I Don’t Know What I Want

Dear Brian,
I just wanted to say that reading a couple of your responses to other questions has been an eye opener for me. My issue is...I'm coming to realize that I have a strong desire to be in a loving relationship with a woman, even though I don't consider myself to be a lesbian. I recently met another woman online. I'm 26 and she's 20. We met less than a month ago, and I truly adore her and I'm attracted to her. She said I love you to me the second day we started chatting online, and even though I didn't feel the same way, I told her I loved her just to avoid hurting her feelings. We've been in touch at least every single day, even though we're busy people. I feel our relationship has moved way too fast, plus we've both shared very intimate details within this very short time. How do I slow things down without hurting her feelings? I still want to keep in touch with her on a daily basis, but we live so far apart. I still want to keep her interested in me without feeling obligated to her. Please help, I'm beginning to feel I don't know what I want. Do you feel this online long distance love will last?
- sunnycali

Dear sunnycali,
Can an online long distance love last? I would tend to think not. If the two of you don’t get together at some point, one of you will likely disappear without a trace into cyberspace. At least that’s been my experience with assorted online pals. You can slow things down by spending less time online. I assume you communicate through an instant messenger, so by turning it off, you can be online without her knowing it. If she asks where you’ve been, just tell her you’ve been busy and have other commitments. Has she indicated an interest in getting together in real time? If not, this may just be a relatively harmless online flirtation in which the two of you can indulge your desires without having to act on them. The main question for you to answer is this: do you want to act on them? It sounds to me as though you don’t, not really, but enjoy the attentions of an attractive woman as long as it’s safe and won’t lead to any real time experiences. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that, unless you’re leading her on by suggesting that a real time relationship is going to result. If you’re sure it won’t but she thinks it will, you should tell her so. Unless, of course, a real time relationship is what you want after all. Ask yourself: what do you want?

Back to advice archive