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Home > Dating Advice > Ask Brian > Question/Answer > Readers Respond |
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 READERS RESPOND |
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Am I a Lesbian?
Comment from plumgirl3
I am going through the same thing except I haven't been with a woman yet. But I just recently realized that I'm attracted to them, and can't wait until the day when I finally get with one. When I do I will not hide it or be in the closet, I will be proud. My advice to you is to explore this side of you and see where it goes, and if you find that you like women more and both women and men, live life to the fullest and don't let society or anyone else dictate you!
Brian, I think Lost in Iowa will find that the relationship she will find where she needs to be just relax and it will come to her bi or lesbian or straight. Best to you.
I think you are way past this juncture. But the response is so even and sensible and respectful I thought you might find some value in it. Some day you might even know someone who needs it.
Right on, Brian! I am a lesbian and you hit the nail right on the head with your advice. A lesbian has no sexual fantasies about men. 75% of Americans are bisexual and 10% are homosexual. Freedom has to begin at home! Free yourself first, before you wonder what your neighbor is doing in his or her bed!
Comment from jessy10
i would also like to join the same club coz I feel I have the same feeling of having sex with the same sex partner. can I meet one I have tried in this website and nobody seem to realise how much I would like to met one.i understand its fun and am sure you have really enjoyed that one time you did it but accept you are a lesbian by now and face the fact.
Comment from soumyatanu
Dear Lost In Iowa, I have gone through your mail that you have sent and found "Nothing Unnatural". What I think is that since you already had sex thrice with a man so it signifies that you have attraction for opposite sex. Don't worry about your thoughts which is making you think "you are a Lesbian". Its just a thought which is ruing your mind at current state. So, don't worry about that. Satisfaction is very important term in Life, If you feel your sexual urges are satisfied both by guys and gals...it does not mean you are a lesbian. So go ahead and think positive....I am sure you will overcome the problem.Right.
Comment from kalanu
Dear lost there is nothing wrong with experimenting or the way you feel, but be truthful with the person your with. tell him that you have had these thoughts and see what he has to say, if he doesn't freak then continue to tell him about your experience with other women. you may be surprised by his answer if he is like me I think that it is great, I am in a relationship where she is bi-sexual and it is great, she gets what she wants and I get what I want, we both get our cake and icing and love to eat it up. and trust me when I say this it is every mans deep sexual fantasy to have two women at once, only some men would not admit it. your not lost in Iowa you've just found a very special and embracing part of yourself that has been locked away for so many years. don't hesitate to call if you need help. P.S. GOOD LUCK AND HAVE FUN
What I believe your doing is wrong, moreover it is spreading the misconception that this kind of behavior should be deemed "normal" because other people do it. As long as it doesn't offend her boyfriend...come-on...so lets say it doesn't offend that boyfriend. What about the next one...oops you forgot to mention that eh! Bummer...Well here's the bottom line. Yes todays mind-set tends to be more liberated...or does it really. Maybe bolder is a better description...not the same liberated. Kind of like a bank robber who doesn't get caught the first time...surely he is not liberated from the law...but he will be more bolder and more willing to strike a second time. So what to do with these would be bank robbers...if you will!! Hmmm, lets see I'm dating this girl...2-3 months down the road and find out she has had a 3 some...Bye bye is my next move. I wouldn't want her in my life nor mother to my children, I would brand her a misfit and irresponsible socially and maturely. Today it is not the time to dismiss these whimsical flirts with major life changing events. It is a time to impress your younger generation to embrace monogamy and foster normal heterosexual relationships. When will society learn ...remember AIDS is still with us, Herpes, and a hundred other sexually transmitted illnesses. You would think we would have learned by now...but no here you are!!! INCREDIBLE. No my mindset is not old world-it is contemporary and steadfast with the times. I believe in God - Marriage - Life long commitment. You can't stand in the middle of the road on this my friend...but I can't stop you either...no more than we can stop the spread of aids or homosexual marriages. People will want to do it...what the hell we have had bank robbers ever since we invented banks... God help our children growing up in this world...and I do mean that especially for mine.
Comment from renegade
To Lost In Iowa: It's fairly obvious that Brian is a leftover from the women's liberated feminist movement of years gone by that has furthered the decline of monogamous relationships in this country and in part in my opinion is the cause of such a high divorce rate. Furthermore, i'm surprised that Brian thanks "GOD" for Gay Liberation since it was God that put Adam and Eve on this earth,,,,gee, figure that one out,,,,a man and a women....wonder why....???? I don't think "GOD" had anything to do or would approve of Gay Liberation.."just my opinion of course" I'm surprised that you were also told you sound liberated because of the fact that you were involved in a bisexual threesome....It amazes me that some people call lack of restraint or lack of values and morals nowadays..."liberation".... We're taught that when you're in a relationship or married that you're suppose to be faithful and true to the person you're with, that you marry the person you love, have children and a family..seems to me that would be hard to do if you're still trying to figure this one out, Now on a different note, I have been and worked around many women that were or are lesbian or bi-sexual and have come to the conclusion that many times the amount or degree of influence one has on your life and your thoughts depends largely on your values, your beliefs and your commitments..If you work around or associate with women that are bi-sexual or lesbian, I believe your chances of becoming curious are greater. The old saying..'A product of your environment holds true here a lot of times. One last thought, if you believe in the concept of man and women relationships, but are curious about other women because of your surroundings or maybe one women in particular,,maybe you might keep this in the back of your head for future reference. Part of Brian's first sentence included this... ("and any sexual feelings we have that depart from the straight and narrow are wrong") The straight and narrow is there for a reason. Someday if and when you marry a good man, I'd be almost certain that if your husband ever had sexual feelings or desires about another women, you'd hope he'd follow "THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW"
Comment from athar_mushtaq
yes..it is a nice reply by the brilliant lady..and I agree with it that he must try more before deciding that gentleman is lesbian or not.....but don't feel his feelings stupid.
Comment from ultimategab
please I will tell you to leave your life to God, am here all the time to pray for you and care for you as well as to love you.bye
Comment from MadameL
Lesbian sex is only for the body-the physical thrills and mental thrill of the "forbidden". It speaks well of you that you have questions about your desires. Follow these questions to God's truth. He forgives indiscretions immediately. He has made a man for you-the man of your dreams. Sexual pleasure is fleeting. Real love lasts forever.
Comment from chevyssman
I think Brian's advise is "Right On" There is no reason you can not be bi-sexual or even lesbian. Just get in touch with your feelings and understand that you are not held back anymore by traditional social categories. Explore and find what feels comfortable and satisfying to you.
I don't think that is right. To be honest the fact that you were in a bi-sexual sexual relationship shows that the man you either the man you were with or she was with doesn't think one woman is enough. Homosexuality is not a right way of life and just because you seem not to be hurting someone else is no reason to even try to continue in it. You seem like a good person, stop sleeping around, start living right, and you'll enjoy life more, as for Brian that person is all about relativism, what is good for you is good as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, that isn't true there are some things that are natural and right and homosexuality is surely not natural or right. Just because you have feelings for other woman, doesn't mean that you should act upon those feelings, just like if you have feelings for another man you shouldn't act on those either. If you want to experiment become a scientist.
Dear Brian, I am married to a man but I am in love with this every wonderful women and the man does not won't to grant me a divorce and I want to be with this woman more then anything in this world other then my kids but my husband is holding my kids over my head. what I am to do? I know I am a lez because she is the only thing I think about and my kids. and is it wrong for my kids to know that mommy is in love with a woman at their age they are 6 and 4?
Comment from Dansk1
Brian, you so far off the mark it smells of coercive manipulation. As a Christian, and old enough to remember when persons with homosexual tendencies were frequently institutionalized, I am disturbed, no totally disgusted, with modern-day thinking (OK, I'm 75). There are now several satellite TV channels specializing in home remodel that are saturated with queers, to the point I may terminate my TV watching. Where I live there isn't any local reception. Yes, the interior-decorating people who talk funny are queers! When the term of gay or gay appeared in the public area, I had several individual friends named Gay or Gaye, so in respect to them I do not use the modern nonsequitor gay term. Would you, Brian, appreciate and like it if queers were known widely as Brian's? Lost In Iowa needs urgent counseling by somebody with Christian values skilled in dealing with these matters. Sorry, but society should not be encouraging deviant behavior. Would also recommend talking with your religious minister, if that individual is NOT homosexual.
Comment from malia_57
dear lost in Iowa, I don't know what to say but I was in a lesbian relationship for four years and it was good. but what you have to remember is whatever you have now that's pretty much all you get out of it. now that I date guys I see myself being able to get pregnant and someday even get married. so what I am saying is it is not worth it. that's form my experience.
Comment from Joe
I NEVER write responses to articles, BUT, I COMPLETELY agree with Brian. This is so because I have had to deal with this type of situation before, but on the other end of the stick. I was the partner that allowed his FIANCE to explore these emerging feelings of exploration. I knew that if she didn't find out where her true preferences lie SOON, we might find ourselves married and THEN have these issues, possibly DIVORCE...and I wouldn't want that. So, MY advice is...learn now or regret later, experiment and know yourself before you commit to ANYONE else, male or female. Take it from me, you will save the OTHER person's heart that way (I had to give up my fiance)...
Comment from jaigheyisi
There are some things people consider as normal in the western world, the so-called civilized world which looks bizarre and rather absurd and may be so considered abnormal in our part of the globe. In the beginning when God made man, He made him bisexual. God later found out that it was not good because he saw that the man He had created was lonely and so He decided to separate the two sexes, therefore He made a woman from the man He had created. There was a lot of wisdom in what God did. Why would man or woman now abandon the companion God has provided and cling to man or woman like himself or herself. It is purely immoral and sacrilegious. These are the practices that are fast depleting the population of the so-called civilized world. If the right practices are encouraged, Italy would not bother offering to pay people $1000.00 per birth, and America, and Canada, and Australia would not be going through the rigour of luring other nationals, especially from the less developed world to come and work in their sprawling industries. How can a woman and a woman or a man and a man of like sexes copulate and produce a being like themselves? I stand to be educated on this. My best regards.
Comment from cyansmiles
I think anyone that is not sure. needs to take a break for the chaos. and think about what they want. If you want to do it. and you can handle the consequences (this confusion being one of them).. I guess it is up to you. However too many never consider all this. then try to work it out after. you will fall in a trap and end up with a lot of social and spiritual problems that cannot be met. It is about who you are and what you want. Not about what is "fun." Take a break. re-evaluate your beliefs and what you want out of life. then only after you are sure this is what you want. enjoy your decisions. I personal tried some stuff in my life. but one day I realized it was the life style that was not attractive to me any shape or form. Sex is always fun, but I don't want everything that comes with it and enjoy my "straight" lifestyle with no regrets. I will also say I am positive I am straight.
Well Brian, it's easy to see you are a modern day "if it feels good, do it" person. It does not matter what YOU think, what Lost in Iowa thinks, or what I think. It's wrong, and there is not discussion about it. Do you know what the Bible is??? Do you believe the Bible? Or do you just believe the parts that go with your lifestyle. Just because it's the "modern" era, nothing has changed. If same sex relationships was wrong 100 years ago, it's still wrong today. The Bible never changes. I know you are gonna laugh and scorn me, but you had better wise up. Time is short and just because you believe a certain way does don't excuse you from eternal damnation. - Jack
I find it interesting that Brian thanked God for the gay liberation when the Bible clearly states that sexual relations outside of marriage (gay or not) is sin. I'm not a bible thumper by any means. I cracked open my bible for the first time ever only couple months ago so I'm not a person to quote scripture. I do know that before I started focusing on God and his message, I was very confused about my purpose in life. I used to focus on partying and sex. And I had lots of fun. But I was never happy. I disagree with many of Brian's comments. Mostly the advice about not limiting your sexual options if you're not hurting anyone else because in the end, this sexual experimentation will only hurt you. You can confirm that with any number of people that have been there. I also disagree with the statement that "these rules" were written by heterosexuals. These rules were written by God, not man. I would say to Lost in Iowa that society has not "branded in your brain" that a heterosexual relationship is "right", that's your heart talking. Listen to it and try redirecting your focus onto God, or the gym, or a hobby, or anything other than the "gay liberation" that "society" is trying to "brand in you brain" as being acceptable. I will agree with on of Brian's statements, "Be the woman you were meant to be".
Comment from creativecharm
I think you should do it more often.
Comment from edafegift
while it is true that a man have a free will to choose what he/she want to do, I want to say that there is a vacuum in every one which only GOD can fill through Jesus christ. all you need to do is to invite him into your heart today, in matt. 11:28-30 says the savior is always ready to accept u.u may contact me through the email bellow
I disagree with Brian's "if it feels good do it" attitude. Has anyone heard of sexual morality? Brian spoke of monogamy with her male partner, then suggested experimenting with females. That statement is in conflict. I know numerous homosexuals and ALL of them are in conflict...constantly. If she wants to really mess up her life then she should experiment with Lesbianism. How do I know? My sister is a Lesbian.
Comment from gabrieligwebike
if I may state my opinion on this i'll say this advice sucks. homosexualism ,lesbianism ,or any -ism that is not between members of the opposite sex, is unnatural(think 'the animals are not higher beings and hence can only behave spontaneously yet they do not practice same sex relations.).i say it is abnormal, unnatural and wrong. repress such feelings i'll advice tho you must note my greatest vice is advice.
The Feelings of being with the same sex is not what you want it is just your flesh being curious. Women were meant to be with men. That is the bottom line. It is natural. People we are with the opposites sex most of the time are there because at one time or the other they were betrayed by someone and they feel they need to feel better by acting out on what is only natural. I believe in opposite sex relationships. The fact is being "gay" is simply a demon that has influenced you. Because I guarantee you will never ever meet a true Christian that is gay. Our nation is based on God and we need to start acting like it because the end is coming close. Talk to God see what he feels about you being a lesbian I think you will get your answer
Comment from Daniel 814
I sincerely disagree with Brian's advise in this case. There is evidence that homosexual behavior is due to abnormal psychological trauma. It is only those who want to pursue the path of least resistance instead of seeking to heal their condition that argue that being homosexual is genetically encoded at birth and therefore normal.
Go on and get your freak on... just as long as you don't hurt anybody.... If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner... make them understand that you do love them... and if you don't let them go and do your thing... It is the emptiest feeling in the world to live a lie that you don't want to live... so weather you are str8, a lessie, or a multi gender orgasm seeker, be sure to do this one thing... be you and not anyone that someone else wants you to be.... Happy experimenting.... P.S. be like the squirrel... bust nuts all day... (that's slang for get as many orgasms as you can...)
Despite the fact that we should follow our hearts to discover what we really need instead of what "branded in brain" by our society, I think Lost in lowa should understand more deeply about her feelings to the same sex before she tells herself she is a lesbian. From her letter, it seems like it is the sex excitement from the three-some which stimulated her interests in women. It is possible, as it is her first time. But relationships is much more than sex. Desire for sex excitement does not mean desire for a relationship with the same sex.
Comment from 72604_D
This is an impossible statement! "Is it any surprise that these rules were written by heterosexuals? Thank God for Gay Liberation! " God has ordained the rules of the sexes not human heterosexuals who are thanking him with his blessing not you for thanking him for "Gay Liberation."
Comment from scooba_steve
listen to me lost in Iowa, Brian has no idea what she is talking about. she is what is wrong with the world today. what you need to do is seek counselling, get help, because relationships should always be between a man and a woman, that is how God made us, and if you choose to listen to Brian, your life will be worse off because of it.
A woman would be with a man. God made adam and eve, not eve and eva,adam and steve.
Lost in Iowa, Sorry but I disagree with Brian in the terms of thanking God for gay liberation, GOD has no part in this. That clearly demonstrates a one sided liberal. Lets be open minded and not one sided. Society did have its origin and it came from guess who. So society didn't brand anything in anyone, people throughout the years modified morals and values. So its better to listen to what society today is branding in peoples minds ? Give it a rest Brian. After reading, I believe that its a sexual thing and the guys that you are dating are not at all turning you on. What I'm saying is that you may want to get deeper involved sexually and be a bit more kinky and need that to make your boat float in terms of a sexual climax. A desired change is a turn on big time but usually is a temporary thing. You know like a "been there done that" type of thing or like going from Pot smoking to a heavier drug. My answer is no you are not a lesbian. As stated by Brian, experiment some more as long as you are not hurting anyone. I believe that once you do this you will have no more problems, but only solutions. Its all sexual and nothing to do with love( In what I understand ). so I believe that you are straight but need a sexual turn on leaning to another female which is your desire. I hope this helps you out and go with your heart.
Comment from samalan01
We have an example that say : With one-time to give, we don't bee kooni (obi, lesbian, bisexual, ...) !!! Don't worry lady !
Comment from shinivas
Dear Lowa U enjoy the born right as you like & do not listen others view especially in this matter. wish you gd luck.
Comment from imwithyoutoo
I like your advice but would like to add: Make sure you realize, sexual pleasure is always higher when doing something new and in your experimentations you can break the heart of a great person unknowingly.
Comment from moon2nice
Hi, This is Himanshu from India You have gone for big deal sex with men's even I am too interest for sex with Americans, but how I contact you and how we meet I will give you the best sex or I will satisfied you in bed with all your desirable feeling in your mind, I have big one that you can take easily and sucking up to throat level.all good wishes
Nuts...two people degrading each other is wicked...its amazing at how easy it is to make people believe evil is good.
Comment from akeeper
It's NOT what "society" has "branded in her brain" it IS about what's right and what's wrong and you encouraging someone whose confused and sincerely seeking quality advice by encouraging her that its of because society says it isn't is pathetic at best and a crime against nature at least and you should be ashamed of yourself! For heavens sake you don't see two female/male bears falling in love do you? YOU don't see them trying have sexual relationships do you? Why you don't is because its NOT natural for ANY species and though I have to tolerate because we live in an immoral society is a crime against me, but where is the tolerance for how people like me feel? There is none because too many people don't care about anything that's right or wrong and anything goes! My aunts husband was killed in the Vietnam war. She didn't want to be with another man so since the 60's she claimed she was a lesbian. Well , recently she came clean and told the whole family she was mixed up and that she was sorry, but she was confused and hurt. The saddest was that she said she used to have discussions with her lesbian friends and she said they used to all agree that it wasn't about who they were it was basically what they wanted to do and that comes from a lesbian of well over 30 years who for the first time since her husband died is happy again! The bottom line is this! No matter how twisted your idea of what's right and what's wrong is skewed...If it's NOT "natural" it's NOT "right"!!! So STOP advising mixed up confused people who only want to be loved and respected (by someone whose actually capable of both which itself is hard to find) to go against the laws of nature because it's either cool, hip or just because they want to. It's clearly wrong to any sane and emotionally stable, clear thinking person and whether you choose to admit it or not people who've been there do know better, but they're side isn't heard !!!
Comment from mackool
My dear Lost in Lowa, sex; I believe is only meant for men and women who have a complimented each other 4 the purpose of the matrimonial union...It sounds absurd to view sex as a societal issue...It most be noted that it was ordained by God, to be done with some dignity... It seems beastly to organize sex to the contradiction of natures will... Even animals don't do that they strictly obey this rules... My dear I this is my advice to you...go for a life partner it think its the best... my regards
No.There must be a reason why man and woman were created. Being gay or lesbian is ok but its a deviation from the purpose-purpose of the creator. Be bold and please be right-practice what is right
Comment from asssets38
If it feels good and your still into guys then you have the best of both worlds and I know how you feel good luck lost in Iowa
Comment from Bellalatin22
I have the same feelings and feel embarrassed about it, I enjoy being with men and from time to time I want to be with someone of my own sex, its a different way to make it , different to touch , different skin, and so on. I live in south america where no one talk about bisexuality and I enjoy both, but its not easy to find someone here to share.
Comment from WhatsMissing
Dear Lost in Iowa, Brian's advice is good, as he recognizes that the core of your frustration is in the confusion of identity. You want understanding and control of your situation, but it may be too early to pidgeon-hole yourself into a category or a lifestyle. You are looking for self-fulfilment and happiness, so experimenting is not done with thoughts of harming anyone or yourself. I have known a few women who think that the categories of sexual preference do not adequately apply to themselves. This may surprise you, but consider the following. Us guys can be very polarized. If we had to breast-feed all babies then there would be no human race. "What? I have to give this baby boy milk? No way! That's gay!" But a woman can have a child come out of her private parts, breast feed her, kiss her lips, bathe her, dress her, and watch her grow. Some women say that affection from a man can seem shallow and like marking territory. Sometimes affection from a woman can be different, and even nurturing -- if that is what you are missing from your life. Some women are bi-affectionate, bi-curious, or just had tried to be lesbian for a while. A few of the latter I have known. They have said that they have no regrets, they learned about themselves and their likes, but they left that behind and are exploring other parts of life and themselves. Dr. Joyce Brothers has said that every boy's first love is his mom, and every girl's first love is also her mom. So do not let your wandering thoughts worry or consume you. Maybe we all think about women. A woman can make a man feel ten feet tall and bullet-proof. Maybe you deserve to feel the same. But if finding a way to get started seems daunting, most any boyfriend would support you if you decided to try another threesome. Ha!
Comment from pleroma70
Good God. The first thing you should do is move out of Iowa and to someplace civilized. Try one of the coasts, for example, where we are happy members of the twenty-first century. The whole "experiment without looking stupid" thing is much easier out here. There's something called the Kinsey Scale. (See the new movie about Kinsey.) Basically, it runs from 1 to 6, with 1 being completely straight and 6 being completely gay or lesbian. All people fall somewhere on this scale, and it's ALL RIGHT. My father was about a 4.5 or 5, I think. My friend J. is a 6 (I love teasing him about the delights of women's naughty bits--he shrieks in terror). I am a 1.5; I've had numerous opportunities to experiment, but just can't get turned on by other men. I've never even tried...just doesn't seem worth it. Whatever you are is ALL RIGHT. Online can be a safe, easy, and anonymous way to set up experimentation. Go slowly, make sure you're comfortable, and stop worrying. And move out of Iowa.
I have to say, I completely agree with what Brian is saying here. I've been where you are now and eventually decided that I'm bi with a strong preference for women but I still like men. Just to let you know, from this side of the fence, most of the experienced women I've know few new curiosity as intriguing and fun, not stupid. Just tell people you're new to it. Tell them what you've done and what you'd like to do. You won't look stupid and you'll find what you're looking for. Happy Hunting, Experimental
Don't get me wrong, I won't judge anyone by what they do, as long as they just try anything on me(if it's a guy), or show it in front of me(either gender), but it's written in the bible that heterosexual IS "right"...I'm not going to down people if they are homosexual, but just because people can be ok with it doesn't mean that it's right!
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