I Don’t Look Gay

Dear Brian,
I have a really stupid problem...I am sick of being told that I "don't look gay." I admit to being closeted at home and work for personal reasons, but when I am at a club I never get hit on. My friends tell me it's because I don't look gay so that people assume I am "just curious" or worse, "a fag hag." I like my appearance and my long hair, do I need to change it just to get a date?
- 100% lesbian

Dear 100% Lesbian,
Your problem isn’t stupid at all. In fact, it’s one that many lesbians and gay men are confronted with all the time. It’s silly. Some lesbians and gay men claim to be offended by stereotypes, yet think nothing of enforcing them on every one they meet. If a man isn’t effeminate or overly masculine, but just an average guy, well, he’s not gay enough. And a woman who maintains a feminine appearance can’t be a lesbian. As long as you’re pleased with your appearance, I wouldn’t change it. What I would do is stop waiting to be hit on. When you see a woman you find attractive, hit on her. I would suspect that many lesbians who fit the stereotype are very attracted to women who don’t but may not feel comfortable making an approach for the very reasons you state. They assume you’re curious of a fag hag. Show them you’re neither by being the pursuer rather than the pursued. After awhile, once it’s been established that you are, indeed, a lesbian, they may relax and hit on you.

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