Below the Neck

Dear Brian,
I've been in the closet for as long as I can remember. I've always hidden my true feelings towards men and women. Lately I've started to pursue relationships with other men and currently am very close to falling for this guy. I even came out to my mom!!! (Mom and I are best friends.) Well, me and the guy were fooling around and it felt like I was just there. You know, the sitcom scene where two people are making out and one of them is thinking of what they'll make for dinner tomorrow night...that was me. He's a great kisser but for me we just didn't connect below the neck.

This isn't the first time this has happened for me; that is, being disappointed below the neck. I have very strong and passionate fantasies about men and what could happen but I'm starting to question why I fantasize about men instead of women. I thought that my thoughts were a clear indication of homosexuality; but after my limited experiences I'm not too sure. I don't want to go overboard on a sexual voyage in pursuit of 'Daddylongstroke' but I do want to know what it feels like for someone else to make me cum.
 
Also, part of the problem is that I can't totally come out because of the job I've chosen (yes this job has 'legal discrimination'), which makes it hard to comfortably explore my sexual desires.

P.S. I've only gone as far as kissing a woman, and have only gone as far as giving/receiving a BJ with a man (dildos don't count, do they???).
- peter2paul

Dear peter2paul,
Having been in the closet “for as long as (you) can remember,” which I’m guessing is a long time (though you didn’t disclose your age), your fantasies about sex with men may now be so elaborate that the reality is guaranteed to disappoint. Your fantasies about men do suggest you are homosexual, and that’s the conclusion I would reach if you never fantasize about women.

Nonetheless, you have kissed a woman. Did you find it exciting? Did it encourage you to consider what it would be like to make love to a woman? If so, you may be bi-sexual or simply unsure of where you fall on the gay/straight scale, and are in need of more exploration. But how was the BJ with a man? Did you enjoy giving and/or receiving head? Would you like to give and/or receive it again? As long as you enjoyed it on some level, that and the fact that you have designated the man you’re seeing a “great kisser,” does suggest you’re gay. Maybe you simply haven’t found the right man and need to keep looking. Passion is a tricky thing. Sometimes you have it. Too often we don’t and pursue it endlessly.

P.S. As for whether or not dildos count, well, it depends on whose doing the arithmetic.

Back to advice archive