Just Say "No"

It’s said that John Lennon met Yoko Ono in 1966 at a London art gallery during an exhibition of the Japanese artist’s work. One of her pieces, titled "Ceiling Painting," required visitors to climb a ladder where a magnifying glass was dangling at the top. Only with the aid of the glass could you read Ono’s message, a simple three letter word: YES.
 
Having expected a more cynical, perhaps insulting message, the Beatle was immediately smitten and insisted on meeting the artist. The rest, as they say, is history.
 
Yes may be the most popular word in the English language. On the dating scene, this positive and inviting affirmation can often indicate that lo ve is in the cards, or at least the possibility.
 
What of the word’s direct opposite?
 
Consisting of two letters and one syllable, the word "no" is too rarely uttered, and seldom heard when it is.
 
At some point in our so called formative years, most of us become people pleasers. Eager to fit in among our peers, we sometimes put aside our own interests and desires, becoming overly accommodating to the wishes of others. This includes politely nodding our head in agreement with opinions we find offensive. I’m sure I’m not the only gay man who has timidly laughed along while someone told a "fag" joke, or said "yes," when asked if he thought a Playboy centerfold was "hot."
 
Unfortunately, this often self defeating tendency to say yes when we mean no follows us into adulthood. The result is that we agree to stay late at work when we would prefer to relax at hom e, or we’re chauffering our neighbors to the grocery store without even suggesting that the recipient of our kindness do something in return for us, like pay toward the cost of fuel.
 
In love and romance, this lack of assertiveness can have devastating consequences. Have you ever caved-in to someone’s persistent request for a date when that very persistence is all the reason you need to know you are not compatible? One date turns into two, then three, and before long you feel trapped, at a loss as to how to ease out of a relationship you never wanted in the first place. A wasted evening becomes a wasted year, and the time you’ve invested in this boor is time that could have been spent meeting someone you might actually enjoy being with.
 
It’s one thing to spare someone’s feelings, but what about your own? Are your feelings less important than anyone else’s? When you’re suffering from a lack of self-esteem, you may think t hey are. One way to build confidence is to say what you truly believe, and not what you think others want to hear. Start by learning to say no.
 
Admittedly, the mere utterance of the word is not enough. It must be said firmly and be accompanied by body language that gives it conviction. Hemming and hawing while saying "nah," or some variation on the word, won’t do. Neither will standing with your shoulders hunched over while your eyes study the floor. Stand up straight and look the person in the eye. Say no without hesitation or doubt. Animals smell fear but so can humans. The most manipulative humans are especially adept at detecting a sensitive nature they can exploit for their own selfish ends.
 
And don’t let yourself be cornered. No should usually signal the end of the conversation, so once it’s said, move on and keep walking. If you’re followed, don’t stop to rehash the discussion. Do what Clint Eastwood is said to do w hen asked for an autograph. The star is polite and accommodating, but keeps on moving knowing that to stop is to become his pursuer’s captive.
 
Even the most polite people can assert themselves without resorting to pepper spray and stun guns..

by Brian W. Fairbanks

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