Should I Forget this Long Distance Love?

Dear Brenda,

I met a very ambitious, handsome guy online over the summer. We have a lot in common and have been keeping in touch daily for the last 2 months. I have flown to see him 4 times, and I have a wonderful time when I am with him and he seems to enjoy my company as well; but there is something missing. I can't get him to open up to me...and sometimes I have a hard time trying to figure out if he is interested in me or just interested sexually. He did mention that he has dated some psycho girls in the past and that he has a hard time trusting now.

We got on the conversation about dating other people and I told him I wasn't seeing anyone else and he said the same...but when I went to visit two weeks ago, I found a pair of hoop diamond earrings in the console of his SUV when I went to get a pair of sunglasses...It upset me so much that when he got back in I could hardly speak.

Our body language would lead you to think that we are seriously in love...cuddling on the couch, holding hands, back/foot rubs, constantly eyeing each other, etc. It scares me to think that I could be falling for someone who could be using me for a companion on the weekend, someone to be intimate with, or whatever his motives might be.

I have never been in a long distance relationship and I'm not even sure that those type of relationships work out. So, needless to say I wonder if I am wasting my time. He claims to miss me and every time I fly to see him he pays for it, along with dinners, etc. HELP!!! Is he using me??? Is he interested??? Should I forget this long distance love?

Dear Love-scared,

You met someone you share a spark with, which is wonderful, but you know, that's only the beginning. He's sending you red flags now that can't be ignored. You say you can't tell if he's interested in you for all that you have to offer or if the relationship is just physical. By telling you that he has trust issues, he's able to keep you at a distance, which is confusing.

Because of the distance, you can't possibly get to know him well enough to know if he's seeing someone else or not.

I'd say the earrings you found are a fairly good clue that he isn't interested in anything platonic with you, after he had lied to you about wanting what you want, which is exclusivity. You could give him the benefit of the doubt -- the earrings could belong to a relative or a friend, or someone he lent his car to, or maybe a stranger broke into his car and left them there by accident. Since you can't actually bring up the subject without sounding accusatory, you suffer in silence.

You have to realize that the cuddly body language you mention has nothing to do with how a man might really feel about you. Men are biologically hardwired to distinguish between sex and love. He can easily enjoy a physical relationship with you without wanting more, and it would behoove him not to be honest with you if he knows that by telling you as much, you will want to end the relationship.

I see you doing two things wrong. 1. You make it very easy for him by always visiting him. So what if he pays? You're disrupting your life to be with him while he reaps the benefits of sticking to his familiar surroundings, which give him more control. A man who is truly interested in you will make time to come and see you -- to see how and where you live, to learn about your character based on how you live, by what surrounds you. 2. You have not (I assume) had a serious enough talk with him to let him know exactly what you are looking for in a relationship, and to give him the chance to either decide if he would like to further explore something with you and/or be honest and tell you what he's looking for or open to in a relationship.

Statistically, long distance relationships are more trouble than they're worth. The longing can be unbearable and distracting, and when you do manage to see each other, the short amount of time spent together is usually very dramatic and romantic -- simply because you have limited time before you have to hustle back to the airport on Sunday afternoon.

How can long distance relationships work out? Both parties must have the same relationship goals, and ultimately one person must be willing to relocate to be with the other -- there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel or it won't work. A serious relationship can't really begin until a couple has a chance to share normal day to day activities and experiences (shopping, laundry, social occasions, etc.) so they can observe if they are comfortable with each other and with what they have together.

I think you know in your gut what you have to do. And if it's what I'm thinking, my advice to you, in the future, is to choose someone locally to date. When you do click with someone closer than a plane ride away, and you will, your relationship will have a much greater chance of progressing into what you really want without wasting what could be precious months and years.

Back to advice archive