I Feel Rejected when He Turns to Porn

Dear Brian,
I'm 46 and in my first gay relationship. We've been living together going on four years. I feel he is my soulmate and he tells me the same. He tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I feel the same. Here's my problem. During the first six months we were like honeymooners. Since then, the sexual contact has slacked off. I am a very touchy-feely guy and desire the same. My sexual drive is very high and he told me his is not, and that he is very modest. He views sexual content on the internet daily and has engaged in cyber sex. The reason I know this is one day on my return home from work I caught him at his computer, masturbating with someone on cam. He was furious when I confronted him. I also know he masturbates on a regular basis. I have asked him repeatedly that when he has sexual desires, I want him to share them with me instead of masturbating. He simply will not do this. I try very hard to have a nice evening at home together, but it usually ends up with him at the PC and me on the couch. When we do have contact it's like the 4th of July. I truly love this guy and want a future with him. I feel rejected when he turns to porn and masturbation for relief. Am I being too petty? Are my expectations too high? This is the only time we argue and it's getting more frequent. Leaving would be devastating, yet staying is making me miserable. Last night I told him either the porn or his masturbation will ruin our relationship. He assured me that's not what he wants. Please advise.
- CB

Dear CB
A certain amount of masturbation should be expected and tolerated in a relationship. Sometimes sexual feelings arise at inconvenient times, and the objective is relief, not romance. But if your partner regularly prefers masturbation to making love, and the internet to spending time with you, my guess is that he's extremely shy and reserved, and takes a long time to work up the passion he needs to become intimate with another man, even when the man is his soul mate. Cyber sex and masturbation have a strong appeal to shy people who like getting off without exposing themselves emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes even physically to another person. There's also no pressure, no worries about being unable to satisfy a partner. That may be a disadvantage when it comes to quantity, but it could be paying dividends when it comes to the quality of your lovemaking. If the sex is explosive enough to warrant comparison with the 4th of July, it's possible the infrequency of your lovemaking sessions has something to do with it. He obviously has the desire, but needs more time than you do to get in the mood, but when he's ready, look out! You don't say how often the two of you make love, so I can't say whether or not you're being petty and perhaps expecting too much, or if he is being selfish. But if your partner can't give up the porn or at least minimize its role in his sexual life, you may have to compromise a bit. Rather than getting upset when you discover him masturbating, join him instead. In this case, masturbation might work as a form of foreplay. Masturbation might prove so exciting for both of you that full-fledged lovemaking will follow, and before long, he may not need the porn. Give it a try, and be sure to make some sort of foreplay a standard part of your sex life. Shy, reserved people generally require it since spontaneity is rarely their strong suit. It sounds like the two of you have a really fine relationship otherwise. Don't let quibbles about sex ruin a good thing, especially if the sex is terrific when it does occur.

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