Bringing Him Home

In his published diaries, the late critic (and spanking enthusiast) Kenneth Tynan recalled that film star Marlene Dietrich chose to end her affair with legendary CBS News correspondent Edward R. Murrow after he delayed their love making to finish a cigarette.

Gays and lesbians are said to smoke more than any other demographic but it’s hard to imagine a gay guy delaying sex for a blast of nicotine. His bedmate can satisfy those oral cravings in ways that a cigarette never could. What’s a stick of tobacco compared to a penis? One produces smoke. The other is smokin’!

But no matter how throbbing and ready for love that penis is, if it isn’t clean, even a non-smoker may opt to put a cigarette in his mouth instead.

Have you ever gotten a man home and seduced him into bed only to find that though his breath is sparkling fresh, his hands are beautifully manicured, and his hair is spiky clean, his private parts are in need of some soap and water? There you are, hungry and hot, eager to display your lovemaking skills but put off by your partner’s sticky sweat and foul odors. (Of course, if you find his lack of hygiene a turn-on, and some men do, more power to you.)

Sometimes you encounter the opposite problem. He’s clean, all right, but his flesh is so covered in baby powder, deodorant, and cologne that it interferes with your enjoyment of his equipment. You want to taste him, not Johnson and Johnson’s, and certainly not Old Spice.
You can’t say, "You stink," whether his scent is pleasant or not, so what action do you take?

Turn this lemon into lemonade by flirtatiously suggesting a shower, but don’t expect him to get wet alone. Hide your true motivation by turning it into a romantic, sexy moment. Take control of the soap and wash him yourself. Massage his body slowly, sensually, and shower him with gentle, teasing kisses. Suddenly, your problem is an opportunity to make the evening more exciting than you or he anticipated. You might not want to bother drying off to hit the sheets. You might want to do him right there. Few things are as romantic or sensual as making love while warm water falls on your bodies. And you’ll keep your bed sheets clean, very convenient if you later decide to cuddle up together and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Some other troublesome matters must be anticipated and solved beforehand. One of the stereotypes about gay men is that we’re neat and fussy about our appearance, but stereotypes don’t apply to everyone. So we should all take the following steps lest we become the offending party:

Brush and floss your teeth. If you’re planning to perform oral sex on your partner, it’s often recommended that you don’t brush your teeth because brushing could result in tiny cuts that may increase your risk of infection. But that’s silly advice, anyway, because it’s even safer when your lover wears a condom. Never go down on a guy or let him penetrate you from behind unless he’s wearing a rubber or you’re absolutely, positively sure of his HIV status. When it comes to kissing, however, brushing and flossing is of paramount importance. When my tongue is exploring a man’s mouth, I generally prefer not to encounter a piece of the meatball from his spaghetti dinner the night before.

Keep your nose clean. Hidden away as it is, those little hairs in your nose are often overlooked. But others can see it, especially if you’re on top in bed. Is it thick enough to be mistaken for a forest? Is it so long that you could braid it and tie it into a ponytail? Is it braided and tied in a ponytail? You simply have to keep those hairs trimmed and tidy. There are tiny scissors made especially for this procedure, but even a regular sized pair can do the trick if used carefully.

When bringing a man home for the first time, it’s also a good idea to have your house or apartment in order. Check the bathroom. Your bathroom cabinet is as revealing as your bedroom. Is that thick head of hair on top of your head your own? Then why do you have triple strength toupee glue in your cabinet? And what’s with those pearly whites? Is that a spare pair soaking in the sink? If you’ve got secrets and hope to keep them, put anything private in a place less public than the bathroom.

And what about your bookshelves? Titles on the order of Sex Tips for Gay Guys, and The Joy of Gay Sex can send a mixed message. You could either be a slut who has learned his lessons well, or a novice in need of all the help you can get. If you’re not sure how your date would react to either possibility, it’s probably best that you appear to be neither.

Last but not least, cell phones have no place in the bedroom when you’ve got a man in there. Convenient as they are, these devices are contributing to an epidemic of narcissism and rudeness. Sure, a cell phone can be a life raft on a date, a distraction you can use to avoid a night in the fiery pit of hell. But if the date has proceeded to an intimate encounter, you either don’t need that life line or have waited too long to use it.

While you’re at it, turn off the TV. And empty those ash trays.

Making love can be a transcendent experience in which your mind and body are in perfect synch, bringing you and your lover to an emotional and physical peak that’s impossible to reach from any other endeavor. With a little advance planning, it should even convince a chain smoker to give up that final drag.

by Brian W. Fairbanks

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