Bi The Way

At some point, most gay men are asked this question by a straight acquaintance: Have you ever slept with a woman?

If the answer is no, and in my case it is, the next question is whether or not the gay man would ever consider sex with a woman, if only out of curiosity. I always say that if I were alone with a woman and she took off her clothes, my natural instinct would be to take off my clothes and try hers on. That’s where it would end. Now if you bring her boyfriend into the scenario, it’s an all-together different story. Yes, I “like” women, but I’m not sexually attracted to them and am utterly clueless as to how to satisfy a woman sexually. I am what I am, and what I am is a homosexual.

But some gay men do have sexual experience with women. A gay boy who is not fully aware of his orientation may date girls, even becoming sexually active with one, only to discover that he needs and wants a man. Some gay men even marry women, occasionally out of confusion about their desires, more often out of a need to suppress or “cure” themselves of the same. It doesn’t work, of course, and if a gay man satisfies a woman sexually, his desire is usually fueled by fantasies of other men.

But then there are bisexuals.

Neither heterosexual nor homosexual, bisexuals are attracted to both sexes, and can have satisfying sexual relations with both. They are the most democratic of sexual minorities, but also the most controversial. Some gay activists regard bisexuality as a copout, a way for a gay man to hang on to his honorary membership in the heterosexual club, while still enjoying the same-sex relationships he prefers. To them, bisexuality is nothing but internalized homophobia.

Sexuality, like all things human, is probably more complex than that, but it shouldn’t be surprising that gay guys (and straight women) may be reluctant to become romantically involved with a self-proclaimed bisexual man. If you feel a twinge of jealousy when your date is too friendly with the muscular stud at the health club, why double your displeasure by having to worry that your bi-guy is chatting up an attractive woman? If you haven’t yet made a commitment to date only each other, it might be just a bit unnerving to know that your potential new boyfriend is not only deciding if he prefers you to another man, but also whether or not he prefers you to a woman.

There may also be some concern that a bisexual man may have a double standard when it comes to cheating. If he’s in a committed relationship with another man, is he being unfaithful by having sex on the side with a woman? If he’s in a “gay” relationship with you, does sex with a woman count?

Some bisexual men have lovers of both sexes, and they can avoid complications if the relationships are purely sexual. In some cases, his male and female lovers are aware of each other and may even be acquainted socially. If both are confident of what they have to offer their man, they may even be friends who do not regard each other as competitors. But these relationships could be threatened should someone fall in love. A lover’s triangle involving a gay man, a straight woman, and a bisexual stud may make for crackling good drama in the movies (“Sunday, Bloody Sunday” comes to mind), but it’s not something you’d want to deal with in real life. And who is the most likely candidate for heartbreak? The gay guy. Fact is, being heterosexual is easier than being gay, and if a bi-guy has to choose, he’ll likely opt for the straight and narrow path where he can bask in the approval of straight society.

For the bisexual, the ideal relationship is probably with another bisexual. Gay men should stick to gay men, and straight women should stick to straight men. But life is unpredictable and you don’t always choose the object of your affections. Our hearts make decisions without consulting our heads, and other parts of our anatomy lure us into situations without consulting either.

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