"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech

Dear Brenda,

We have been dating since November of last year. I was very hesitant at first, not thinking he was the one, but he pursued me very hard, showed up at places he knew I would be, invited me to all kinds of parties, I said no some I said yes some, then one night between parties, before christmas, i fell in love, I did not tell him that but it happened. Christmas eve I spent with my ex of 12 years, as he had no family here and I felt for him, this annoyed the current guy, which I didn't find out about for a couple of months. Anyway, the guy that broke up with me, the one I spent Christmas with, that night it was then that he said he was falling for me, yes he said it first, and I said it back.

So this is why I am so confused. He pursued me, he said he was in love with me first, and up until the day we broke up he continued to say he loved me. I also have first hand knowledge from other sources, that this is a pattern, and he may change is mind, but I am not holding my breath, I just really love him, he treated me great, it was that magical love you only read about, I think he may just be scared, but that doesn't make my pain any less.

I just don't know what to do, I can't just call him and say this is stupid lets stop this, becasue the ball is really in his court, but everyone I know just doesn't get it at all. I am really lost, hurt and confused. I do want him back, but I am not going to just wait forever, I just don't know where to turn, and the pain is increddibly intense. Yes I know if it hurts that much than just move on, but I believe in destiny I believe in true love, i belive people are meant for each other, and I believe it is him and me, so I just don't know what to do. The thing is he has said all of that to me as well.
- Cpajd

Dear Cpajd,

My take on this: You were dating and fell in love with a classic textbook commitment-phobe. I can guarantee that he's done with you, and I can also guarantee that you will never make this mistake again when you know what signs to look for, such as clues like these: he came on really strong really quickly, he strongly pursued you, he was probably very romantic, he was very affectionate until the very last minute when he suddenly curveballed you with a lame break up after a few intense months of dating. All classic signs. You should be confused. This kind of behavior is extremely confusing. And truly damaging. You hurt because you've been betrayed, and because someone treated you the way you would never ever consider treating them, ESPECIALLY when love is involved.

Remember, If he does change his mind, he'll just do this all over again. You're going to be okay. One day in the future you'll just feel sorry for him. You'll realize it was the romance you missed, not the man.

The knowledge you need to help you understand how this guy operates, why he has such a destructive pattern, and to help get over the hurt faster, can best be explained in these two books:

Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

Getting to Commitment

Ciao bella from your American/Italian dating advisor,

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