One of the challenges of being gay is deciding what to call the love of your life, especially when introducing him to family and friends, or anyone else to whom you are out as a gay person. It is, indeed, a challenge, especially for men. There are many choices, but each has the potential to either confuse people as to the exact nature of your relationship, or make you feel awkward, pretentious, or just plain silly. Let's examine some of the options:

Sweetie: The most obvious only because I use it in the title of this article. Sweet, isn't it? Cute too, but it's a little too sugary and condescending. Sweetie is what you might call a child.

Honey: See above.

Lover: There's nothing wrong with this in private. I can certainly imagine myself cooing "lover" into a man's ear when we're between the sheets. It may also be okay if you're French. Otherwise, it's pretentious, much too precious to inspire anything but ridicule. Besides, I'll forever associate the word with Orson Welles' 1948 movie Lady From Shanghai. "Lover" is what Everett Sloane called his on-screen wife Rita Hayworth, and there was more than a little contempt in his voice when he said it. He had his reasons. He knew she was unfaithful, and "lover" does tend to suggest infidelity. A lover is more likely to be the person you're cheating with, not the one who has claimed your heart.

Companion: Though accurate at describing the other half of a couple, it's a little dispassionate. You could be describing your dog. There's even something a little homophobic about it. "Companion" as a description of a gay man's lover seems to have started in the heterosexual media. It was a way of subtly outing a celebrity to the public, but since it was more of a wink than a declarative statement, the press could still cover its ass in court.

Boy Toy: I'm kidding! It may describe the partner in some relationships, but it's demeaning, implying your relationship is purely sexual and your lover a mere plaything.

Partner: Like companion, it's proper, but it lacks a certain punch. It's much too formal. In most cases, people will infer that the two of you are in business together, perhaps partners in a fast food franchise. It's an economic term, not a romantic one.

Significant Other: A product of the madness known as political correctness, it's like describing a garbage collector as a "sanitation engineer." Even when heterosexuals refer to their lover as a significant other, they have a hard time keeping a straight face. Imagine how much harder it would be for us queers.

Husband: Ah, this word probably makes gay guys swoon like no other. But to describe your sweetie this way, you'd better be comfortable knowing most people will automatically cast you in the role of the "wife." Transgendered and effeminate gay men won't mind, and may even love being assigned the female role. A butch would not.

Wife: see above

Boyfriend: "Buddy" has all but replaced "boyfriend" as the way to describe a heterosexual boy's best male friend. That's because boyfriend is now an exclusively romantic term (unlike "girlfriend" which a woman can use without once implying she's a lesbian). Boyfriend is what most women call their sweeties, and it's what a gay guy can call his. It isn't perfect. If you and your honey have progressed beyond the dating stage, boyfriend may not fully express the depth of your commitment. Still, it seems to be the most popular choice, and the most logical since it has both romantic and sexual overtones.

Since those of us who are homosexual haven't reached agreement on what to call ourselves (gays? queers? fags?), we're not likely to reach accord on what to call our lovers. It's a matter of personal preference and perhaps that's the way it should be. Whatever works for you and your cutie (there's another one for the list) is the only thing that counts

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