You're in the Army Now

Dear Brian,
I am in the military and work as a driver for a senior NCO. I am not sure if he knows that I am bi, but he is always asking me questions about having oral sex: would I sleep with a man, what do men see in having sex with other men, etc. Here in Iraq, the men will tell you that men are for fun and women are for having children. I have often wondered if he is bi and if he is trying to figure out what is going on with his feelings. What should I do about all his questions and would it be wrong just to come straight out and ask him why he keeps asking? He is my best friend and there is no way I want to lose the friendship.
- Help In Iraq

Dear Help In Iraq,
He may not know that you're bi-sexual, but you have good reason to suspect that he is. Of course, he could be gay. These kind of inquiries are typical of men who are curious, but still too inhibited to be upfront about their homosexual interests. Of course, he has good reason, as you do yourself, to be inhibited in the military. "Don't ask, don't tell" is still being enforced, and both of you could be kicked out if there's even a suspicion of homo or bi-sexuality. But a guy like this wouldn't be likely to state his sexual interests even in civilian life. He's curious enough to turn the knob on the closet door, but still reluctant to open it. I must warn you, however: though you describe him as your best friend, it's not in your best interest to discuss gay sex with him. He's your superior, and friend or not, he may be feeling you out, trying to determine where you stand on the Kinsey scale of sexuality. Would he report you if he knew? He might. After all, he may be more loyal to the military, including its rules, than he is to a friend. If I were you, I wouldn't pursue the matter, but if you do ask him why he's so curious about same-sex relations, I wouldn't tell him of your bi-sexuality even if he admits to such interests himself. Even if he hits on you, you should decline. Think of this situation as you would a minefield. Be careful where you walk.

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