Why am I unapproachable at nightclubs?

Dear Brenda,

I need some advice on this dating business. Recently single, I am having a hard go of it. I've started going to night clubs again and rarely get approached. I'm very confident and sure of myself and all of my guy friends say that I am unapproachable because I am too confident. So what am I supposed to do? Crouch over and hope some guy comes along thinking I am easy prey? HELP!
- unapproachable

Dear unapproachable,

The first thing you have to do is to understand a man's nightclub mentality. Whenever I go to clubs, I always notice that there seem to be two groups of men, those who are (like me) dancing like it's our last day on earth, and those who line the edges of the room, hovering near the bar, standing in the shadows, surveying the landscape. I would think that they are doing this for one of three reasons. Either they're checking out their next target, or they're relaxing with a drink while being amused by my female version of the white mans overbite, or they're shy. I feel oddly sorry for the shadow men, but that feeling is short-lived when I'm suddenly distracted by Rico Suave and his less stylish possibly imported friend who are suddenly trying to make me into a modern day disco sandwich.

Of course you want to be yourself, but think about it. If your dear friends, who we all know are our windows of objection, are telling you that you're "too" confident, they might be softening the blow when they really mean over-confident, or worse, overbearing. Over-confidence is intimidating to anyone. You don't need to hide in a corner and wait for someone to approach you, but you might want to step down from the bar and join the rest of us on the dance floor.

Rather than approach some shadow guy and try to drag him into the spotlight, practice the art of subtle flirting. Try dancing by yourself, near the object of your current attention to give him the opportunity to approach you. Men, who also don't like to be shot down but unfortunately have plenty of experience, do appreciate clear signals from women, but they also want to know that the woman they wind up spending time with wasn't creating too much attention towards herself, because that just makes her look like she just wanted attention from anyone, and that doesn't make her appear very valuable. So bottom line, try an experiment: tone it down a bit, and you'll be fighting them off like screenwriters to a help wanted sign in an L.A. restaurant.

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