Less Risky Business

Except for masturbation, there’s really no such thing as safe sex. There is only safer sex.

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You’re a gay man who recently came out, at least to yourself. After spending countless hours at online dating sites, as well as nursing drinks in gay bars, you’ve met a man. You find him attractive. He finds you attractive. You share many of the same interests, and several casual dates have convinced you he’s worth pursuing further. You want to consummate the relationship, but you’re scared. You’re sure of your HIV status, after all, you just came out. Your partner says he was tested for HIV and the results were negative, but as much as you trust him, you’re worried. How long ago was he tested? And what was he tested for? You’re not only concerned about AIDS, but also syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, and all manner of sexually transmitted diseases.

One of the great misnomers of modern times is "safe sex." Gay or straight, there is only safer sex. The only truly safe sex is abstinence - no sex at all - or masturbation in which your only partner is your hand. Since sex is a perfectly natural function, and arguably essential to a satisfactory love life, abstinence simply isn’t a choice for most of us. Masturbation is fun, but it’s merely a substitute, and a poor one at that, for sex with a partner. Granted, sex is not love, and there’s more to a romantic relationship than getting it on, but love and romance are bound to feel incomplete without a physical expression of desire.

It is during sex that we fully share ourselves with our lover. Is there another time in a relationship that’s as honest and free as when we are naked and between the sheets? Certainly, we are rarely more vulnerable than at the moment we experience orgasm. We don’t so much let down our guard as let our lover take it from us. We are powerless, and we welcome, even desire, that feeling. It is then that we allow our lovers to fully possess us. It is when he is approaching climax that even the most taciturn man is likely to say "I love you." When it’s over, his defenses return, along with his insecurities.

Some gay men who came out only after the emergence of AIDS haven’t chosen abstinence so much as had it thrust upon them. But as long as we take precautions, there is no need to refrain from sex. The not so secret weapon against every STD is the condom.

The importance of wearing a condom cannot be stressed enough. Until both you and your partner are absolutely sure of your HIV status, and have promised to maintain a purely monogamous relationship, condoms are as essential to gay lovemaking as a penis.

When used properly, a latex condom can prevent the spread of HIV, but be aware that they are ineffective when used with anything but a water based lubricant. A latex condom used with such readily available "lubes" as butter, baby oil, Crisco, or petroleum jelly, will fall apart, and defeat the purpose of such protection. Polyurethane condoms are available for those allergic to latex. Never attempt to save money by re-using a condom, always respect the expiration date, and never carry one in your wallet or store it in a glove compartment. You can find more thorough rules for condom use, and safer sex in general, at assorted web sites, and in books, such as the most recent edition of The Joy of Gay Sex.

The risks involved in anal sex are well-documented. Other than sharing needles, anal sex is the activity through which HIV is transmitted most often, and a condom is an absolute requirement for anal intercourse. But it’s wise to also use condoms when engaging in oral sex, even though it’s generally believed to be a low risk activity. When the partners in an exclusive relationship are sure of their HIV status, oral sex can be pretty safe. Otherwise, keep your guard up, use a rubber, and avoid swallowing semen. Many condoms now come in a variety of flavors, so you know they weren’t intended for anything but sucking off a man.

When it comes to gay sex, most people believe that giving and receiving oral and anal sex are the only available options, but two gay men can have a good, satisfying, and safe time masturbating each other by hand. Lie down next to, or facing, each other. Masturbate your partner’s penis while he does the same to yours while wearing - you guessed it - condoms! For added pleasure, use dildos to penetrate each other’s anuses. Make sure they’re clean and, yep, adorned with a condom. A hot time can be had by all with minimal or no risk of acquiring an STD.

Frottage is much more appealing than it sounds. It involves rubbing against each other’s bodies, either naked or fully clothed. Two men can also rub their penises together as an alternative to anal sex, but again, it’s always safer with a condom.

Before gay liberation, too many queens had little choice but to seek sex with strangers in parks, movie theaters, and public restrooms (more popularly known as "tearooms"). Gay Liberation hasn’t eliminated such activities, but these days those who engage in anonymous sex in public places are, more often than not, men who still deny and attempt to hide their homosexuality. The fear of possible exposure is a part of the thrill. But tearooms and glory holes (a room in which a hole has been drilled into the partition separating two cubicles, enabling one man to insert his penis for oral gratification from the man in the adjoining cubicle) are risky even when condoms are used. The possibility of arrest is always present, as is an encounter with a queer basher.

If you want gay sex, your best bet is to come out of the closet, and pursue love and sex openly and without shame. Staying in the closet may be the riskiest business of all.


by Brian W. Fairbanks

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