"Love" out of Convenience?

Dear Brenda,

Ok, I'm going to try to make this as short and digestible as possible. I'm 24, my bf is 23. We've been dating for nearly 5 years (this August). He says our relationship is perfect and mentions all the things about me that he loves. I was also very happy with the relationship until he revealed to me that because we were each other's first long-term relationship, he's not ready for lifelong commitment because he thinks too many things can happen that will make him want to break-up (like one of us meeting someone else or changes in personality traits).

He also says that he cant imagine going to his grave having known only one woman (physically, mentally, spiritually). Its hard for me to grasp this, and it tells me that infidelity is inevitable and that he isn't satisfied with me. As a female, maybe I'm looking at things wrong, but when you cherish someone and your relationship is perfect, why would you have a constant urge to try other people and risk what you have. He talks about it with his best friend every other day he says. He says he just cant decide whether to live with me for life, or whether to break-up and try other females first.

Knowing that he's in this rut makes me feel very distant and cheap. I am hurt by this and am using deductive reasoning to come to all kinds of painful conclusions (many of which he denies). For instance, I notice that he starts to get doubtful when his confidence in his career grows, and when he sees success getting closer. I even asked him if the availability of more women when he becomes successful makes him anxious to try other opportunities is making him doubtful, and he said, "maybe, I don't know." I wonder why he doesn't become anxious about doing all the things we always dreamed of as a couple, or what his success could bring to my happiness too. Its like, when he does become successful, he doesn't see a place for me anymore. Is my unconditional love and affection just convenient for him until he can do better (perhaps a more attractive girl who values financial success more than me)?

I'm at the brink of breaking up because I don't want to be devoted to someone who is only partially devoted to me (or at least trying). The words "Till death do us part" mortifies him, and that makes me feel so disposable and inadequate. The relationship seems so pointless and shallow that I want to give up before he decides, because I don't even see why someone would have to think that hard when they claim to have found a perfect mate. Please help me out here. I'm blinded by my love for him, so please share with me what you think and/or what would you do in this situation?
- Regina

Dear Regina,

Try not to be so dramatic. He's only 23 years old. He's nowhere near ready to settle down. I admire his honesty, actually. He's being practical. Women are wired differently, and you have to understand that.

If you really wanted to do something about this, then you could (while you still have some leverage and power) 'suddenly and without warning' break up with him, and cut off all contact. Then let him wander the earth trying to find someone like you. He'll most likely realize what he lost and come back with stronger feelings. But it's a dangerous game to play, and you could lose.

Or you could agree with him, and tell him that you should both date other people, because his idea is "such a good one." Then walk out the door.

Or you could stay with him until he breaks up with you and breaks your heart to little tiny bits and pieces. He's already started to move in that direction, based on your conversations with him.

If you really love him like you say you do, you would want him to feel good about himself and feel confident that he's doing the right thing, and sometimes that involves new life experiences to give one a better perspective. This is why relationships in the early twenties don't last like relationships between people who are older, who have made mistakes, and who know more about themselves and what they're looking for, and who are able to appreciate what they have.

Back to advice archive