Am I the Typical Slut?

Dear Brian,
I’m 19 years old, and have only been out of the closet for a little over a year now. I live in the typical college town, and love to go to our local gay bar. I know that I am promiscuous, and I find that I end up in the sack with more men then I think I should be. I know this is wrong, but my friends tell me that I’m young and “sleeping around” is ok if I am safe about it. I hate the fact that I can meet a guy and go to bed with him the same night I met him, and then feel awful about it the next morning. Sometimes I feel there is something wrong with me. I am not the typical guy who is looking for a relationship, but the idea is nice. I would like to be in a relationship, but I'm not in search of one. If I find one, then I find one. The problem is when I do find guys that I like, and would like to potentially have a relationship with them, I always turn away. I really like them at first and I refuse to have sex with them, because I want to wait it out until we start dating,. In the end however I end up having sex with them, and find myself not liking them anymore or I start to ignore them and the feelings disappear. How come that happens, and what can I do about it? Am I just the typical “slut?” What should I do?
- Cody

Dear Cody,
No offense, but in some ways you do sound like a typical slut. On the other hand, the typical slut is usually someone desperate for love but afraid of the emotional commitments that come with it. So you stick to the physical aspects of love which makes you feel guilty and cheap. This is usually a problem relating to one’s self-esteem. You probably don't like yourself as much as you should, may even feel you are somehow unworthy of true love, and let your sex drive propel you into situations that make you like yourself less.

When the man you would like a relationship with shows interest, you ignore him because, deep down, you probably think he must be less than desirable if he’s interested in you. You feel inferior and, therefore, you treat him as though he lacks worth. If you have sex with him, you’re bound to think he’s no different than any of the other one night stands you've had and it’s not surprising you don't see him as relationship material. Since you've only been out of the closet for a short time, you may also feel hell-bent on experiencing as much of your sexuality as you can.

There’s nothing wrong with that (providing, as your friends have said, you practice safe sex), but eventually sex for the sake of sex will probably begin to feel a little hollow, and you'll feel empty after your orgasms are complete. My advice is to spend less time at the local gay bar, and more time pursuing other activities where you can meet men who are interested in something other than sex. A relationship that begins somewhere other than the bedroom will likely be more satisfying, and when you do hit the sheets, the sex will be more meaningful.

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