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Women and "Bad Boys" - What's the Attraction?
Comment from jjo
Confidence, control(self),challenge. Three traits woman look for in a man. Yet most woman don't realize this!! Most men don't even know this!! It's so true! I use to be needy and predictable and just wimpy. So, of course got the lets just be friends line.. Ahhh rejection sucks! Not anymore now though! Nice job with this article!
Oh my....This is such a good article. I am newly single from a relationship with a guy who had the "I don't give a s%$t" attitude. And I met someone who although looked totally different was the exact same. So I had to make myself lose his number.
Comment from margo
This is an awesome article. I'm going to keep it for my daughters for a "just in case, neon sign of avoidance". Officers, I pray I never need it. But then again, maybe them reading it will help a friend in the future. I've always thought that was the case, but it's nice to have it verified in writing.
Toni, I know you may have 20 years of relationship coaching, but how about this postulate: women are just strongly attracted to guys who are confident, challenging and in control? For years therapists have been trying to turn we men into wimps. If we give a woman everything she wants, she'll leave us..I ought to know. Women just lose interest if we give them too much consideration. Because she's not thinking about us. She's thinking about the guy she's really attracted to. The bad boy. As much as you try to convince me that a woman wants a great relationship with mister wimp the more i'm convinced that you're only giving bad advice. It's sickening to see a guy henpecked and handing over the remote control. In a every relationship there's a learning curve. It might as well be the woman. Men are better off treating her like she's a bratty sister that he cares about but only so much. That way the woman's not bored and she'll miss us. Which only makes her more interested. If you want to make a woman, the secret is not to give her everything she wants because she'll only end up nagging you about being "too nice". My girlfriend has told me this to my face. Get with it, Toni, women like men who are men.. Warts and all!
That settles it, I'm going to start being a bad boy. Nice guys get dumped by manipulating women. I think it's my turn!
Comment from reclusivextro
I am a male and yet I see myself as it applies here to the female. This in itself is not too puzzling for me but my question is this. Once you are in this type of a relationship, then what? I have found myself in one now and throughout my lifetime but once into it, all I seem capable or gutsy enough to do about it is play it on through until I am left or rejected in one form or another. Btw I am in therapy now to correct this but it does not make it any easier to face ambivalence and be strong enough to walk out myself.
Every single description of that man I recognize. I have used each of those excuses to pass his behavior and 5 years and a child later, you can add dead beat dad to that description. Good luck to those who say they can "change him".
Comment from nicebutbad
being a nice guy at heart, I had to read this, women are attracted to guys who are "bad". When ever I act like a nice guy it gets me no where with women. But if I reverse that role, and play the bad guy women can't get enough of it, its crazy, all women say all I want it is a nice guy, but nice guys really do finish last.
Comment from saucy_357
There is a lot of truth to this article. Blind leading the blind. Wishful thinking. Everyone wants the perfect mate. Now the question is who is right for you? Or are you right for them? We all make bad choices. It just knowing when to walk away.
Comment from honeydoman01
Most women just don't want a pansy or a wimp crying on there shoulder, so it's up to us bad boys to give them a good time, believe me ladies you know what I mean and you know what you want+ that don't mean that all bad boys sleep with every girlie girl he hooks up with because we are very picky she must be neat clean giving caring and enjoying pampering her man go on a motorcycle cruse at a moments notice, even though were bad boys we can be giving and caring and of course real loving to the right gal
Comment from elmyr
Thank you for a superb article. It is so well written that, in just a few minutes, i've got the 'insight' of what's been the cause of all my wrecked marriages or relation-ships! Something which many counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists haven't been able to make me see in hundreds of hours of therapy! Thanks once more. I was a caregiver to my family for a long time and have chosen the abusive relationships because of it, 2 broken down marriages. I am starting to look at myself and know that I am a good person and I am worth more. This article was very reassuring to me and making me understanding that there are some changes that I will be making for my self-worth. Yea its simple, women don't want a wimp for a boyfriend
Comment from polluxia
This was an interesting and thought-provoking article. I have always been attracted to the "curly-haired bad boys" and cannot seem to break out of this cycle. I've always considered myself to have high self esteem, but after reading this article, I feel I need to take a closer look at what my values are.
Comment from heather1982
Wow. That is so true. The whole story is so my life right there. I can't seem to get it right lately, well never actually. I know that all this is true about myself. But it seems that I fall into the trap, I think I've met the right guy that does all the right stuff, then a week later it ends up he's another one of the "bad boys" I'm used to dating. Right now I am seeing someone who is what you would call a "bad boy" but its like I don't want to leave, I know he flirts with other girls in front of me, the 4am booty calls, the no calls for days on end. But I can't seem to get out of it because I know that in a way I like it, I like the attention I get when I get it and I like the unpredictability of my life being with him. Anyways that's my bit on the whole "bad boy" dating.
Comment from toonmaster
I understand the fact that some women are turned off by men who behave as if they are desperate, I mean, it's downright pathetic, but what baffles me is they would be attracted to these self-centered losers who do nothing more than treat them like dirt. They gotta be pretty damn stupid.
Comment from amphibianarmy
I care about people. I invest time and emotion into people. I am forgiving and i'm not afraid to say "i love you" to anyone--though the extent of its meaning obviously varies among people. I am naturally a nice guy although I know when and where to push certain buttons whether it be a playful tease, a sarcastic remark, or a noticeable momentary increase in emotional distance, mind you, these "techniques" as a whole are usually used to extract a particular positive response in a flirtation situation. It's all in good fun with no intentional malice =] I attract a lot of girls. Despite that fact, it seems like 4 out of 5 tend to brush me off after a few weeks or so. Regardless of these girls' intent or eventual diversial of attraction elsewhere, I will not stop treating them or you the way I do. I roll with the times, I don't conform and I am who I am. I am a nice guy and i'm available to those with substance, passion, a sense of self, humour, experimentation and fun!!!
Comment from speedwizrd
I believe it... Keep up the good work. And another source.
Comment from lainegelfood
Everything in this article rings true, except that the attraction factor goes way beyond what's being described here. As a former bad-boy magnet, I think I qualify as experienced in this particular phenomenon. Here are the things that i've come to realize and have seen in my friends who also go for the "bad-boy" types. We all have some things in common. Most of us come from dysfunctional families and were left feeling "different" from the experience, whatever the cause, alcoholism, divorce, whatever. You can say this all goes back to self esteem, and to a degree it does, but it goes beyond that. We model ourselves after the role models we knew as children- our parents and family. If they were dysfunctional, what you learn is that the dysfunctional behavior that seemed "normal" to you, isn't for the rest of the world. You might very much want to break out of that mold, but you can't find a mate who understands what you're going through- unless they too have had a sordid backround. Enter the bad-boy. He usually is a nonconformist (often from a dysfunctional family also) type, artist, poet, biker or just a tad different(the key word being "different" here) from the rest. And we feel like we've finally met someone who'll understand us. The second thing is that most true "bad-boy" are very good at what they do and good at making it seem like they are the perpetual victim in all situations. In the beginning, you feel sorry for them and if you have any nurturing instinct, you want to right the wrongs they've been through and be "the one" who made the difference. Now we come to the true crux of the problem. These things combined, and the fact that most "bad-boy" have a high sex appeal to begin with( looks, style, a sense of what's hip etc), they know how to make you feel like you're the most special person in the world. They can focus on you completely and tune out the rest of the world, and make you feel it too. This is not the same as making a needy per son feel loved. This happens mostly in the beginning of the relationship. They're more openly romantic than most other men, more dramatic about it, more charming, the sex is so much more passionate. You feel so wanted I've seen the most attractive, straight laced and intelligent women swoon over these guys as well. The only real difference (and it's a biggie) is that they know when to cut and run. I didn't. I married one. In the beginning everything was too good to be true. And that says it all. It was. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change, and these guys don't, for all of their tales of woe. The bad, selfish and cad-type treatment only starts after he's sure he's got you and you're hooked. (Which is why he'll hit on your friends. They are a threat to be dealt with and you won't heed their advice if they've been "taken in" also. And let's face it, most women like being envied) why these guys are the way they are could fill a book. Society glorifies it, makes it seem "studly", women respond to it, and it works for them and the list goes on and on. Sometimes they genuinely don't see it in themselves, they're too self-centered to. All I can say is, to overcome it, you really have to just be lucky enough to find one good person who'll treat you like gold, outspoil the romantic behavior the bad-boy seemed to lavish on you, and is willing to stick by you when the chips are down- something most bad-boy are too selfish to pull off. And, you have to want to break out of that mold, be willing to see past the "hype" and charisma bad-boy seem to generate, .Realize that the things that make a healthy relationship last are sorely lacking with most bad-boy, and can't be added later on, like a packet of sugar to your coffee..Ii's missing in these guys-they aren't hot wired that way..If you must give in to these fatal attractions, remember that what may be great in the short run doesn't always make good for the long run. Learn what I finally did, don't take them seriously!!!!
It was wonderful. It game at the best time ever. I was wondering why I was attracting so many unavailable men emotionally and otherwise..Thanks for the article. When your in a pattern you just don't see it.
Comment from al4u
Most of the reasons given for a woman's attraction to so-called "bad boys" strike me as a cop-out! The attraction lies in the excitement and need to exert the "wild side" of their personalities with no thought to the consequences that inevitably result from such a fling. These irresponsible baby boys haven't yet grown up, and are clueless as to what real life is all about. The true challenge for a real woman should be to see if she can attract an honest, faithful man of integrity and responsible values instead of taking the easy road with a low-life! So unfortunate that women regrettably choose this path instead! And we wonder why the divorce and illegitimate birth rate is through the roof??
Comment from blondie25_a
Like this article I feel you have just described me, I have always fallen for the so called bad boy. Now I have a lot of thinking to do to find out what I truly want. Thank you
Comment from kathycooks2003
Yes, and above all they usually kiss extremely well, as they have had lots of practice.
Comment from cosmicatom
I've had two girls tell me I was "too nice" and that was unattractive to them. I've always wondered what the attraction to the "bad boy" image was when all they do treat women badly, hurt them, disrespect them, and use them. I've never seen a happy relationship like that so I was mystified. Then girls end up hating guys and thinking we are all scums. Anyway, thanks for the article. Hopefully it will help girls and women take a good look at what's attractive to them and why so they can make good choices and find the true happiness they deserve.
Comment from rollingzeus
Women today love jerks that slap them around and play with their minds. I am an older man that respects a woman for who she is, no matter what her faults are. Us men also have our faults, but women take them to personal. I have tried different dating services besides Date.com and did not have that much success, so in the long haul being friends with someone after being enemies is working to my advantage. I will be leaving the dating scene, so all the women out there that passed me by are missing out on a chance to be treated like a lady.
I'm a nice guy who always gets rejected and I'm convinced after 2 years of being single that there are no women who truly want a "nice guy".
It's brilliant and very true!!!
Comment from embelakpo
Well life is the opinion and the believe of and individual to some its just foolish for a girl to like such guys while most enjoy them yes cause they have found something new and some need love which they have not known since they were born and when they see this love they die for it and learn how to take care of love that is why girls fall into this shoes thank you.
Great article.
Comment from kamilrose007
I have a boyfriend who is like the bad guys mentioned here. He will not apologize for anything even if he is wrong. When we went to prom together my ex-friend got queen. He looked at me and said "I hit that" meaning that he had slept with my ex-best friend. Which he had slept with her but I didn't need reminding. He doesn't care that it was my senior prom and that I was trying to have a good time. He is also an abusive person. I had to go the night before prom and buy a new prom dress. The one I had fit tightly on my ribs and I couldn't wear it anymore because he had dislocated my rib. To top it all off. If he thinks that I am looking at another guy he will push on my rib until I whimper. Even though he does all these things I'm still with him and will continue to be with him. I'm afraid that if I leave him he will kill me which he has said he would. So some girls may at first choose bad ass boyfriends because their cool but then we end up keeping them because we are too afraid to cross them.
Comment from ak
Very intriguing subject. It's just insane how some women think this way. I guess it keeps the battered women shelters in business.
Comment from lets_have_fun
most woman that socialize with "bad boys" in some fashion or another have a underlying low self esteem, woman fail to realize that a lot of men get involved with difunctional or "bad woman" because they have less sexual taboos, so I guess what I am saying that it's human nature to want some spice in there life unfortunately when you deal with people like that you get more than you bargain for.
Comment from dave613
I'm really pleased that you have sent this informative opinion about a subject that i've been wondering about for years. I actually think that I can understand that some women just naturally fall into this pattern without even realizing that it's happening to them, or regardless of the end result. I now can also see that my, or any mans kindness can come across as weak, desperate, or even boring. I've even been asked if i'm gay. Just because i'm so nice!! I think i'll try to use this information to my advantage in my own behavior towards someone that i'm interested in. Again, thank you! Keep up the good work.
I don't agree. I believe a 'bad boy' is a challenge to any woman and that's the attraction. Just like men are the hunters woman like to seduce a difficult prey. That's my opinion.
Comment from osaris2
Toni Coleman maybe should read some of the material by David DeAngelo on attraction!
Comment from ladyb
I guest my interest in guys like that is me thinking if they can handle a girl like me. Someone who can connect with my personality. That's why I like bad boys.
Comment from j alonso
I am an educated, attractive and by most people's standards, a successful woman. I have been dating a "bad boy" for over 2 years. He has disrespected me in private and in public, he has hit me two times (although in all fairness, we had a physically volatile relationship on both sides), and he has cheated on me several times (and i, in retaliation, cheated on him). I broke up with him over 2 months ago (for cheating), only to call him one day and take him back for a week and a half and find out that he is still shagging the girl he was cheating on me with 2 and a half months ago (after telling me that he had completely broken it off). After only about two weeks, I feel like I now have an emotional attachment to him again and feel like i'm back in the same trap. I am actually thinking of giving him an ultimatum - between me and the girl. Of course, my mind says "what the hell is wrong with you?" But he does a lot for me. I just bought a house and in only one week, he di d more for me than I could do alone in a year. I don't know how to break away from him. We are both the same, when he feels me slipping away, he pulls me back. And vice versa. It's like a sickness. I do agree with the assessment, by the way, on your website that allowing men to treat you badly has a lot to do with self-esteem. Despite all the things I know I have going for me, I constantly feel fat and ugly (and now, getting old) and sometimes that I will always be alone if I don't stay with him. Pretty sad, huh?
Oh my god that's exactly the way I feel, there is no lie in it. It's really amazing to hear what exactly how I feel. Thank you
Women are just sick and when their life sucks, they can blame it on the man who mistreated them. So, what else is new?
Comment from borderbro
I think this article is a bit radical. I mean its true but ridiculous. I used to be in trouble 24/7 and the girls loved me but, now that I have straitened up my act it is way to hard to find a girl that likes me even on the dating services. I don't get it!
What a crock.
Comment from carebear123kc
This is a good article, because I am one of those woman that have chosen one of those "bad boys" twice in my life. The first one I lived with did nothing but cause me trouble, and he was very abusive, and it went on for too long, and I ended up having a child with this person, but the good thing is that I don't have anything to do with him, and my first child has nothing to do with him either. The second one I was with, I almost married, and also had a child with this person, he has hurt me just as bad, by cheating on me, leaving me multiple times with different woman, destroying my property, while I worked really hard at my job everyday he expected me to support him and my kids, plus give him money so he could do his own thing. He has left for the final time with his girlfriend, which she is now expecting his baby, he is still bugging me all of the time for me to drop our daughter off at his place where he and his girlfriend live, but I refuse to do so, and I am finally doing g the right thing, and taking him to court for full custody of my daughter, and asking for child support. He doesn't like it but its about time that I put him in his place. So if your are one of those girls that are dating one of these men, please get out before it is too late, or you will be dealing with it for the rest of your life.
Comment from just1yes
Dead on, with one exception. "Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between on these issues". False in southern California. In So. Cal, most women are the extremes.
Right from my school days, I've observed the this funny as it is. The attraction can not be ignored. All the same I think you have dealt with the issue somehow. The problem is that every bad guys thinks he knows what he is doing and thinks no evil of his doing. You could be the bad person for passing the wrong judgment.
Comment from clsmitten
Good article. I could relate, as this has happened to me. However, I do know what I am looking for and what I want. I am usually a good judge of character, but these types of men fool easily!
Comment from uspmojo
Do these same values apply vice-versa? I'm a 23 year old guy who continually finds myself attracted what most would consider a 'bad girl'. I am a very chivalrous, caring, outgoing, nice guy which (one girl in particular) continues to treat me like shit, but I continue to take it, and find myself attracted to her very much even though she isn't what I would 'ideally' or normally date, let alone to keep putting up with what she does, and come back for more. The more I try to be nice or romantic, the worse she treats me. If I ignore her, or date other people, she almost seems to get jealous (though she won't admit it) and the better the relationship is. Do you feel she is just looking for the 'bad boy' or am I the one looking for the 'bad girl?'
Comment from ifnotnowwho
I teach interpersonal communication at a community college and what toni has to say is validated by the text that I use. Every semester I am astounded by the number of females who are in "no win" relationships with guys who treat them very poorly. And low self-esteem, low self-acceptance is a major part of the equation. Over the years I have had the occasion to ask some of them why they stay. After a few minutes of my probing questions the answer usually is, "i don't think anyone else will want me", or "i am afraid of being alone." However, in defense of these females, low self-esteem in women may be more of a biological/hormonal factor than a cultural/socialization factor. An excellent book on the differences between male and females (which has a chapter that discusses this) is brain sex by Anne Moir, ph.D. It seems that testosterone and estrogen levels play a major role in self-image. Finally, some of the aids that I suggest for females with low-self esteem issues a re sometimes counseling, and at other times books. Excellent books are: are you the one for me - Barbara Deangelis [there is a chapter in it that clearly explains and provides an activity to determine how our childhood family of origin affects our choices of partners in adulthood. Another excellent book is emotional abuse (i don't have the author available right now). The last book I would suggest is: how do I love me? Lots of exercises and prescriptions for identifying negative self-talk and behaviour and ways to improve one's self-esteem.
Comment from ncrubyredlips
i had been in a relationship like this just once in my life, & learned from it. "Experience come from mistakes". Einstein. I truly live by this, & it works out great!
Comment from pune
Moreover, females are scared of good guys on subtle level. It is their insecurity that if she is not good then he might leave her for someone else and since he is "good" he is capable of doing that. But. With bad guys, females free secured. Because somewhere they know the bad boys are no good...
Comment from katie347
It sounds just like me I always choose the wrong man thinking I can change him. Plus I have low self esteem and always think I'm not good enough for anyone, so I pick the bad boys that drink and treat me like dirt. They tell me how bad I am ,but I'm faithful to them, treat them like a king. I can't understand what's wrong with me.
Comment from musicalphantom
As a "nice guy" I have to say that it's more than frustrating, when I see female friend after female friend get hurt by jerks, and then say that they need a "nice guy".. Only to follow that up with "but you are too nice" when I suggest that she should go out with me. So where is the line between nice, and "too nice"?
Great article as I know someone like this. I can only say that they definitely walk to the tune of a different drummer!
Oh how true this is. I find myself in this list. If intimacy is difficult, she will choose someone who is distant, hard to connect with and not emotionally and/or physically available. That's exactly what I have at this time and I am totally stressed out and confused. He makes me feel worthless.
Comment from screenwriter6
I have an M.A. In sociology and have worked in clinical setting, before becoming a writer. I find women who go for the "bad boys" also have a bit of a wild streak themselves, and feel "comfortable" with this type of guy, for various reasons. It could be peer pressure or simply a sexual or physical attraction or a need to "tame and refine" this cool bad boy image. Sometimes it works, sometimes it certainly backfires, and the woman, who may have good intentions gets caught up in a shadowy mist of law breaking and illegal activity and drug and substance abuse. I would advise anyone who really seriously wants a good, solid and long-lasting relationship should probably stay away from the "bad guys".. We don't call them "bad boys" for nothing. Many of then end up in prison! Be careful what you wish for. You just may get it.
Comment from ndlsumr
For the longest time, women would say I was a "nice guy". I cringe when I hear that now - it's the kiss of death ("you'll never get past 'friend' with me"). So I am now trying my best to be "more attractive" to women by being less "nice": her - do these jeans make my butt look big? Me - sweetie, your butt is big. Her - you forgot my birthday! Me - you'd be mad at me if it reminded you are getting older, sweetie. Not trying to be a jerk, just trying to get a woman's attention, and it's worked pretty well for most of my friends. Many of the "nice guys" I know either can not get dates, lose them to women who have severe cases of "loser worship" (prevalent in my area), or are with someone who takes advantage of and disrespect them. Sad but true.
Comment from advisor
Being the "nice guy" means I have suffered at the hands of "bad boys". I guess it comes down to what women want and set out for. If it's dignity and respect it may be harder to get than someone's attention.
Comment from christy
You're right no one knows why we fall for them. And we will probably never know.
Comment from harry 19
I totally agree with you. It is poor judgment from the ladies side to dream to be with a "bad guy". These are the ones who end up with abusive partners, and probably, domestic violence-related problems. Seeking an instant gratification, or adventure may get you some short lived thrill, but what do you get on the long run?
Comment from blewgrass
I don't go out looking for these kinds of men, they seem to be drawn toward me. I don't know in the beginning that they are bad. They lie about their life situation and eventually I find out later. What do you do? Have them take a lie detector text?
Comment from kyred56
I definitely agree with this article. Women don't intentionally search out these types of men but it happens on a subconscious level and has a lot to do with their relationships growing up and low self esteem. Once a woman finds within herself that she is worthy, valued, and a jewel she is more empowered to make healthier judgment calls. Thank you for informing your customers how to look for a stable, healthy relationship and it starts with her perception and belief system and even learning to change herself. I am an advocate/educator in domestic violence. I see broken hearts, dreams, mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional detriments from the result of a woman wanting to be loved but having settled for much less. When she begins to understand her purpose here in life is not to be a people pleaser, care taker above her own well being then and only then can she with the strength of god, positive support systems, and learning to take care of herself will she rise above. It is such a blessing to see these once hurting women empowered and learning to live life to the fullest of their abilities. Once again thank you for your article.
Comment from jadaboo82
Hey what's up? For some reason I like bad boys knowing that's not right for me. I seem to like the ones who like to do drugs and drink all the time and that's not me. But like I said I always seem to get in that kind of relationship. I like the bad boys or as some call them "thugs".
Comment from jodie_36
Be strong and you will prevail!!! The bad boy is hard to resist, but if the signs of a struggle are there, please love yourself enough to leave. Listen to your intuition. If it says no, please go. A good relationship should flow. You still will have to work things out together. But you will do it together!!!
It a nice one and easily understandable but I will like to ask how one can be bad boy and treat women as such
Comment from shanfan14
So-called "bad boys" exude mystery or charm: that's the fantasy. The reality is that the majority are selfish, immature, thoughtless and irresponsible, which adds up to annoying, exasperating, and a waste of time. I appreciate dynamic, exciting, adventurous people, but those qualities are not the sole province of the antihero, the rebel without a cause. I think "bad boy," I think "loser."
Comment from daisyj6
Excellent article & perfect timing!! I have been stuck on the guy who charmed me made promises, but has been m.i.a. for many, many months. I say next... He has been cold & distant for so long that I don't which end is up. Thanks for the great advice.
Comment from stumpkat
Nice guys finish last. It's true and terrible. I've been a "nice guy" since I was 15. I was never the kind of guy in high school or college that the girls wanted to date simply to have wild sex with. I was the "marrying man" who they could take home to show mommy and daddy. I was the guy who always got the line, "but we're too good of friends." What does that mean? It's a cop out if you ask me. Women will do anything they can to avoid the guilt of rejecting someone else. It's ridiculous to assume that just because a guy is a "nice guy" that he isn't also everything else that the "bad boys" are. Just because I respect women and know how to treat them doesn't make me less assure of myself or predictable. Just my two cents.
Comment from dadwith4
Just one of the nice guys that is usually the one that my female friends come to after the bad one tosses her aside ,or she figures out on her own that he is a bad guy. So my question is why always the bad guy and the nice guy gets the " oh but your too good a friend".
Comment from elainac
I have a success story with a "bad boy." Don't get me wrong, we had our go-rounds in the beginning. He was out all hours of the night. He was receiving mysterious, "other girl" phone calls, and could not keep a promise. Believe it or not, after hanging in there for a couple of months, I've just about tamed him. He's wonderful. He does things for me, rubs my feet and back when I've had a bad day, gives me cards, along with his never ending attention. I would tell any girl working hard to be with a "bad boy," to just stay focused on his good qualities and hang in there, (if you think he's worth it). Michael and I are extremely happy. Also, I've gotten used to his seven tattoos, he lost the earrings, and I found out that his favorite movie is "how to lose a guy in ten days." Good luck!
It is not always like that the bad guy I mess with doesn't treat me wrong and doesn't do that type of shit to me anyway but like the only thing he ever did was put his friends before me like twice and that was it
I though that was an excellent way of put this article together. You just pointed it out why I have been single for the past couple of years. Or at least gave me the bigger picture. I was on a right track that this article help tremendously. Thanks
Comment from talisman778
I know a lot of women who might benefit from reading this article, though the choice is theirs if they wish to apply what is spoken about--or not. We draw to us what we are living in our thoughts. Like attracts like, no matter how you look at it. If you are feeling like a worthless piece of crap, then often you will attract someone who will give you the permission through your choice, to feel like that worthless piece of crap you think you are. Peace and blessing.
Comment from debc
This article is very accurate. I am one of the women who has been attracted to bad boys.
Comment from guynamederic
Just wanted to say that it is not just a women that this happens to. I'm a gay male and also find myself in relationships like this and in one right now. I read this and couldn't believe that there was me on the screen. So I'm going to take the advice and see what happens
Comment from 22 may 2004
I think what she said made so much sense ,and I think it relates to a lot of we women out there, we need more like this to help us to get our act together. Amanda the Bronx
Comment from kallikat0813
Wow! This is so true. I've been married twice, and both times I was the one doing everything. Since my divorce two years ago, I just can't seem to break old habits. I've dated only two men and both were "bad boys" who had absolutely nothing to offer. I do have good self-esteem; I just am so used to being the caregiver, that I honestly don't know how not to be. I truly do want to find someone who can take care of me instead of the other way around. Just don't know how to find him. Am taking time now to re-examine myself and explore the possibilities. Wish me luck!
From a man's point of view, I think your article is very good. Another suggestion is to read "how to know if someone is worth pursuing in two dates or less" by Neil Clark warren. He writes about a person getting to know their self before looking for someone.
Comment from omeed2
I find your article to be true. I dated a woman once that said I was too nice and she couldn't deal with it. Needed someone who would treat her badly. To this day the same problem exists. I will mistreat a woman. I respect them, and perhaps that is my downfall. I am a very exciting person, love to have a great time and keep things interesting, but seems that when a man treats a woman badly she hangs on for dear life, when he treats her with respect and dignity, she gets bored and looks for the bad guy. Then when that happens, the women say that all men are bad, but what she is really saying is that all the men she goes out with are bad. All that can I say is that I wish them luck. I know there is woman out there that will appreciate who I am and how I will treat her. I must have patience. There is so much I could say on this subject because of the women I have dated, but, I will leave at that.
Comment from lonelyman_y
I'm a nice guy. And this article is right on. Because I'm always finishing last. The statement "nice guys finish last" is the truth. I have friends who treat women like dirt, and they get all they want. But I have to do what I know in my heart is the right thing to do. Unfortunately, nice guys really do finish last. I just can't become something else. I don't want to hear another woman complaining about her man. She deserves it. Yes/no?
So true, so true. I fit the mold perfectly. Truth be told, I don't feel the need to change.
Comment from pgmom2000
This is a great article it really hits home. I'm a 42yr old single mother of four children i've always had a problem picking the losers or bad boy type of ?Man?. And this was the reason Toni hit the nail on the head in this story. Know what I need is to know how to correct all the wrong decisions that I have made. So my children won't have to suffer through anymore loses.
Comment from nikkifool18
These characteristics describe my friend perfectly. She continually says that it's all over. Until the next time, but she is my friend and I will still be there when needed. I fall under the title of sharing time with a gal that has my interest and if anyone can offer help, i'll be there. Probably nothing romantic will occur between us but we are friends in the purest form of the emotions.
So true. Therapy is good as well. Thanks!
Comment from flower2000
Wow! A lot of this is very true. Sometimes we don't get the cards we were handed as kids. I am an extrovert. I love people and I can be a caregiver as well as a lover. I don't entertain games in a "rich" relationship. I want a life long relationship like my parents have and they are going on their 41st anniversary this year. I've seen the ups and downs and I've experienced them too. There are nice guys out there. Maybe you're one of them.
Good article. I am a 47 year-old single parent. I related to the "caregiver", doing "most of the giving"...Yuck!!! Through a lot of work, I'm at a place where I try to monitor these things. It takes a lot of discipline, but after a long, long, long, while of repeating the "comfortable scene"..I'm finally learning. Thank you for such a good article. It gives me encouragement to keep on and continue being healthy. (Well, as healthy as I can be. Ha!Ha!)
Comment from troublebutsweet
what about the women who like the bad boy look, but don't really want a bad boy in their life? Do these women also fall into your category of suffering from low self esteem? There are a lot of men out there that want to look "cool" or "tough" , when in reality they are big teddy bears, that know how to treat a woman properly, with love and respect. I think you are giving the "bad boys" a bad rep.
Comment from challenged blonde
i definitely fall into this category. While I appear so put together in the work place and can make the best decisions about work issues as well as a great judgment of character of individuals (mostly men), when it comes to my personal life I stink! I can see where I have self esteem issues and that I am also the "rescuer" or "fixer" and feel that I can fix or help anyone - especially those bad boys. Intellectually I know how bad these types of boys are for me, but in my heart I still think I will miraculously change them and that love will prevail. I never thought of myself as a romantic, but perhaps I am or just plain stupid! The men that treat me like a queen, I am not physically attracted to, but the ones that treat me like garbage, bingo – it’s almost as they I need that challenge – to see if I can turn them around.
Comment from comfort2day
I like bad boys because it is the perfect solution to the in between relationships. There are normally no strings attached with bad boys! That is why they are great.
For once, an article that does not glamorize the "bad boy" and puts the responsibility back on the woman who consistently choose the "bad boys. I was once a co-dependent who consistently choose the "bad boy", then would end up depleted and hurt. Thank god, I was able break the pattern. I always just of these guys as "diamonds in the rough" and it was up to me to reach them and change them - nobody but me could do that. That was my way of thinking I was important and needed. Now I know the difference between being needed and wanted. I choose to be wanted.
Comment from emily stacy
This fits me to a tee, I was married 17 years to a good man and was hurt so bad from the break-up that after that I started to choose "bad boys" cause of fear of intimacy and it has been nothing but heartache.
When I see statements like these I always wonder who it is that likes bad boys and what's wrong with her if she does?
Males can fall into the same trap.
Comment from nikki free at last
Stumbled upon this article. I just divorced my bad boy after 21 yrs. of marriage. When we met it was at a low time in my life and yes, he was all those things you stated. Trouble is they do not change. They get older and the girls get younger. A wife is a good thing when they want one. It is a road of destruction for those who can not pull them self up and take charge of knowing they are worth far more than the bad boy thinks you could ever be.
Comment from junjay73
I believe a women is drawn to a bad boy image because of this one thing called (challenge) the belief that I can mold this person in to the person I want him to be, meanwhile lets play the game of letting him feel in control...
This is a very nice article. I am a bad boy magnet. I have learned from this article that I need to feel good about myself and be giving myself good self talk at the time that I hook up with a new man. At that point I will hopefully attract an able partner. Able to offer me something and not just take my support, help, etc.
Comment from br4383
I know a lot of women who say they want a nice man, but always get mixed up with the "bad boys". I think that those women are just not looking in the right places. I also think that a lot of women date them because "they are dangerous", not to brag but how many of them so called bad boys could or would jump a dirt bike 60 to 70 feet. I do that every race. I am not a "bad boy", but I wouldn't say that I am boring. I don't like going clubbing or to bars, but I know how to treat a woman. Once a woman goes out with a bad boy and ends up getting hurt and then takes it out on guys like me. I will agree with women when they say some men are dogs, but not all men are like that.
Comment from middle grounds
in the article women and bad boys what's the connection, well I am not a good boy that is for sure but I am not a good boy either. However, looks like the personality off the opposite of attraction seems to come out with the wrong traits with the wrong girls. Looks like I need to find a middle boundary here somewhere. My last relationship lasted about 9 months but it never really was. She was out of a bad relationship so I figured she needed a nice understanding guy; boy was I wrong. I should have just been my self in the middle of good boy and bad boy "rebel". I wish her the best of luck in life but you know and I know she is going to go back to a abusive relationship and I can't do nothing about it. Some people never learn, well I learned from her. Just be yourself whether its the good boy, bad boy or the rebel in between.
I agree with the reasons as to why "good girls" are attracted to "bad boys", at least I could identify with about half of them. Thanks for the insight.
Comment from hiphopbabe
This article is so real. We love bad boys, even though we know they'll end up making us cry someday. & it never fails!
Good article.
Comment from kdrock
i am so glad that I found this article today. I have been involved in a "bad boy" relationship for about a month now. It has over-run my life lately. I know it's bad, but yet I still want him around. His wife just filed for divorce, and I am the one he runs to. I want out of this, but I also like the thrill of it. I really agree with the self esteem issues as well.
Comment from missjudy
this hits it right on the head. Refers to the robin Norwood book "women who love too much". Seems that no amount of therapy changes the behavior but recognizing it when it's in progress we can choose to stop and reverse the action thereby minimizing the negative consequences.
Comment from weraeli
it is quite true that most women are attracted to the bad boys if I dare say all of the women spices are attracted to such category of men! Its only that some women have the strength to resist them and care more about the public opinion than what they feel inside, some don't, that is the only difference because hey what is there not to like the boldness of these men and the confidence is amazing and you should note that these characters applies both inside and outside the b room! So most of them knows what their women want they don't need to be told and sure as hell don't need to be taught anything n you would b surprised 4 most of them can be very soft to a woman when it comes to making love to a woman, and they would go to a great length to make a woman special and she can feel it! Unlike the turn collar boys who would think that they are the best catch that you can get and they are a privilege to you! And most of the time would expect you to do most of the giving! And am not talking about money here, they can give you a whole package p/r, finance and status but not that satisfaction deep down inside your inner core of being n all that what this life is really about, apart from all the other things that we try to accommodate ourselves with just to feel the void of what is the most important and essential thing to a human being!,if you don't have that then consider yourself a robot, and most of the bad-boy knows how to achieve that! N there very rare good boys that can do that!
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