I'm seeing someone - Why does my mother insist I date my ex?

Dear Brenda,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of six and a half years. I feel that I am ready to start dating again. I love Scott (the ex) and only wish the best for him but the longer we are apart the more I believe that we just weren't meant for each other. This other guy, Paul, whom I have dated in the past, is in the picture again. Besides Scott, he is the only other person I have loved. I'm 24 and he's 33, which doesn't bother me at all. The problem is with my mother. She thought Scott was the greatest thing since sliced bread. She's hated Paul since the beginning, partly due to his age, partly due to the fact that he is a firefighter, and partly because she adores Scott and didn't like the fact that he caught my attention. She even did Scott's laundry!! I want to date Paul because we get along great and are very attracted to one another. I get butterflies when I see him. I don't want to lie to my mother, but she makes it so hard on me. I don't know how to handle this. She feels that she is always right and that I should think and feel what she feels. I don't even think she realizes it. Can you help?
- Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Of course I can help. I went through the exact same thing many years ago. Dating is a learning process. I was engaged to my 'Scott', and my family went nuts over him. He was a carpenter and very gregarious, liked participating in sports and was a bit rough around the edges. They thought he was a bunch of fun. But late bloomer that I was, I slowly realized that we had nothing in common. He hated antique stores, I hated the 24/7 sports, I was quiet, he was loud, and he never gave me the butterflies that I think are important to a well rounded relationship. My next boyfriend was quiet and nervous around my family, but around me he had the greatest sense of humor and we loved the same things. We had great chemistry and didn't have to make incredible sacrifices to enjoy each others company. What I had to do finally was to sit down with my pouting family and tell them all the things about 'Scott' that drove me up the wall, and that it was my life, and that I wanted to make my own choices and mistakes, and for them to please try to respect that.

It sounds like you and Paul will make a nice couple, but after you bite the bullet. It'll probably be difficult, but you'll have to talk to your mother in a way that lets her know that you care a great deal what her opinions are, but that Scott just wasn't the right man for you. If she gives you any grief, then tell her something really awful he might have done to you, like break some keepsake of yours in an argument. Or that he bored you to death... Whatever... I'm sure she just wants you to be happy, and some Mom's have the hardest time shaking that overprotective-mode they go into. It's possible that your mom feels that she chose the wrong path in her earlier life and doesn't want you to make the same mistake.

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