What's the Purpose of Dating?

Dear Brenda,

Here's the deal: For about 2 years my dating philosophy is that I would only date a guy that I would marry. Sure, I would go on a couple of dates with someone that I didn't think I would marry but nothing exclusive or serious.

So now I have been dating this new boy for about 2 months and I just don't think I will marry him. I really like him but for some reason I just have a feeling that we won't end up together. (I'm 21).

I talked to him last night about this and he said he sorta agreed, not because of me but because he doesn't ever want to get married (he's been engaged before and that turned him off the idea of marriage).

So the way I see it is that I have three choices: break up with him and only date someone that I think I might marry, convince myself that I might marry him someday, or change my dating philosophy/mindset so that dating is just a companionship/friend thing and not something that leads to marriage.

So the reason I am asking this is because I wonder what everyone else's dating philosophy is. What is the purpose of dating? If you have any insights to add to my situation, that would be great also.
- EmmaC

Dear EmmaC,

First figure out what it is you want.

If a guy I was dating told me right off that options for the future weren't available because he refused to be openminded, then I'd stop seeing him. It's a bit soon to think about stuff like this before you even know if you'll fall in love with each other, though, isn't it? Just know one thing, you can't or won't change him if you try. He'd have to change his mind on his own, and so the thing is, if you keep dating him hoping that he will when he's already told you that he won't, you're probably going to get hurt.

Didn't something similar to this just happen on the TV show Friends between Phoebe and that cute guy she was going to live with? She didn't want to get married right that minute, she just wanted the option, which is a perfectly normal and fair thing to want.

You're 21 years old. Thinking about marriage at this point in your life sounds like overkill. Maybe you could adapt a different philosophy: Just date different people until one person comes along and blows everyone away, have no agendas. Agendas can get us in serious trouble. When you meet the right person, I think you will JUST KNOW. Then take that "I just know" feeling and date them long enough to get to know them (a few years at least), if you still feel the same way about each other, then think about marriage.

You don't want people to start calling you J.Lo jr.

Back to advice archive