The Pros and Cons of an Open Relationship

You return home after a hard day at the office (or, to assure you I'm in touch with the realities of life, the unemployment line) and you're greeted by the dog but not your lover. In the bathroom, you notice a strange, freshly used toothbrush on the counter of the sink. The fogged-up mirror and humidity indicate someone's been in the shower, but since you and your boyfriend delight in showering together every morning, who could it be? You both wear briefs, so who left those boxer shorts on the floor?

Open your bedroom door and you have your answer. Your boyfriend has another boyfriend and the two of them are in bed, kissing, cuddling, and having a gay good time together.

How do you react?

(A) You scream, "It's over!" You start packing your possessions and march out the door, slamming it hard enough to loosen every filling in your boyfriend's teeth;

(B) You scream, "It's over!" You start packing HIS possessions and insist he leave immediately and take his boytoy with him;

(C) You say, "Excuse me," close the door behind you to ensure their privacy, turn on the TV and adjust the volume to drown out the sound of those squeaky bedsprings. You go about your business, preparing dinner, taking the dog for a walk and so forth.

If you answered (C), you are in an "open relationship." Regardless of how you and your boyfriend feel about each other, you have agreed that you are both free to enjoy sex with other partners. Open relationships are not exclusive to gay male couples, but since homosexuals defy society's conventions by their mere existence, they may be more accepting of the concept.

The advantages are obvious. You are both free to sleep with any man you find attractive and do it without guilt or fear of discovery. Not having to rely on your partner alone for your sexual gratification may even strengthen your relationship. You've eliminated the possibility that boredom in the bedroom or disagreements about sex could come between you and threaten the happy home you've made together. You enjoy each other's company, you have a lot in common, and you love each other. What difference does it make if he wants sex more often, or if he's more adventurous and eager to explore activities that you consider weird or just not to your liking? It's known as having your cake and eating it too, in every flavor you crave. An open relationship really can be ideal.

But life is rarely ideal. An open relationship may require more work than a monogamous one. The biggest obstacle is jealousy. Kathy Labriola, a counselor in Berkeley, California, describes those who are immune to the Green Eyed Monster as "either more highly evolved than the rest of us mortals, or...pathologically out of touch with their feelings."

Jealousy stems from insecurity, a deep-seated fear that we are unworthy, or not as worthy (attractive, intelligent, successful) as someone else. We all want to be liked. Even if we claim otherwise, we want to be respected for not giving a damn. And no matter how confident we may be, we all deal with insecurity on some level. Some people are so consumed with feelings of inadequacy that jealousy is the dominant force in their lives. Their relationships are battlefields, constant competitions in which everyone loses because those inflicted with feelings of inferiority are too insecure to be satisfied with equality. They strive to feel superior which requires dominance and control.

But even those of us with a predominantly positive self-image are susceptible to jealousy. No matter how attractive, intelligent, or successful we are, there will always be someone we think has us beat in one or more departments. What if the man in bed with your boyfriend is just such a person? Can your ego handle it? Can your relationship survive if you feel that your partner might prefer someone else to you?

An open relationship has other dangers. The two of you can agree to always practice safe-sex in your extracurricular activities, but passion has been known to override common sense. And if you and your partner want or need sex with multiple partners, could it be a sign that something is missing from your relationship? Commitment? A genuine emotional bond? Love?

These and other questions will have to be asked and thoroughly answered before a successful open relationship is possible. But there are alternatives to a purely open relationship that may satisfy you and your partner's need for sexual freedom without threatening the happy life you've made together. Consider the following:

A threesome. It sounds more romantic in French (Menage a Trois) but it's easier to pronounce (and spell) in English. Providing you have similar taste in men, why not spice up both of your sex lives by sharing a boyfriend? You'll both get the variety you crave but you'll enjoy it together.

If a threesome doesn't work for you, give exhibitionism and voyeurism a try. While you engage in sex with an outsider, your principal lover can watch. Chances are he'll enjoy the show and get off on his own by observing. And you can switch roles, either with the same outsider or a boyfriend of your lover's choosing.

Share your experiences. When you've had a sexual experience outside of your relationship, talk about it with your partner. Instead of being jealous of what you MIGHT have experienced without him, he'll get a vicarious thrill from your play-by-play reenactment of your adventure. He may be so excited by your description that he'll insist you have sex with him on the spot.

Relationships take a lot of work. Sometimes an open relationship is nothing more than a way to avoid the responsibilities that are a natural part of sharing your life with another person. An open relationship, though promising freedom, can also offer escape, and there is a difference. If you see an open relationship as a quick-fix to a problem neither of you are willing to discuss or believe is beyond repair, then it's purely an escape, but one that will never result in genuine freedom. But if freedom is what you seek from an open relationship, and you and your partner are willing to give it a try, know what you both hope to accomplish. Look both ways before crossing that street or you'll never make it to the other side. Not together, anyway.

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