No longer in love - How do I break up with her?

Dear Brenda,

I've been dating a wonderful girl for about 2 years. The problem is that I don't want to be with her anymore. There aren't any problems, so there's nothing that could be changed. There's nothing wrong with her, I'm just not in love with her anymore, and want to get out. I've known this for several weeks now, and don't know how to go from here. She has no idea that I'm unhappy, and assumes that this will go on to marriage. I've decided to give it a few more weeks to make sure I don't trash a good thing, but its probably not going to get better for me. How do I break up with her? How do I all of a sudden out of nowhere tell her that I don't love her anymore? I really care about her, but I'm not happy with her. What can I do over the next few weeks to subtly let her know I'm not happy? I just don't think I could tell her how I feel (or no longer feel) about her without at least planting the seed in her head and letting her prepare for it. She's going to be absolutely devastated anyway, and I want to soften the blow.

This is not spurred on by a desire to be with someone else, although I will admit I do miss the chase. And no, we don't live together or own anything collectively. I am just not happy around her anymore, and honestly have no desire to marry her. I don't think its fair to stay with her and secretly have no plans to commit. I (we) are early 20's, so we both have plenty of time to move on. I just want advice on how to tell her while hurting her the least. I've heard the whole "be honest" approach before, and anything new you can tell me would help.
- Fingon4

Dear Fingon4,

You don't think she can pick up on the fact that you aren't happy? Or are you trying to hide how you really feel (ie: adjust your behavior) because you're afraid of how she'll react? If she thinks everything is blissful and she appears very happy, then you haven't really been yourself around her, which isn't fair.

Are you two arguing? Because if so, then that's a good reason to tell her that you don't think it's working out. But if you've been behaving like everything is peachy, then I'm afraid that could seriously mess her up, because when you do suddenly break up with her, she's not going to trust herself or her instincts for a long time to come.

Why don't you compile a list of glaring problems, keep it in your head for reference, then take her somewhere quiet and talk to her seriously about what you think isn't working. Things that she wouldn't be able to refute, such as "We don't have enough in common. We argue too much. Our cultures/religions/core values differ too much, etc." Try not to attack her personally, but let her see that you make sense and that you're thinking of the greater good for the both of you, and that you respect her enough to want the best for her, even if it isn't her. This is ultimately nicer on your part and more mature (which will be remembered with respect) than doing a slow torturous fade or acting like a jerk to get her to break up with you.

One question you could ask yourself is this: If the situation were reversed, how would you want her to handle it?

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