Why are break-ups so difficult?

Dear Brenda,

My girlfriend broke up with me last Friday. It sucked on a variety of levels for a variety of reasons:

A) She was my best friend prior to the relationship. She said she couldn't see me as being anything more than friends. Understandable, some things just don't work out.

B) I realized she wasn't all I thought she'd be, in terms of a relationship. She didn't have the qualities I sought, which was a mild downer because I figured if anyone would, my best friend would. No biggie.

C) This is what hurt, bad. We started dating about four weeks ago; about three weeks into it I could tell something was up, so I asked her what she was thinking. She left to go three hours down the road for school last Sunday so I figured perhaps she wanted to break it off before leaving for school. She simply told me, "We'll talk about it.", meaning later, which was alarming. All of the sudden she was running hot and cold, like really bubbly and friendly but cold every time I touched her affectionately. I asked again if something was wrong and she was like, "I don't want to talk about it now." Stupid me-- I really wanted things to work, despite the fact that I'm now unhappy, so I let it slide. All of the sudden last Friday, two days before she leaves for school, two days after my sister, with whom I'm very close has left to go a couple states over for school, she tells me she can't see me as being anything more than friends.

This really set me off and I let her know it. She said she felt horrible about it. I know she agonized about it. I don't think it was malicious on her part at all. When I spoke with her on Sunday she simply told me that she didn't know if it would work or not and that she wanted to see (implying that she wasn't really ready to break up when I asked the first time). I guess the all in all of it is that I'm pretty down right now. We had been flirting pretty heavily all summer and she had seemed so happy about it for so long (a friend of mine said she had been jonesing on me long before I got the hint) that I guess I got excited and didn't really stop and think things through. It's hard to believe things crashed and burned like they did but I guess that's how it goes.

If anything positive came out of this, it's that we're still friends, and that we're back on the same page. I don't think either of us is pining for the other and I certainly enjoy the stress of not having a relationship weighing down on us. I wish things had gone better but, hey what am I going to do? What I want to know is... why are break-ups so difficult?

Dear Sad Sam,

All bets are off at the beginning of any relationship. Still, people don't know if it will work out, so they give it a try. It's like a probation period. We aren't meant to work out with most people. It's not even real until about four - six months in, I'm thinking. Try not to take it too hard. It would be worse if she dated you for a year, kept everything inside, and then suddenly called it off. Some people do that, but most realize sooner than later that something isn't working for them. It could be that they have a low tolerance for some particular trait, or we remind them of a past relationship that didn't work out. It could be anything.

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