To Disclose or Not to Disclose - I have MS

Dear Brenda,

I have Multiple Sclerosis. Although I am not "disabled" I have good and bad days. I keep active with walking, swimming and a variety of other interests. When is the right time to disclose this information? I have put it in my profile and get no contacts, either from women I have sent messages to or anyone else. I have disclosed this right away in the first couple of messages and do not hear back after even though for body type these women have included disabled. Is it just the women I've contacted or am I going about it wrong? My fiance left me because of it.

She is 33 years old and still single and a virgin. I am 34 years old. She is Virgo and I am Cancer. Our careers are ruining our wonderful life. To sum up in all these years the telephone conversation we had till now come to around 2 hours. We have not physically touched each other as we do not want to violate the code of conduct. I've worked 20,000 miles away from her home country for the last 10 months. She genuinely told me that her office will be moved to a new locality and the telephone number will be changed. She said in case I want to see her, I am always welcome to visit her at her office. I have no clue how she is doing during these last 10 months. Can you advise me on how to keep our love life alive?
- BillJ

Dear BillJ,

MS means different things to different people-which may make it hard for them to visualize what dating you might look like. Many people do not know that there are several different types of MS, ranging from progressive to mild with the ability to live a full and productive life. I don't know what kind you have, but it sounds like you are living a pretty full life.

Disclosing something like this is clearly a personal decision. You have to do what you are most comfortable doing. I wouldn't, however, put it on your profile or in introduction letters unless you show obvious signs of a debilitating illness. Since it isn't a communicable disease, it is your personal business...like your salary. The reality is, yes, it may effect someone's willingness to date you long term. And yes it will have to come out sooner or later, but it isn't an obligatory disclosure on a profile. As far as dating goes, many times we go out with someone two or three times and it fizzles or turns into a friendship.

It isn't necessary to air out your laundry and go through the emotional drama each and every time you meet someone. I do, however, draw the line at the point of committing to a long-term exclusive relationship or before you plan to sleep with someone. For the most part women get very attached when we start making long-term plans with you and when we sleep with you. Once a woman has been able to see what YOUR MS looks like vs. her imagined version would be a great time to tell her. I would also suggest going to an MS support group for newly diagnosed patients (vs. ongoing support) to see how they are dealing with it. I think you will find that many people have not only found people to date, but are also getting married and having children. Though it might be harder for you to find someone, it isn't impossible. Best of luck

P.S. This is NOT an endorsement to lie about your age, weight, height, salary, marital status or number of children you have. I am sure we will have ample opportunity to deal with those types of disclosures in future letters.

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