Move In Or Move On?

Dear Brian,
I was in a relationship for 20 years and my partner died in a horrible accident. That was almost four years ago and it was very hard on me, but life does go on and I started dating again this year. I finally met a guy that I fell for in a big way. After over 2 months of dating, I want him to move in. He says he is not ready for that. His place is a real dump and he admits that he just wants to move "slow." How long do you think that I should wait on him to be "ready"? He is here everyday, but insists on sleeping alone at his place every other night. What do you think? Also, I met him online and he still spends hours online but says he is just looking for "friends." Am I wrong to resent this?
- Micha

Dear Micha,
His reluctance to move in with you after two months of dating isn’t anything to get upset about. We all move at our own pace. Moving in together after two months may not seem premature to you, but someone else might see it as jumping the gun. There’s no right or wrong in matters such as this. It’s simply a disagreement, and as disagreements go, a relatively minor one. Personally, I think moving in together after four to six months would be more to my liking. After all, moving is hard work, and if it turns out that I just wasn’t meant to live with a particular person, I’d have to move all over again. Plus, the decision to leave might threaten what had been a fine relationship before a change of address came into play. However, his activities online, assuming he’s spending time at dating sites and chat rooms, is troubling. Just what kind of "friends" is he seeking? Maybe, just maybe, he’s keeping his options way open, perhaps even considering finding another lover. You are not wrong to resent this. You’re right to be concerned, but it also tells me that you’re now the one who should move slowly. If it turns out he’s looking for action on the side, or has already found some (which might explain his interest in sleeping "alone" at his place every other night), wouldn’t you prefer to find out before he’s settled in to your place rather than after the move has been made? I’m not saying he’s unfaithful or planning to be, but his activities are questionable enough to raise a red flag or two. Give it more time, but keep a close eye on him, and don’t ask him to move in until you’re sure he’s ready to settle down. Right now, it seems pretty clear that he isn’t. If it turns out that he’s never going to be ready, forget about his moving in and move on.

Back to advice archive