Privacy Problem

Dear Brian,
Recently my ex-boyfriend, (we'll just call him Mike), received information about my activities on a few of the top dating sites, including details about some emails I sent to other members and the identity of my profile. He claims that he has friends that work for both companies, and this was how he got the information. Of course, if this is true, my contract with both companies has been blatantly violated by their own privacy policy and standards. Also, if true, it speaks poorly of the gay community and goes to validate all the negative stereotypes that mainstream America has, not to mention my feelings of self worth as a gay man and an unsuspecting Internet consumer. What should I do? What would you do?
- Joeyr

Dear Joeyr,
No offense, but in some ways you do sound like a typical slut. On the other hand, the typical slut is I would cease to do business with any company that behaved in such an unethical manner, but I suspect your ex-boyfriend is lying about how and where he got the details about your emails and profiles. I doubt that any successful dating site is guilty of violating your privacy. Not only is it illegal to disclose such information, but the larger online sites are as popular as they are with their clients because they have taken the time and money to invest in the proper technology and have strict rules to protect their members. The problem is likely your ex-boyfriend who appears to have stalker tendencies and has gone to great lengths to track your online activities.

Chances are he spends considerable time at both sites, and has come across your profile, perhaps on another user’s favorites list. If your search for potential dates has been confined to your local city or state, that wouldn't be too difficult, although it would be time consuming. But those with the stalker gene are often obsessed enough to invest hours and hours tracking their target’s online activities. Then again, he may have somehow managed to figure out your password. It can be relatively easy to do, which is why it’s recommended you change your password frequently, both at online dating sites and for your email accounts. Does anyone besides you have access to the computer you use to log into these sites? Perhaps you have your password/login info. on an email in your hard drive. It's something to consider.

In the meantime, send an email to each site’s customer service representative just in case they can recommend options you can take, and tell your ex that stalking - and that is what he’s doing - is a crime. Such behavior has nothing to do with a person’s sexual orientation, only their obsessiveness and insecurity.

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