I Feel We're From Different Planets!

Dear Brian,
I have been living with my boyfriend for a year now. I love him a lot and we have a great relationship. The sex is terrific and we communicate our needs very well. But those needs are a bit of a problem. I love to go out and party but he is content to stay home, read, and watch TV. He doesn't even like having friends over because he claims he feels pressured to entertain. The fact is he is pretty shy and quiet with everyone but me, but when I do get him to go out, he does loosen up after awhile. But he never agrees to do things on the spur of the moment which happens to be the way I like to do them. I have enough schedules in my life and don't need another one to determine when and how to have fun. For instance, when we went to the Pride parade this summer, I wanted to march but he said he wasn't expecting to have to do that, and ended up sitting on the curb watching the parade. I know that opposites attract, but sometimes I feel we're from different planets. Like I say, I love him and think he's the man I want to spend my life with, but I don't want to end up living like a hermit.
- Confused in Portland

Dear Confused in Portland,
We are often attracted to, and fall in love with, people who possess qualities we lack. The timid are drawn to the bold, the carefree party animal falls for the somber bookworm, and the closet queen develops the hots for the gay activist. When these relationships work, they can be very special indeed, giving both parties an opportunity to expand their horizons in ways they could never do on their own. When they don't work, they can be suffocating ordeals that prevent both of you from reaching your full potential as individuals and as a couple. Your boyfriend is obviously an introvert, a homebody whose life revolves around quiet pleasures. But as you say, he does go out and can have a good time but "never on the spur of the moment."

Introverts are rarely impulsive so if you want him to party, you'll simply have to accept the fact that it can only be done when he's been given advance warning. He probably needs to psych himself up before doing what may not come as naturally to him as it would to an extrovert like yourself. Compromise is clearly the key to this situation, and he seems to be able to do it. While you enjoy a more active social life, can you also appreciate the more quiet pleasures of which he is so fond? If so, there's no reason why this relationship can't succeed. In the long run, you may even see his lack of interest in partying as a plus. After all, if he likes to stay home, he's less likely to stray.

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