Can I be Gay And Homophobic?

Dear Brian,
Recently, while dining in a restaurant, I saw two gay men very openly holding hands and kissing at a nearby table. They were really putting on a show and I was shocked! I was also a little offended. The funny thing is that I'm a gay man myself. Does my reaction to the gay couple's open display of affection mean that I, a gay man, am homophobic?
- Name withheld by request

Dear Name withheld,
Your reaction could mean you are homophobic. Homophobia is so widespread in society that, yes, it is possible for a gay man to be susceptible to such feelings himself, especially if he has spent a good deal of time in the closet. If you've ever pretended to be straight, chances are you have also pretended to disapprove of homosexuality, perhaps even more so than the average homophobic heterosexual due to your need to avert suspicion. If you pretend long enough, those feelings become so ingrained that they're difficult to shake. On the other hand, your reaction may mean something completely different. May I suggest that you were jealous of the gay couple? Whether you were aware of it or not, you may have been attracted to one or both of the men and secretly wanted to exchange places with one of them, or even would have liked to join both of them and make it a threesome.

Depending on the intensity of the public display, it's even possible that the couple was hoping to make you jealous and you were simply offended by their attempt to diminish your self-esteem. The good doctor believes that some couples, gay and straight alike, flaunt their affections as a way of bragging that they have a love so passionate that it should be the envy of the world. If you believe they do, it could be you need to improve your self-esteem (or go out and find a passionate relationship of your own which may have the desired effect).

But keep in mind that the couple may need an improved self-image. Bragging and flaunting one's success, be it financial or romantic, is not a sign of confidence but insecurity. There's nothing wrong with public displays of affection, but sometimes there is something wrong with the motivation behind it. When the motivation has to do with one's ego, that is offensive.

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