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Facing Rejection
Comment from juanmarcos
Hi, I don' think it is acceptable to suggest to people to use "race" as an excuse to break up with someone. This sounds like a racist suggestion in the article: "Tell your former lover that there's no possibility for another chance because you're now sure that you must find someone who is something that this person is not -- your religion, not divorced, a local (you know she can never leave her hometown to move to yours), your race, or any other immutable quality."
This was a great article full of wonderful advice, but what about if you feel really strongly for that person (and vice versa)? Are there some rare occasions where couples do get back together after a break up (having missed each other and learnt a lesson while apart)? Is it possible to do anything constructive in the meantime? Or it just a set-up for failure to hope?
Comment from KR1S
I am a 24 year old male who has virtually zero self-esteem. I am so shy around the opposite sex that I steer well clear. I have never been in a relationship and I will not even consider approaching a female because I believe I am worthless. I consider myself to be ugly, and certain features of myself I consider to be inadequate to the extreme, that I often become so depressed to the level where I have become secluded and shut away from other people. I tell myself I will spend the rest of my life alone and lonely, and that I must accept that this is the way my life will be, lonely and secluded. In my place of work, if I have to deal with a female, I will avoid eye contact because I worry that she will notice I have an off centre left eye, that I believe makes my look ridiculously ugly.
Comment from njohnson
I'm shy when I'm getting to know someone. I try not to stumble my words, though sometimes I can't help it. If I like the person I try to just play cool, then it seems like I'm not talking enough, or energetic enough. I dated this girl who is absolutely amazing. It was two months we were together and I just got stuck. I thought I didn't want her as my partner in life, and I broke it off with her. But now I have come to realize that she is the exact type of girl that I need in my life. I don't want to bother her in her life because she seems happy, but I do want her back. I wish I knew what to do. I'm now on Date.com trying to find one like her. If only I could tell her how I truly feel!
Comment from Rheanna
Yeah I wasted 14yrs of my life so he could cheat on me with the chick 4 houses down from me while I was at work. Now I wish I got rid of him sooner before he took all my money. You would think after supporting him for 10 out of the 14yrs he would gave me some respect to wait until I was home to pull that stunt. And nope, No future marriage plans for me. What I find funny is that he always brought up the "I'm afraid your going to cheat on me" GRR whatever. Relationships and Marriages are overrated and it's only meant for when you have kids together. There it's off my chest. I'm going to start over and stay away from relationships. I will say I did try to go on a date but he acted like a moron. He was so in love with his cell phone that all he was able to say was "Could you hold on a minute". After that I was gone. I was like when you have the time than call me. I don't think I'll pick my phone up anytime soon.
Comment from billq7
This article was "right on" regarding my family of origin and why I am so self-critical. It was helpful to reflect on why I am this way so that I can become more aware of when I am subjecting myself to this negative and destructive behavior and change it.
Hi, I have to say that after reading your article. I feel like you are a man hater sorry. but all you talk about is woman that have had problems in there relationships. Men have a tough time to. Women and their expectations of what they want out of a relationship going in and thru out can change so much. Then the man is to blame? I don't think so. You need to have your head right about what you want before you go in to a relationship, and then only then, you only have your self to blame if it doesn't work out not your partner.
I met a man on this site 1/2 yrs ago, which is how long we were together. After the first few months, I knew in my heart it was not going to be long-term but I stayed at it, trying with him again and again because our relationship became angry. In the end, it was he who finally ended us and he was nice and respectful at first about it but then became ugly, mean and angry. It has been a month now and I am still in a lot of pain. I know that time is the only thing on my side but even though we were incompatible, I still miss him very much.
Comment from phenix2000
Shyness for me has always been there, its a part of my life that I have started to deal with. Me being shy has stopped me from going for a girl that I really liked, about one year ago I was talking to her and I brought up the fact that I did like her back then (she is married now and we became good friends) when I told her she looked at me all bewildered and asked me "why I did not say something then". I was nineteen then, I am 24 now and I still can't ask any one out. Your article is me to the tee.
Comment from giulianaM
Yes, it was. The article is fabulous, and I have to say that it's so real. I was in the second stage too long and I decided to end the relationship with futureless. Now I am on date.com and I am waiting to meet someone else.
Comment from maemae04
Yes. I was involved in a relationship that I thought would work out because we grew up in the same neighborhood, and at one time, he was best pals with my brother. He was insensitive to my feelings, and I was always taking a back seat to other things. No more, I have had enough. When he was sweet, he was very sweet, but when he was bad he was horrid! I did try the best I could to make it work. I am so tired of one sided relationships. Next time I am going to go for the respect I deserve. I will be better off without him and his mind games. If your tooth is aching, you have to pull it! It was ego crushing, but I am going to make it, because I am worthy.
Comment from r6guy03
I've always been TERRIBLE with dating. I mean I HAVE no dating career. I can't ever bring myself to even walk up to a girl. Cause I know she's going to say no, at one point it makes me feel more comfortable NOT talking to her. Cause I can't stand the rejection. So I'm too shy to even start. but at the same time. I'm miserably lonely. I've always been the guy who is ready to settle down with one girl and have kids and a family since I was like 16.. Then the girl I was supposed to marry dumped me, and I just can't bring myself to get into another relationship because I'm scared of the same thing happening. I know it's dumb. but for some reason I can't get over this hump in the road
Comment from hughmcl
I am currently having some issues. I'm just coming out of a 9 1/2 year marriage which I thought was going well. I'm a very shy person and talking to women makes me incredibly nervous. I've been trying multiple on-line dating places including date.com and have tried to contact a lot of people, with either no response or no-thanks. I've contacted about 80 people and had no positive responses. I'm not really attractive which makes it harder to start with. The endless rejection is hard. I'd like to find someone local to me, but that's looking less likely. And I'm not a bar/pub/karaoke person, and most of my friends were built from my wife's (I'm from Scotland and the only people I've really interacted with were my wife's friends).
Comment from Volod
I am amused that articles such as this always seem to assume that the victim of psychological dysfunction is in every case female. I have suffered from pathological shyness my entire life. But, in my case, it was imposed by a domineering, emotionally withdrawn mother. The relationship caused me to irrationally fear and excessively adore the women I was attracted to. It also, as the article's author presciently pointed out, led me into a hellish marriage to a woman I didn't love, but could not bear to "hurt" by rejecting her. I have found some peace now in my fifties, but, the frightened, lovelorn little boy remains in control of my psychological life, probably forever.
Absolutely. It terrifies me to be rejected to my face.
Comment from SweetMan_24
Well, I'm not sure if it's shyness or just being unsure of myself, and I'm sure that while those two are related, they are different things. But the thing is, when I go to parties and bars and other social events, I tend to misread signals. And the signals I misread are the signals that most books on the subject of dating tell me are the signals. Like one time, I spent all night at the bar talking to a girl. She did all the "typical" flirtatious things: maintained eye contact, maintained physical contact, etc. So I got her number, assuming that we had been flirting the whole time. Whenever I called, she was unavailable, and never returned any messages. Conversely, I've been in situations where I liked a girl but failed to do anything because I felt that they weren't giving off the "vibe". Later, I would find out from several different sources that she was in fact interested in me and I had missed my chance. What can I do????
Comment from bobby400
Sure, shyness was a major part of my WHOLE life. Being small as a boy, I had to accept life with some bullying now and then and that left me withdrawn my whole life. I tried dating but it never worked, until I took an overseas assignment to Japan. Now my size didn't matter as much. I found that I was accepted more and started dating. My only regret is that I did it so late in my life. I have discovered the part of the world that I truly love.
Comment from Struggle29
You know what? Every since I was young, even though I'm only 23, I've never been the "approach a lady" type. For a long time I opted to skip this awkward meeting point because I felt that Females gain a complex of power when you approach them or even speak for that matter. The way I felt was, I'm a good person and you should be as honored to meet me as I am to meet you. I think that's where the problem is, the common respect for the sexes is steadily diminishing, I want to say for people in general but that's a totally different article.
Comment from toraa22
It is not shyness that is always the problem. Many times is a successful woman that has a clear direction of where she is going and what it takes to get there that makes man uncomfortable and insecure. rather to deal and try to keep up with some of us they rather walk away to find something less rewarding.
Comment from wildflower2
Shyness has never been a problem with me. What is a problem is my peculiarity. I need a calm, feet on the ground guy who can accept my eccentricities. Also, men think my photo is 10yrs old because I look so young. I attract older men whom I can run rings around. BIG PROBLEM!!!!
Comment from Lytiningstrikes
This article really hit home in my case, Thanks you for posting it. I have sabotaged a few budding relationships. Sadly I only sabotage when I really feel the person has the potential to be "the one".
Comment from DesRuff
What happens with rejection outside of a relationship? The article covered rejection within a relationship but what about rejection outside of a relationship like for example you approach someone on the street and you get rejected? I believe my shyness is an obstacle in my dating life, for the most part the shyness is there but on occasion the shyness is not there and when the shyness is not present then another obstacle of lack of things to say is present, maybe it is due to nervousness. Talking about rejection in relationships, in my experiences, sometimes shyness is not an issue in ending a relationship. Sometimes it is just the fear of being lonely or worrying about how difficult it is finding another.
Comment from Medic1171
shyness has played and STILL is an obstacle in my dating life. For some reason, the more I get rejected, the less I tend to go out and try to find a date, for fear of rejection of course. I feel sometimes that the girl I DO talk to is too good for me, or that if I DO ask her out on a date and I'm rejected, I feel I did something wrong to push her away. what can I do to get over this so I can have a love life once again?
Comment from lostlove25
My problem with shyness is that it interferes with me even just saying hi to a new girl. it has gotten to the point where I wouldn't ask a girl on a date at all but would let her come to me. if she doesn't come to me then I would just go on my way no matter how bad I wanted to say something to her. I would usually have to be drunk just to even speak to them. in the end I would end up with someone I've been knowing for a while, or someone who spoke to me first.
Comment from blondnblue44
Yes, I was verbally and emotionally abused in a relationship that lasted 12 years. He was extremely brutal and I lost myself and my sense of security and my soul. The relationship is over and he goes on with his life like nothing ever happened and with the freedom to abuse again and act like he did nothing wrong around any of the people in our community who have never heard or seen the abuse. It is so unfair and makes me so angry and I feel powerless to know that I am the one who has to pay the price. I live in a small town and he is now going to all the places I used to go to be able to see my friends in peace. I don't want to ever see this horrible person again and to have to do so is like being raped and having to be in the same room with your rapist and him never prosecuted for the crime. That is how it feels--and I feel totally victimized. I am an emotional wreck and am going to have to sell my home and leave town just to be able to have any kind of peaceful and happy life. It sickens me but it is the only way to ensure that I never have to see this person again. I guess I am just venting my hurt and anger and disgust over all of this. I just hope it will help someone else stay away from anyone they think could be emotionally or verbally abusive and most of all, if you are a victim, then don't be silent about it, tell everyone you know about it and let everyone know what kind of person the abuser is. That is one way they cannot keep their abuse a secret.
Comment from easy1
Most of my friends think that I'm more outgoing than I really am. When I'm with them I am, but when it comes to talking to someone that I find attractive, that's a different story. I had a friend of a friend that thought that I didn't like them because I didn't talk to them. So they hooked up with someone else, my shyness got in the way once again. That is why I'm trying the online dating. I'm quiet to start with, but once I get to know a person I get more open and relaxed. Any body else have this problem?
Comment from gtrone
Of course my shyness has been an obstacle in my dating life! Up to the point I have almost no dating life! For me, shyness appears in two scenarios: the first approach to someone I like, and during the first date. What I have done to cope with it is to plan something out. So, if it's a first date, I like to have an activity we both can enjoy, so we can 'melt the ice' between us. But I still need to get that first date.
Yes and I know that woman pick up on that and they are not attracted to their perception of a "weak" man. I am too sensitive and when I feel loss I get even worse. thanks for article. I have been blaming myself a lot lately and its good to have some positive things to think about. thanks again.
Comment from arniejl
Intriguing, I'm the shyest gut I know. Two failed marriages, I was only 34 years old, and I kind off gave up. I did not date for years, I was scared too death to. This last spring I met this gal at work, she hinted around some interest, so I eventually asked her out. It was awesome. The time of my life. She seemingly liked the heck out of me, and me the same. She would say crazy things like "I love you" and "I'm going to marry you someday", and she was saying this like one week into our relationship. I stayed on the defense. My feelings did grow stronger. It made me feel good, worthy, whole when she said these things. I was addicted. I spent every minute possible with her. I was so scared to lose this feeling. I did everything possible to keep her happy. I bent over backwards trying not to lose that. Nearly three months in she says it's not working. Total bomb. I was devastated. I truly thought that this would be the last woman I ever need meet. Now, three weeks later, I am st ill totally ripped up. I hurt. I analyze everything, conversation, sex, time with her kids, time we spent with my son, everything. Where did I go wrong? I ask myself that 100 times an hour. After reading the top of your article, is it that I ran her away because I was always with her? Did I take her crazy talk then turn it on her which in turn pressured her away? Did my ever-presence just wear on her? My fear of losing her may very well be why I lost her. Now I get anxiety whenever I think of her, which is constantly. I don't want this to end. Am I weak, in love, scared to try with someone else only to fail again, or just scared that I may very well spend the rest of my life alone?
Comment from CRS12
Yes. I am quite shy- even though I really don't have a reason why. I have only had 3 serious relationships in my 35 years (6 years, 3 years, and 1 year) the most recent ending about a month ago. I don't understand why, and I wish I had more answers other than "I love you, but I don't have the time for a boyfriend". (Why did it take a year to figure that out?) It's puts a hurting on your self confidence, and your faith in people. This article was very helpful in showing me that I am not alone in the way I feel. Thank you.
Comment from bronco55
I have a problem with meeting women for example when I'm on the train and I see a fine girl on the train I become scared to ask her out. What is the problem and what can I do to fix this?
Comment from Shy good looking guy
Absolutely. I just can't seem to approach women no matter what. All my friends, male and female say, "go ahead what do you have to lose" but I just can't seem to do it. My one female friends says she can't see me being rejected. "Your a good looking guy be more outgoing" then I feel sorry for myself because I am always alone. So, basically if a woman doesn't approach me nothing ever happens.
Comment from Bad starter
Well I'm not really a "nice guy" but when it comes to approaching and even just small talk with girls gets me so nerve racked that I just sit there and look completely dumb. I don't know how to get over my shyness and it's really getting to be a problem for my social life. I would just like to approach a girl and come out of the situation with a smile on my face.
Comment from caroline
This article made me realize a couple of things but, I can't seem to find an answer to my real problem, dating. I'm so shy I can't even ask a guy out on a date or make the first moves. I'm always waiting for the guys to come to me. what can I do about this?
Comment from lovingone
Shyness has always been an obstacle for me to overcome. I'm a 30 year old male and I am shy. My wife and I have recently separated and I find it difficult to move on. I love her and she says she loves me. we just aren't compatible and too much water has passed under the bridge, this to me is easy to admit, but moving on is very difficult. I try to start new relationships with other women but they always turn out to be plutonic. It is easy for me to make friends I just don't have it in me to make any moves or passes. My fear of being hurt keeps me on guard most of the time. I tell myself hey your just going to get hurt again anyway. And if I do get into a sexual relationship there will have to be a lot of trust established in the relationship prior. I'm not a womanizer and I'm not just after sex, I want to be wanted and I need to be needed. I just don't think that I have met the right person. There are a lot of good women out there, I guess I'll just have to sift through the soot to find the gold.
Comment from memark
Yes and it still is. The article sounds like you were writing about me. You didn't mention anything about depression and suicide from these breakups. All in all it was a very good article. Thank You.
Comment from Allan
I find it difficult to approach woman in a club or pub. I feel much more at ease if back packing & in a hostel or hiking sharing public transport with another back packer. The reason you can identify with them ( & they with you ) because you both have a sense of adventure you are not snobs you have a sense of humor & fairly easing going. otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. Downside is usually they come from another country or state. There is a shy jean(true)for people meeting the first time this is quite evident for those concerned. Second meeting much more relaxed but may take several meetings to let my guard drop ..by this time they have lost interests in me. Many shys use alcohol to limit their inhibitions...trouble is it makes me merry ..then horny.
Good stuff. I can be very shy at times so I can relate to this article.
Comment from stephaniem
This article describes me almost completely. I always end up feeling that I wasn't good enough. In the 13 years I have been dating, I've had 11 boyfriends. I have been dumped by 10 of them. I always wondered what if I'd done this or that? What if I hadn't been so 'needy,' as one of the guys told me? After reading this article, I realize that I need to stop blaming myself for the failures and find someone who will like me for ME and not for something I may or may not be.
Comment from manic_poet
In my own. ex-marriage, I experienced the shy rejector, with the misconceptions that I really did not want to hurt her, even after she had mentally hurt me, with her line "I Love you, but I'm not in love with you". The only problem was that it took me almost 6 months after that point to leave, cause I was afraid I would be by myself for the rest of my time. I am or never really been good at holding to a long-term relationship, for the same old reasons, lack of interest, getting stale, the excitement was just gone, but still not willing to move on, unless I knew I had another to keep me going. I was so afraid of being alone, to a point that it really hurt when I thought about it. So, I just stayed in the "going nowhere" relationship, for selfish reasons.
Comment from mistyblue02
Yes, I am very shy and have very little self-confidence. I have talked for days, weeks, and even months to some men and then when I meet them, I never hear from them again. My self-esteem has been lowered even more and I wonder what is wrong with me. I never have received a response telling me why they don't talk to me any more. Then there are ones that do keep in touch after meeting me, but I have no interest in them. Why can't men just be honest and tell me what is wrong with me. I'd rather be hurt then be in question. I would appreciate if you could look at my profile and give me your honest advice of what you think it could be. Thank you.
Comment from A Shy One
I think I am shy and have a different kind of problem than mentioned in your article. What do you do when the person breaking up with you wants to remain friends and leaves the door open for a future relationship? Do you stop seeing her and try to get through grieving or do you stay, be a friend and grieve on a long-term basis?
Comment from foxyval
Most of my life, I'd been so terribly shy that I wouldn't talk to guys: Partly because I was teased often as a child, and also because my grandmother raised me to be quiet..and nice.. and patient. I love my grandma, but I think, in that way, she ruined me. I'm not like that anymore (being 26; I've been this way since a little before I turned 25). And, I tell myself, when I've been rejected, that at least I had the opportunity to flirt. I love to flirt, in fact I do so subconsciously. Well, that's what others tell me: I have a habit of flirting and I don't even know it. Although, I admit, I use another outlet to ignore bad feelings, being an avoidant.
I want to thank you for the most informative, on the mark article I have ever read about this continuing theme in my life!! what a relief!! thank you!!
Comment from papermoon_a
Shyness was certainly a major issue for me for many years, though thankfully not so nowadays. I guess that shyness can be summed up in another word: fear. I remember that the very unpleasant effects of fear would mean that I'd just retreat into my comfort zone, not even attempting to get a date with a woman. And common to all fears, avoidance served to strengthen the fear. I'd pretty much accepted myself as a shy person, and adapted my life accordingly. The shyness stopped being a problem when I lost the excess weight I had and started in a new job where I had no choice but to interact. I could no longer gain refuge in a self-imposed comfort zone, and the fear had to be faced head-on. And sure enough the paralyzing effects of my shyness started to weaken, to the point where I would no longer give myself the 'SHY' label. As a person who was intimately acquainted with paralyzing shyness, I'd advise people to dare to step out of their comfort zone. As Robert Mitchum said in "That Championship Season", it's high tide before you know it. Days become weeks become months become years. The comfort zone is a dangerous place!
Comment from accelr8
I still have tremendous issues with shyness. So much so that it has made me virtually petrified to even approach a woman that I find attractive, and unable to communicate to ones that approach me. As such, I've settled into a pattern of admiration from afar, justifying my inaction to myself by making up perceived flaws with whatever woman I'm looking at, and self-loathing at not being able to take action. I characterize it as stage fright, for lack of a better association. No matter how much I'm told that I'm attractive, personable, etc., it doesn't give me any more confidence. Telling myself that I have nothing to lose does nothing either. I have no idea how to get over this wall, but I do have a clue as to where it originated. My mother was very pragmatic, very critical of me throughout childhood. I was a 'late bloomer', and went from short and fat to tall and lean at age 17. So I had a whole adolescence of rejection by girls, and it probably scarred me on some level. My fear of rejection is so deep-rooted, sometimes I think I might never meet anyone. Not to say that it makes my life miserable. Other than the love aspect, I lead a happy, productive life. But this issue continues to nag, to a greater degree the older I get. I don't know if others are out there like me, but I thought I'd share
Comment from mrsamber
yes my shyness has been an obstacle in my dating I'm gay iv dated a few men in my life but I love women I'm dating a women right now we been dating almost 2 months I really like her a lot I mean I'm like falling in love with her already we have been spending a lot of time in this last 2 months she says I'm to shy and don't talk a lot that's just me though I mean I just like get nervous around her and sometimes I don't know what too say like lock up sometimes I mean we do talk but I just don't talk enough I mean I don't mean to be so nervous around her that's just me I don't want too lose her because of this I care about her a lot can you help me out give me some advice thanks amber
Comment from chattera5
Yes, I've never really been in a relationship that's lasted longer than just a friendship lol; shyness has been the major factor in this and that shyness was brought on by being the "invisible child", or, more like the "too visible" child; I was laughed at and teased growing up, still am actually, even though I'm now 20 and most people have grown more mature about it. shyness has ended relationships before they even began for me, and I've so far been unable to break the spiral. this article will hopefully shed some light onto what I should try to do, thanks.
Comment from mukenyiuk
Yes. I am normally a very assertive person in most areas of my life but whenever I fall for a man I tend to let him walk all over me until I can't take anymore. I become too giving and too understanding and it's as though they sense this and take advantage of the fact. I don't want to end up alone but I seem to repeat the same mistake and I am not a shy person as such. I am now communicating with a man and I am beginning to like him very much but I am hopping to do the write thing this time round.
Comment from zither
This is a terrific article!! Now we need an article "all about rebound". Rebound is something most find hard to handle.
It all sound familiar. I'm not the only shy one. how do you overcome it?
Comment from Debbie
Yes it has always been a obstacle in my dating life. I feel that what you said was good an plain to try some of your advice.
Comment from dragnkit22
This might be a little off subject, but you let me know. I recently got involved with a girl I have known as a friend for a little over a year. The problem is that I Was dating one of her friends of over 4 years. Well me and her friend broke it off after a few months because we where just not right for each other. After the breakup we started hanging out together all the time. After a few months we became Intimate. She would always bring up the fact that us sleeping together bothered her because of her friend. So one night a couple of weeks ago I asked her where this might be going. When I asked her she didn't want to talk about it. We haven't been intimate since, but she still calls regularly. I don't know if I wasn't assertive enough, or if I pushed her away because I mentioned these feeling after a month of intimacy. Sparks fly when we are together we are identical people, and I know she would not have slept with me unless she had strong feelings for me because of her friend . Please help me I don't want to let this go without a fight, or tell me if you think I'm wasting my time.
Comment from Barry
I, at one time was a professional football player in the NFL. You would think one would have a high confidence level with that kind of background, but I was always very shy towards the female persuasion. As such my shyness was perceived as an overgrown ego, which couldn't have been further from the truth. I'm sure I would have had a much better dating experience, I'm my youth, had I been more confident in myself and not had this total fear of rejection with caused others to see me in a way that was so different from the truth.
Comment from Calgaryguy
Holy cow yeah shyness is my biggest problem. I can't talk to any one at all. I'm such a shy person that if a girl says hi to me, I turn around and walk away, even if it would be Paris Hilton that said it to me id turn and run for the hills so to speak. when I read that article it made a few things a little clearer to me. I had a bad relationship a few years ago in high school. I dated this girl from the beginning of the first term and dated her till about 6 months after we graduated. during that time she cheated on me 6 times and I didn't find out about any of it till I came home one day. she was on the computer telling her friend about it all. that's how I found out. you may think she heard me come in but she can't because she was deaf. I learnt how to use sign language so I could talk to her. I loved her so much and when I found out, suicide was one of my options. sounds dumb now thou but it was. I was so heart broken that since then I haven't even attempted to try to talk to anyone since. I came online to try Internet dating because it was my last chance to talk to some one. I'm so afraid of being hurt again. I'm a sensitive guy and its a pain that I can't bare to have again. I'm 21 and I think my dating lives already over and it re ally hasn't even begun yet. when I read the article it made me think a lot about why I was so shy. its helping me a little but I still can't talk to anyone. I've written down all the reasons that I have about my last relationship and there's a lot more good then bad. but the bad was pretty bad. I wrote down all the good things that worked in that relationship. I doubted it very much that I would find someone who could do the things we did when I was with her. about 3 month ago I was on a different dating site called findsomeone.com. I met the most amazing woman. we've been talking everyday since the first day we met on there. she has made my life so much better. I never would of though I could love again. I'm in love with her. but here's the problem with this relationship. she live in another province. I'm not a rich man by any means I make 2500 a month. its just enough to pay the bills and rent. but far from enough to make trips to see here even once. we've been deciding on if we should move to either city. I can't afford to move to her city. its 4000. she could afford to move out here with me but I don't want her to do it because I don't want her to give up everything she has there for me. I'm not worth it in my opinion, and plus if we should some how break up. she would of moved here for nothing. and I couldn't let that happen to such a sweet heart. I've been thinking about calling it quits for that reason but I dunno. I couldn't deal wit h another loss like that. id totally break down and go nuts. its not that I want it to end its just that I couldn't let her give up everything for me. I care to much to see her leave everyone she knows and loves there just for a guy off the net. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. should I end it with her or should I let her make up her mind if its worth leaving everything you cared about for a guy like me? I've got issues on relationships.
Comment from Suzie
I thought the article was really good. Though I do wish it would have touched on the shyness that has to do with getting into a relationship in the first place. For example I have lots of friends and I meet lots of people, but I am not so good at putting myself out there as a single woman. I am unable to make myself approach anyone that I am interested in!?!
Comment from Heartless 01
My problem isn't shyness. My father sometimes would say that I'd never amount to anything, which causes me from time to time to doubt my own self worth. I tell myself that a woman wouldn't go out with me because I'm not quite good enough for her. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why every woman that I have asked out has turned me down. I don't know. All I do know is that every time I've been rejected, my self esteem has gone done lower. Finally, I made a New Year's resolution in 2000 never to ask out any women ever again. I'm still sticking to this resolution. The only way I might change is if I'm ever asked out. But I doubt this is going to happen.
Yeah shyness as put a big dent or hole in my dating life due to a strict father. Now I'm old enough to know why I am the way I am but emotionally beyond recovery. Now I don't feel any emotion. Basically I have to mimic every one ells so I don't get look's. My mind is so active with processing strategies, and consequences of a situation that comes to mind that I'm surprised that I even know how to talk any more. The first thing every one say's about me would be that I'm quiet. The thing is I'm ether thing to much to say any thing or nothing comes to mind. Basically I don't talk unless spoken to. Which brings me back to my dad? Basically I don't go out because I don't know any one and I don't know any one because I don't go out. And when I sister invites me to go to a country club with her friends I decline because I tend to be the party pooper. The bigger the crowed the quieter I get. I don't like a lot of noise and talking. I just don't enjoy things that other people enjoy due to the emotionless. There are only two things in this world that have been able to bring my mind to rest. Wondering aimlessly threw the out doors of Alaska, and driving. I'm just to up tight. Yet don't know how to brake out of the restraints. I've talked to plenty Shrinks that could tell me what is wrong, but never could tell me what I need to do to fix it besides jacking my self up on antidepressants. Depression isn't the problem, its socialization.
Shyness has crippled my dating life. Through God's Amazing Grace, its beginning to turn around. Thanks be to God for his matchless blessings!!!! Good Article
Yes, there were times that I should have said something. Now it's at the opposite extreme and I need to tone myself down.
Comment from bigpoppa80
I get so shy sometime that I can't even talk to women for feel that she might not to talk to me, which had kept me from ever having a g/f and I am 23 years old
Yes, shyness has made my dating life miserable. I would tell any parent out there with a shy child to definitely try to do something about it. I would not wish it on anyone.
Comment from jaguarspirit
For me, I don't think it is that I fear rejection as much as the fact that I like to keep my pride intact. Take it from a shy man who has been rejected by women most of his life. At a certain point, a person just has to live his or her life and forget about being in a relationship. The fact remains that almost all of us have issues and we as humans avoid situations, which may complicate our lives even further. I know that the ratio of being rejected versus being accepted is higher. Therefore, I no longer will put myself in a position that may compromise my integrity. Thus, I keep my self-esteem and pride. I can then use this new found esteem and convert it into positive energy that will allow me to work harder, study better, and live wiser. I am not telling people that they should give up hope in finding a mate. All I am saying is that relationships are like playing the lottery, no one can tell you the right numbers to pick.
In all of my life I have always put myself last- treated myself like dirt. Over the past 4 years there was this girl I'd do anything for. and I have. From money to emotional support. Whenever she needed anything- I was there. Along the way se as always given me signs- Oh you're the love of my life- I bet one day we'll get married. and yet throughout all of this- noting as occurred- I have put her before myself- treated her like a queen- and yet I'm still alone. She as given me signs that their was hope- by saying certain tings- but I know tat there will never be anything else. Se as been everything to me for four years- and yet although I have done everything for her here I am. I am dirt because of the way I treat myself - and the way she treats me.
Comment from Syrup
What dating life??? Girls suck. all of them either say, we're just good friends or I don't like you like that. that all hurts.
Comment from Troubled
Yes. I feel like I never have anything to talk about when I'm on a date. So I become pretty quiet. I've always been raised to not say anything when I have nothing good to say.
Comment from bigman54770
I can't talk to women at all because I am too shy. I just want them to come up to me and initiate conversation.
Comment from terrygeorge
I am in a situation where I met a woman who turned out to be the most beautiful person I have ever met, the only thing is, after we first met she told me that she liked me but wasn't attracted to me, this I took reasonably well because she was such a sweet girl that I felt she was to good for me anyway, it did hurt, but I had accepted her decision and thought that was it. Now 5 weeks later after working away for 4 weeks, we have spent a lot of my week off together in a very sensuous type of relationship, almost boyfriend-girlfriend like, she has also told me that she does not want a girlfriend-boyfriend type of relationship as she like her freedom, this I also have accepted because that is her choice and I respect it and her a lot. When the final cut off is delivered it will hurt like all hell I know, and you may think I am silly for being here and letting myself get in this situation, but I would feel as if I have lost a chance to know and love this woman, so till she says to leave I will be in this situation till then. And love her I do, as she is an amazing woman despite me not being the person she may be looking for to be a big part of her life. I hope things change, but am not banking on it.
Comment from pawo
Yes, Yes, Yes...I have a very difficult time asking someone to go out with me. My fears are first rejection, then fear of not being able to be adequate in the relationship, and finally the fear of the other person not being able to deal with or accept that I have been in prison. to meet me one would not be able to tell. These fears loom pretty large and literally stop me from asking or talking to someone I find attractive. The article was enlightening, but did not have a close enough case for me to really relate my situation to. Although I was able to glean the biggest point for me out of the article...and that is that I am not the only person out in the world having a tough time dating. That in itself is helpful. Now all I have to do is find that someone who feels the same way I do..:) I would actually like it if more people would ask me to go out. I would have less fear in that instance. Thanks for the article. Peace to all.
Comment from Wayne
I too find it extremely difficult to end a relationship, even if it is an emotionally distant one. I feel that I will be the one doing the hurting and I know I wouldn't want to be hurt, so I tend to 'grin and bear' it, much to my own detriment. Thanx for the insight.
Comment from acgbury
Yeah, I went through a really rough break up about 6 months ago, where I didn't feel she felt as much as I did, I was planning on proposing, etc. It turned out I was right, and I am still hung up on her, and she hasn't helped by not telling me what was wrong with the relationship so I can even start to get over it, and we've been broken up for 6 months.
Comment from liverebel
Shyness is an obstacle in my dating life as I have non due to fear of rejection. I am a 23 yr old male living in central TX. I have always been looking for a marriage minded woman and can't seem to find anyone my age wanting the same things from a relationship. Shyness has become so evident that I can't even meet or talk to women. I haven’t been on a date in over 2 years. I have female friends and I am told that I am an attractive guy, but I just can muster the courage to approach a strange woman that I think may be compatible and strike up a conversation. Not to mention I don’t really know a good place to even meet a good woman. Bars seem to be the only place, but I find it hard to believe that my future wife is a "bar fly". I’m just a simple person who likes to have a good time like anyone else. I was in a past relationship for over 6 years that I think has crippled me as to approaching women. I also have a beautiful little girl from that relationship, whom is the c enter of my life and soul. I have custody of my daughter and all I seem to have time for is her. I am not complaining as I believe that just like anything else, parenting is something that one must work at very hard in order to be good at it. I believe in a relationship though that two people that truly love one another much put each other first over their child or their relationship will deteriorate until it is unsalvageable. I just seem to be jaded as to how I look at a woman now. Before I was full of confidence. Now I simply reply to my friends that she is far too good for me and that I don’t want to waste my time. Only recently have I come to the realization that I say that about ALL women. Instead of look for reasons I may like her, I automatically think of reasons why she will not like me. I guess I’m not looking for courage in a bottle, but maybe a different approach or way of thinking. I believe that many men suffer from this type of thinking. Unfortunately I don’t know what to do about it. I seem to have A LOT of female friends and I get along with them great. They call me every week and ask me to participate in activities with them. I guess my experiences are best explained by the old saying, “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride” or so to speak. It really is a sad scenario. I see plenty of guys at the bar talking to women and I can tell exactly what they want, and what they indeed want would only last a night. Yet someone such as myself that is caring, loving, sympathetic, and willing to give his all is left standing in the corner. I suppose that is why I have a lot of female friends. Women love a caring and sympathetic ear to chew on occasionally, but they don’t want that from a relationship aspect or so it would seem. I just want someone to be genuinely interested in me and what I do so that I can do the same for them. Well it appears as though I have gotten off on a tangent that I could probably string on for the next year with all my insight. So as I digress, I say to all who may see this, you are not alone and leave you with a single line that comforts me. "Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great."
Comment from tomcat176
Shyness has been a slight problem, but I'm not a shy person. It's the simple fear of rejection. How am I supposed to know if I impress a girl enough to ask them out. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. If I don't know if a girl likes me or not I will most likely not ask her to go out.
I usually get rejected because I'm shy and Introverted. As such I don't have much dating experience.
Comment from Great Guy
He!* yeah, The toughest part..the initial introduction. Situation: You spot a beautiful woman at the social gathering of your preference. You have no idea her name, if she came with someone, and if so, are they together. You want to introduce yourself, but you feel that any introduction you utter will sound lame and rehearsed. Once this obstacle is overcome, everything else seems to flow. But how do you introduce yourself to a stranger without sounding strange yourself?
Comment from rugenuine
Definitely. Especially after I came out of the closet. I was shy before, but trying to get a date with a woman for the first time was gut-wrenching. It actually still is. My first girlfriend had been out for about ten years. She already had girlfriends, and was "experienced". After a couple months of dating, she had excuses for dumping me. I could tell by the questions she'd ask, she thought I'd "turn" back to men, even though I know I didn't want to..and still don't. I was too shy to communicate with her, express my feelings, and confront her about issues. I now have many friends that accept me for my orientation. I am opening up now, especially since I am finally out, and comfortable with myself. Many people tell me I am beautiful inside and out, and now I really do feel this way, too.
Comment from Purplexforce
This has been my problem my whole life I am a shy person and I fear being rejected so when I see a girl I like I won't talk to her for fear of rejection. This has driven me to dating my same sex to have sex. I noticed I am the same way with guys that I was around women. I've taken more of a liking to men because they are "easier" than women but in my heart I want to date women. I feel that as I get older I am going to end up single for the rest of my life.
Yes it has and still does I hate being alone so I try to cling to something that has been broken off.
Comment from nicole09
I think this article speaks to me, I was married to a man for years (I'm 29 ) and we've been together for 8 years no kids , but just 3 months ago he told me he was having an affair for 1 year with his co- worker who is a friend of mine and that he was leaving me for her ,I felt rejected and lost but 1 week ago a friend set me up on a date with a friend of hers and I felt so shy sitting there with another man an wondering is he like my ex would he cheat well the date ended bad because I kept talking about my ex to him. I don't think he will ever call. but when I read your article I start to see were I went wrong.
Comment from dragonight13
Plain and simple, away's!!!
Comment from imwithyoutoo
Most certainly!! I was shocked, invisible complex, I use to be like that. lol I am not someone who dates a lot. Which is probably a curse of shyness. Talking to people on the Internet has helped but I will admit in person I'm still a smidge shy. :0) I did go out with a gentlemen that was the greatest but just not for me. It didn't help that after one date he felt he was perfect for me and that I was making a big mistake. Which he continued to tell me for weeks in IMs. I picked myself apart with why. Till finally I realized it's okay, I'm in no hurry. I encourage everyone to realize that we each are unique, a miracle. You & I are just as wonderful as the next person! People don't know it because we don't let them. This statement in the article, {And if you consider the "don't do unto others" rule, you wouldn't want to be bound in a relationship that's not working longer than you should be either, would you?} It's true. I deserve the best, so do You and so do others! The best is just that, only the best if it's best for you both. :0) If you see me on the street don't let me look away in shyness, give me a big Hi. You'll shock a smile out of me.
Comment from brickhaus12001
I don't consider myself to be a shy person. I think that shyness is something that has been a learned response to a countless number of rejections that have piled up over the years in my life and have affected every relationship that I have ever had, wanted, or thought about. I was born in an area where cultural diversity was as much a part of life as the air we breath. I was born in California, a place were people as a whole don't worry about acceptance. At the age of 13, I had a life changing event. My family moved to the Midwest as a result of company downsizing. I went from a community of millions of people to a town of less than 5000 people. I am a young black man that was now living in a town of only two black families counting my own. Culture shock was an understatement to say the least. Throughout my life here in the Midwest as far as my dating life, I heard the word no so many times I started to believe that it was my middle name. I am 31 now and I've had various relationships throughout my life but, there have been so many more that I wasn't able to develop because of that nagging fear that stretches back to my high school days of being rejected! It seems that it always seems to manifest itself when I'm around more attractive women or women that find I like more than usual. I usually don't have any problem talking to women in general but, when it comes to being out in the dating scene, I don't feel confident enough about myself to get the results I'm looking for. I've always had the obstacle of overcoming my physical appearance when it comes to meeting women. I am 6'4 and I weigh 380. I've always been a big guy and I've played sports every since I was a kid. Being bigger than most people is something I've always had to deal with most of my life. I was a football player for many years so I've been into lifting weights for quite some time. For my size I am very muscular but, to a lot of women here in the Midwest I am very intimidating because of my size. I don't mean to generalize the opinions of women in the Midwest but, most women I've come across don't typically date men my size! Even women that are healthier than most prefer guys that are much smaller than myself. I live in Nebraska, a place where we have a pretty large following for college football to say the least. A person would think that because of this, people would be somewhat accustomed to seeing larger guys around and be more receptive but instead, its the exact opposite! I lived here for 9+ years now and to this day I can go out to a club and not be noticed or considered as a potential date by an attractive or semi-attractive woman. I don't go out expecting women to come up to me and make the first move but, even when I show some interest it seems like they always find there way to a guy who is not even half my size to hang out with. I know that other parts of the country are different when it comes to what type of men women go for. I have been fortunate enough to travel to different parts of the country and I have had much better luck with women in different places other than here at home. I've always felt that my shyness comes from so much previous negative experience that I don't go into a dating experience with a lot of confidence because good experiences are so far and few between. I train at the gym 6 days a week now with my best friend who could probably go out with just about any girl he wanted just because of the way he's built. I train with the motivation that, if I train my way into better physical shape that it will improve my dating life. The only problem with that is, it's not an overnight fix. It's been very slow and extremely frustrating at times because you never see the results you want fast enough. Sometimes I think about moving away to a larger city and get to a more diverse area with less conservative thinking but, until that day comes I have to find a way to make due while I'm here. Wish me luck and when my physique transformation is complete I let you know if things change!
Comment from New_Guy19
The biggest obstacle shyness brings to my dating life is getting stuck in the "friend zone". I don't want to offend or scare a woman, so I usually end up waiting so long to show my interest that they've already gotten used to me as a reliable friend, and doesn't want to jeopardize that. Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with platonic male/female relationships, in fact most of my closest friends are females, but for the ones that I had wanted to be more with, it's the most frustrating thing in the world. And the few times I have tried to be more aggressive to the advice of my friends, it's always turned out horribly. The only satisfying relationship I've ever had was when the girl approached me about her feelings, but I haven't been lucky enough for that to happen ever again. What should I do? Am I forever doomed to be friends and nothing more? Some one help.
Comment from smoley64
Yes it has, But it was all my fault, at least that is the way I FEEL. I had a pretty great girl in 1983 but I was the one who wasn't ready to settle down, because I was the cheater and the person who wasn't willing to commit to a marriage or much of anything. I was still being a selfish asshole at the time. I probably could name 5 or 6 women I should have married at that time, But I was in to everything for my self only. I have learned I completely screwed up, Now I have Nobody!!!!!!!
Comment from senseiscot
For me shyness has been THE OBSTACLE in my dating life. To shy to make connections with women that I come across or flirted with in bars or other places. I am confident in myself that I feel that I can accomplish anything I set my sites on or at least come close. I am confident in my Karate, in that no matter who I go against, I go all the way and quit for nothing. But, when it comes to women, the shyness has always been like a wall I can't seem to climb over or punch through.
Comment from butchie22
Yes, I am in a relationship that I know is nowhere but she is the only one I feel understands me. I am frightfully afraid of rejection. So I refuse to make the first move on anyone. If I am to be with someone else she will have to make the move. I know I have to get out of my shell but she is my safety net. If I broke up with her I feel I would not find another. She is very attractive and sexy but she isn't right for me. HELP
Comment from alfraido
I am having problems with some things like that its very difficult for me to just out and out say its not working. I am afraid I will be in a relationship for all the wrong reasons though .I am thankful I read your page its been a great help I am going to put it to use when I can thanx again.
Comment from dentpal21
Hi there! because of shyness I have no girlfriend until now. I don't know how to have conversations with women aside from that I'm also a stutter that's add to my shyness. Please help me! what should I do about my shyness and also to my stuttering. Help me.
Comment from nascardriver33
I'm a really great guy with a lot of good qualities that any woman would want, but I'm afraid to go up and talk to women I'm attracted to for some reason. But once I've talked to someone, I'm not shy anymore.
YES, because of it I very seldom date, end up in relationships where we have nothing in common and I find relationships very difficult. I am not happy because in a relationship I do not take care of my own needs.
Comment from ashphoto
Shyness an obstacle, it's the bane of my existence, simply put into a short story, I'm single, always have been single, and looks like I'll always be single. I get no interest off any of the dating sites I have joined, well except for people who are definitely not suitable/compatible or live on the other side of the planet. and those women who I have met, I soon after lose contact, either because the are not interested in me after meeting, or because we appear to have nothing in common.
Comment from nevernv
Regarding the text: "your breakup line can also help to thwart payback, because you minimize the unplanned, which can trigger subsequent self-criticism." When leaving somebody I say it's best to receive all the thoughts of the other person. If this is not done, you tempt your heart to steal another's'. -their is no honor amongst thieves-
Comment from bem34
Yes, I have run across shyness being in my way when it comes to dating. H, my name is Jeff Holbert. I live here in the United States, and have had such problems. I only started dating someone seriously about two years ago, and we dated for about five months-I was 33 at the time. I ended it with bad feelings because she had cheated on me with someone else. Anyways, before we started dating, I worked with her and saw her at work most of the time-but mostly just talking to her at work. Anyways-until someone else had told me, I didn't have any idea at all that she wanted to date me. After I was told by a co-worker that she did like me, I did ask her out and she of course said yes. But I would not have even asked her because the girls I have asked before would say no, so I found it hard to ask again. I don't really know what the problem is-I am not the best and handsome guy in the world, but also not considered ugly.(I have been told that I am attractive or handsome, but d o not let such things go to my head). I consider myself to be very romantic-enjoy candlelight dinners, dancing, movies, planning special evenings for the special girl in my life, etc. I was brought up by a mom and dad, but my dad did not help me with things. He always acted like no one could ever do anything right but him, and being the oldest also affected things too. I still have confidence in things in life-except for going up and talking to a girl I am interested in and would like to know better. I am the quietest of all my family, and sometimes I wonder if I will find happiness. I am not dating or seeing anyone now, but would like too.
Comment from CIERA160
In ways this article is me I did everything to accommodate the relationship and fell in love with this man we lived together for three months straight at his home this last get together yes we have been together several times we would break it off cause it was either his fault or mine its happened 6 times in 9months time I love him so still and his reason for breaking it off this time is he says he had really deep feelings for me and it scared him he has only been divorced for a yr and he found himself falling in love with me and it scared him cause he didn't want me to hurt him like his ex wife did I promised him I would never hurt him that I only wanted to love him and give him what he never had the whole 14yr he was married I knew him prior to us dating he even still admits he cares for me but thinks its best for me if he breaks it off and I go find another I have spent 6 yrs looking for the right man never found him until my love bug and when I realized I wanted him to be the one I opened all my closed doors and told my self he loves you he isn't going to hurt you let him in so I did I let my guard down and did just what I had convinced myself to do let him into my heart and when I did this is what I got pushed aside as if I wasn't even there to begin with what is wrong with this can you help me I'm not eating well I rarely sleep and I have to really try hard not to contact him I have a few times to kind of let him know how I feel about what he has done but I find myself almost pleading to him to take me back I still don't want to lose him I feel as long as we talk I still have a chance just as before I truly miss him and still want him badly yours truly Kim
Comment from laurreta
I had this friend I really liked he also showed a bit of interest but it never went further than that cause I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about it, now I feel I lost a chance there cause maybe it would have worked out if I wasn't shy now its all a matter of maybe for me don't make it be for you cause you never can tell and you would live all your live thinking if only I had.
Comment from M_SHANE
Shyness is an extreme problem for me, even now at age 45. Yes, I have been in relationships and I am even a single parent. But when it comes to meeting someone I am attracted to, forget it - I will probably never meet that person - let alone ask them out on a date. Example - when my last relationship ended (at my decision) two years ago, a bank teller whom I had dealt with for many months ended her relationship about the same time as mine. I was really attracted to this lady, and I longed to ask her out - I longed for over six months and finally after many times of heading to the bank with the desire and intention to ask her out I never did, I finally asked her out - I waited so long, she was already dating someone anew. It has been two years since that encounter and I have yet to ask anyone else out. The pain or even thought of rejection is terrifying to me. I am very friendly and open in most cases - but if their is someone I am attracted to, I can hardly speak a wor d and normally hold my head low. It hurts, and everyone says I just need to get over it, but they don't understand.
Comment from eunice
No, because he is so cute in my whole entire life, so I asked him if he wants to marry me and he said yes darling and asked me to go to the bathroom in the boys one and sex so I suggested yes, so we did and we put our tongues together so much I got some babies and they were cute and we left the restaurant and we went to my room and he saw that I have so much pictures of him so I locked the door to do sex and I got more excited so ,one day we got married and we lived in a big house so we had so much privacy so we took our clothes off and do sex. Bye.
Comment from allen12
yes. I'm very shy at first, so getting started is the hardest part. Once you get to know me or vice versa everything is smooth. Getting the courage 2 walk up to a girl and hold a conversation with out my mind going blank.
Comment from 0000-c
I think it is very helpful for me.
Comment from jnye72
I was just got dumped a few minutes ago and I am not happy about this he made it very clear and fast. I was thinking that I did all the right things, was sweet ,caring, good to him ,but I guess that was not enough . So I thank you for your article it has been a help. And tomorrow is another day.
Comment from Chief13_79
It's been two and a half years since she dumped me, and I still love her and am not over her. This article describes me to a tee. You make very good points on what my outlook should be, and now that I know what to do hopefully I will join the dating world again very soon. I joined this site only to shut my friends up, they all tell me to move on, some even drag me to a bar every once in a while, but I'm not to big on crowds. When I'm in a bar full of people I don't know, I feel more alone than I would if I were at home just listening to music. I find any type of rejection hard to face, I'm even scared to confront someone I'm interested in, in person. This site make that part easy because they can show interest in me back or first before we start emailing each other. I will become a member of this site, just maybe not right away. Thanks for the help.
Comment from Melanie
Most definitely! I've been single for too long because of it. While I have no problem of being looked at, It's my own initiative to make a date happen that is the problem. I am so self critical, I always have a problem in not believing myself of who I deserve to date.
Comment from wulfguard
Shyness is definitely an obstacle in my dating life. For me it begins much earlier as I rarely approach women whom I don't know. It is easier for me to talk with those that I've know through work or friends. For me online dating sites removes this problem as I feel comfortable in contacting others online. I know that my first rejection I took pretty hard where as since then I have discovered on my own how to deal with rejection and am no longer plagued long term 'punishment' that you refer to. I still find it hard to make a list of what worked and what did not work. When it happens suddenly for the most part you don't know why. Shyness also makes it's appearance here as I don't ask the one I was dating why they no longer want to be with me.
Comment from HarvNY51
Here's one I don't think you'll want to print: I was married for 15 years, I should've broke it off 2 weeks before the wedding but didn't. Two years later there was the baby I had to be a father to for at least 10 years. I met someone I thought was the one and after seven years finally got the message. I am now 56, with a disability (no job), a weight problem and diabetes. That's not just shy anymore that's useless.
Comment from FkaShadow
Shy I'm not. ENFJ. But this was a good article. I think that most people get themselves in bad relationships, me included, because of what I call 'Chemistry vs. Compatibility.' And unfortunately they(me) don't learn from their mistakes and therefore repeat them. 'If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got!' This is particularly true in online dating. Most people unfortunately fall in love or become enamored because of chemistry and break it off because of incompatibility. One can become over enamored with pictures and a profile without ever having heard the person speak, smelled the perfume or shared a meal. The rush to judgment, I call it the microwave mentality, creates expectations that can be without a logical foundation and as a person builds on this, they set themselves up for failure. This is particularly true for NF Idealists/Incurable romantics like me, that even though we would like to believe that 'Love Conquers All,' in our heart of hearts we know that it doesn't. I think first a person should sit down with a yellow legal pad and take a good personal inventory. Then list what are REAL deal breakers. IE, religion. kids, distance, smoking, drugs, etc. Then list what's negotiable. Then when cruising or browsing, RO what doesn't meet your criteria. Don't be swayed by the dimpled chin, full breasts, muscular build, etc. You'll save yourself a lot of time and grief. Remember you can only marry one of the candidates. You are interested in quality not quantity, so aim with a rifle, not with a shotgun. And keep a good attitude. Life is what you make it, so you might as well make it great!!
Comment from Ready2Tango
Shyness has been a major obstacle during my dating life. During my teens, I was painfully shy and too naive to realize it. If some girl showed any interest in me, I would turn away embarrassed. I missed out on many potential dates. If only I knew then what I know now...
Comment from lure71
Sorry for writing rather late comment. I was very busy; as for the above question: yes shyness ruined my dating life and left me miserable I'm 33 and very lonely, regretting many lost opportunities..it's just like a disease.
Comment from Oreblonde
What I have found is that when guys get to be in my age group they tend to want a person in the same age group, but have the body of someone 20yrs younger even though they don't have the same kind of body. So I find myself somewhat giving up cause I want someone my age I can retire with and have a fun filled life and not have to worry all the time if I have a few extra pounds that I can't get off. So I tend to shy away from meeting anyone because of those extra pounds. I feel as far as looks go I am young looking for my age and I have a great personality, but extra pounds.
Comment from hornytoadmom
Oh my goodness. Can I ever relate. I am now in such a relationship. I value him as a friend but of course he wants more. I've told him over and over that we are just "friends" and there will never be anything more. He says he is ok with that but keeps doing things that "might change my mine." This has been a 3 yr relationship so far. I date others but continue to see him. He calls me on the phone 10 times a day. I have resorted to caller ID and just don't answer the phone anymore. I suppose I'll have to cut out of this relationship while I still can so we can both move on.
Comment from duke_bb
Yeah I am so shy I can not even go up to a woman. I have never asked a woman out in my life. maybe that is why I have never had a relationship. Everyone says I am good looking. But I just have low self esteem. I think a lot of it has to do with I was picked on a lot in school and bullied. I am trying to overcome this fear but it is hard
Comment from GaHeart1
Shyness has never been a problem, reaching out and leaving myself vulnerable has been the problem. We live and we learn though.
Comment from zepplin76
It has and is a current issue with my dating life. I am able to see that my shyness is not only keeping me single but also keeping me from being happy. Something I greatly dislike.
Men are cowards. I find many of them do not really "break up" they just don't call anymore/After a couple of dates is OK but if you are in a relationship at least be a man and end it properly.
Comment from Confused
I am going through a breakup of a relationship that has been probably the most comfortable I've been with anyone. She has said repeatedly that I posses everything that she is looking for in a mate. She too was in this same comfort zone, or so she says. However, she thinks that this comfort zone is too much too quick. She says it is more than she can handle. The drawbacks to our relationship in her words have been: We became too comfortable with each other too quick. Sometimes that spark just isn't there. My roommate does not like you(this is probably the biggest problem between us). Lastly, I might want to have another child someday(I've had a vasectomy). I know I should just let this relationship go, but I had found someone that I was actually comfortable being around. I know the emotional fireworks die down in a relationship, but they can be re-kindled. They were there for me then, and still are every time she smiles at me. We do run into each other frequently. It often tears at my heart, and she says that from time to time I make her feel uneasy when we do run into each other. Yet, just last week we ran into one another again at a night club, we left, and went to her place together. We've spoken since then, she wants to continue to date, but doesn't want the commitment that we had before.
Comment from twothird
my shyness always causes me to second guess myself. Whenever I think I might be able to get involved in a relationship its like I make myself believe I'm not good enough to be with the girl..and I usually break it off. Its like I torture myself and its for no reason. But its like I can't stop myself from doing it.
Comment from raphaeloo5
shyness in dating is something that happen to us when we just met someone new or your spouse throw you a question that is so astonishing in process there were two to three boys or girls when you are the only one in their meist.j
Comment from soxfan01
Shyness is a big problem with me. I find myself afraid to talk to a girl I want to approach. I never know what to say , and when I do say something , I usually get a bad reaction. So it crushes my confidence so bad that I start blaming my look's , my height, and my personality. I have always been the quiet good kid who never got into trouble. I ended a good relationship because I tried to change myself into something I am not. Now my ex and I are close friends. She is married and all I have done is regret ever breaking up with her. I would not call it shyness , but scared of the same mistakes called flashback , doing a rewind of the 4 relationships I have had , all have been unfaithful so , it leaves you with no confidence , self esteem very low, no trust , think they all give lip service, I no that I should learn by mistake & not b a giver , feel very used & abused & when begin chatted up just feel that only want you 4 sex or bit onside after the 4 ex !!!! Felt your comments are very true but its hard to shut that door & move on have done the 4 & the against still doesn't help. At my age feel I should no better
Comment from in_the_shadows
Shyness has been an obstacle in my dating life. I have had a really bad past relationship, so yes I tend to hit the brakes and run if someone shows interest. I know this is not fair to me or the other person, but it has come a habit I can't break.the more I try the more I do it.
Comment from Dr. Death
shyness has always been a huge obstacle in me meeting women. its not that I am not a sociable person(far from it!),but that my fear of rejection is so high it becomes impossible to make the moves that are necessary. this makes starting and ending relationships quite difficult. this article is great in identifying cause and effect, but ultimately you have to put it into practice, and that's where the problem is.
Comment from lovnman
Yes shyness has plagued me all my life. I am 57 and still suffer from shyness. There is not much difference in appearance of someone who is shy and someone who is conceited, and I paid the price by being called conceited when I was shy. It is hard for me to ask for what I need and want in a relationship. I tend to choose women that are not good for me. Along with my shyness goes being passive putting their needs above my own. What is the answer, I do not know. I am presently working at cutting my cycle time when I am dating the wrong person. If I am with miss wrong, I can't find miss right. I do want to end this cycle and find the woman I can spend the rest of my life with, I just don't know how.
Comment from Zorgnak
Yes! My dating life is completely non-existent because of my shyness. Rarely, by a fluke, I'll stumble into a conversation with a 'potential,' and that will go great! I've found that I'm a relatively charming/entertaining person once I'm given the chance, but therein lies the problem: GETTING THE CHANCE. Of course, I'd have a much more success if I could CREATE the chance instead of GETTING it. So, I suppose that's the real problem. I surely won't use a 'line' that will make me out to be an ass, but how do I break the ice without stumbling over myself delivering a 10-minute speech?
Comment from A sweetnshy lady in Seattle
Shyness has almost crippled me, emotionally. I was one of nine kids, the youngest girl, growing up in the middle of 5 boys. My parents last 10 years together was an absolute nightmare..it was like living in the freezer part of the cold war. We lived way out on the edge of town so I was alone a lot of the time, keeping myself amused. I look back now and remember my childhood as being alone a lot of the time, absorbed in books or taking long walks all around the countryside. At 52 I still have a difficult time with one-on-one relationships although I'm getting much better with age. I've recently fallen in love with a wonderful man who loves me..and all I want is that happy ending..so I'm staying positive and loving and closing the door to my usual behaviours of failure and low self-esteem. Thanks for your article.
Comment from Larry
I am a 49-year-old male. Divorced after 20 + years of marriage. I read your article on Rejector/Rejectee. My problem is one of rejection but of a different fashion. I have a lot of female friends but know one looks at me as someone that they would like to spend time with and develop a relationship. I am not shy or timid, but I do feel I may not have appeal to the opposite sex. I am used a lot by female friends as a confidante, they will tell me their problems and seek my advice. I am always “just a good friend” or “your like a brother”. I am more liberal in my thinking versus others in my age group. I know I have a lot to offer a person if I could only get the chance. It is frustrating at times and my confidence is rattled that all I can ever seem to be is a friend. Do you have any words of advice for me?
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