays and the way society is and I just can't bear to disappoint either one. I need your help.
- Tamara935

Dear Tamara935,
You don’t specify your age, and your age could be significant. In adolescence, boys and girls often experience confusion about their sexual orientation. Most eventually line up to join the heterosexual majority, a smaller number accept that they’re gay, and still others turn out to be bi-sexual, usually with a decided preference for one gender. How strong are your feelings for women? Do they dominate your thoughts and sexual fantasies leaving no room for thoughts of men? If so, you are probably a lesbian, or a bi-sexual with a strong preference for women. Have you dated men? Have you dated women? If a man were to ask you out, would you be inclined to accept the invitation? What about if a woman displayed a romantic interest in you? Would you be open to a sexual and/or romantic relationship with a woman? Getting out in the world and establishing relationships, though not necessarily sexual ones, may provide the answer to your dilemma.

If you reach the conclusion that you are a lesbian or bi-sexual, accept it and focus on what you need to live a fulfilled and satisfying life. You can’t let either your parents or society dictate what you should do when your own feelings contradict their commands. Society is becoming more tolerant of homosexuality. The fact that most people appear to oppose gay marriage may suggest otherwise, but the fact that such an issue is being discussed at all proves we have made much headway when it comes to acceptance. Parents are still inclined to frown upon the thought that their child may be gay. It’s not homophobia so much as it is a desire to see their children happy and content. One can certainly be happy, content, and gay, but a heterosexual’s path in life has fewer roadblocks, and your parents would likely want to see your path hindered by as few obstacles as possible. Keep in mind that there’s no need to report every detail of your life to your parents. If you think they can accept your sexuality, fine, tell them. If you think they would react negatively, keep it quiet. The day may come when they'll be more open to your lifestyle.

These things take time, but your life belongs to you, not to your parents and certainly not to society. You can't please everyone, but you can please yourself.

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