Happily Married But Curious

Dear Brian,
I’m a happily married straight man, but I’ve had sexual fantasies about a man that I used to work with. I know that he is gay because he talked about his boyfriend. I had this strong urge to kiss him and wondered what his lips would feel like on mine. I also wondered what it would feel like to have him give me oral sex and what it would feel like to return the favor. I still have these feelings sometimes, not about him but just in general. What can I do to act on these feelings without hurting my wife? - Danno

Dear Danno,
If you want to avoid hurting your wife, I suggest you forget all about acting on your bi-sexual fantasies. If she found out you were exploring your sexual interests with another man, it would likely spell death for your marriage. If you happen to bring home an STD or two, it could spell death in the literal sense. Keep in mind that if you arranged a real life encounter, your desires might not follow you along on the journey. All sorts of sexual situations, some of them downright bizarre, can be fun when they exist in the theater of our imagination. We can control them the way a director guides a movie or play. They're generally harmless. Reality is not so easily controlled, and the aftermath of our actions can be devastating, not only to us but our loved ones.  Remember, curiosity killed the cat, and your curiosity could leave you wracked with guilt and self-loathing. The results cou ld be even more damaging if you give your wife an STD you picked up from a strange man, or find that you prefer sex with men to sex with your wife. Let these fantasies remain fantasies. Shut the door and masturbate. There's more to a relationship than sex, and someone who has a solid marriage should count his blessings rather than possibly throw it all away by seeking illicit sex on the side. But if your fantasies get the best of you, your only option is to be honest with your wife. Tell her you have questions about your sexuality and deal with them as a couple. A sound marriage requires sharing and trust. It also requires that each partner have the strength to resist temptation. A happily married "straight" man who can't resist temptation has to be honest and share his feelings with his wife. Otherwise, he may not be happily married for long. 

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