Senior Widower Seeks Man

Dear Brian,
I am a senior widower and consider myself bi. I have not been able to start a relationship with a man, despite my trying. I might make contact over the Internet and then do not follow up by making a date or the other person does not. Sometimes this is because I do not have any interest in the other guy, but more often I am simply afraid to meet personally, face to face. Not physically afraid, but internally afraid as if I was back in high school and afraid to call a girl for a date. More often, the man does not even attract me enough to meet him. I am not looking for a married man or a guy that wants only sex, by the act, hour or night, or someone not attractive to me. I don't know what to do now.

Off and on, I have used the ads for years, but they simply are not working for me in finding a compatible man (or woman). From reading, advertising, and responding to ads I feel that I have some pluses and minuses. Pluses: not married or otherwise attached, free to look for a long term friend or lover of either sex, I will go out with bi or gay men, I am still nice looking (I feel), I am healthy with no d/d and HIV-, and I'm sane, smart and polite. Minuses: I am reaching 70, have erectile dysfunction although it can be overcome pretty well, decidedly bi so I do look for women, am casual crossdresser at home, I am not out, have been depressed and without sex for two years and taking meds and some therapy.

While I have not given up, I know that following the same old routine is not going to work. I have been told by singles, married couples, gays and straights, therapists, books, and onliners to go out and meet people by volunteering or joining organizations, but that is excruciatingly hard for me and when I was working with many people nothing happened then, either. Am I just a lost cause and should I simply give up and accept that I will be single and without love or sex from a partner in the future and do whatever else makes things livable? Please answer. I really at my wits end and fed up and want to get on with my life.
- Frank

Dear Frank,
If you’re serious about finding a man, you need to break this habit of not following up with the men who express an interest in meeting you. Yes, it can be hard meeting someone face-to-face, but you simply have to overcome your shyness in this respect and agree to meet some men. The anxiety we have when meeting potential romantic partners doesn’t magically disappear once we have a high-school diploma in hand. Sometimes the anxiety increases because we may have greater expectations than we did when we were in our teens. If these men do not immediately appear attractive to you, remember that you can’t always judge a person by their photo. After all, if people really looked the way they do on their driver’s license snapshot, no one would ever consider getting together with anyone. The photos in personals are sometimes just as deceptive. Even if it’s an accurate likeness, a still photo can’t compare with an animated face that can laugh and smile - in short, a face that’s alive and attached to a person who isn’t posing for the cold eye of a camera, but interacting with someone he wants to know better. Volunteering or joining organizations is not a bad idea for those seeking partners, but it’s probably not the best option for a senior since most seniors are already involved in relationships or no longer place such a priority on love, other than the parental kinds. It’s good to know that you still have the interest. Remember, you’re as young as you feel. But some qualities of youth - timidity at the thought of meeting new people - won’t get you anywhere. You have to follow through and give at least one of these men a chance.

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